Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
No sex in a year :-/ Fiance doesn't care.(36 Posts)
When I say "in a year" it is only slightly an exaggeration - I could count the times we had sex last year on one hand, with a finger or two to spare Admittedly I was pregnant and now with a new child but still... This is just one of the now many symptoms of what I see as him not caring anymore.
Part of me doesn't understand why he wants to be in this relationship - apart from the obligation DS brings of course. He has zero interest in sex. Admittedly when we started going out I rejected some of his sexual advances - I was not long out of an abusive relationship and not used to his loving approach of long foreplay and kissing. I would try and tell him gently I wanted a more dynamic, spontaneous intercourse. I feel that now he is either too hurt by that still to even try and approach me, is punishing me by withdrawing completely or else I don't know! He definitely doesn't have an affair as is home with me every weekday from 5:30 pm when he arrives home from works and whole weekends.
He also snores and I asked him to please do something about it as I can't now sleep next to him (previously I would put earplugs in but can't do it with a LO) - his reaction is the same as to everything else I ask him now. He calmly says okay but then does nothing to sort out the problem. So now we not only don't have sex but don't even sleep together/cuddle. I and LO go downstairs so I can get at least some sleep!
Obviously almost all little signs of affection have now pretty much stopped, simple things like making me a cup of tea when he was going to make one for himself or breakfast - nothing. Even though I now always make a point to ask him. He never really says "I love you" anymore (though I have to say he was never the type of guy to say it loads but I used to be able to feel it through his actions), flowers, nights out that is all gone. Some of these things might seem silly in isolation but put all together I feel like we are becoming even less than friends :-/
One of my friends suggested in might be depression - so I spoke to him about it once or twice. Of course he said would look into it and done absolutely nothing.
I just don't know what to do. We got engaged quite quickly and I thought I struck a lottery with a man that used to be so loving and caring and wonderful, our LO was completely planned and half a year after our engagement. Now I start to think I made a terrible mistake but there is no turning back. I feel I've been cheated and can't imagine the rest of my life in a loveless marriage - we only know each other for 2 years AND I am only 28!
Anyone who has been in the same situation that could offer some advice? Please don't say "talk to him" because he will listen but then don't do anything about it
Do you think you could get him to the GP if you went together?
When are you due to marry?
You're 28. You have a lot of years of unhappiness ahead if this continues. If you don't think talking will help what do you want to do?
I don't really know... I guess I'm hoping for advice as to some actions I could take to jolt him into action that wouldn't involve just politely asking him Part of me thinks if I start to lead a more active social life outside of the relationship and make myself look like a perfect 10 maybe he will then realise he should try a bit again? But then I kick myself for even having these "I'm not good enough" thoughts again and annoyed he makes me feel that way.
Possibly but I feel like this would involve me literally standing over his head to ensure he calls the doc and then dragging him there. I'm scared he'd resent me for this down the line or feel like I'm trying to control his life or whatnot. But it is certainly something for me to consider seriously at this stage.
If you don't want to talk maybe ask him to leave that might jolt him into action. Unfortunately communication is key in any relationship without it I don't see you recovering the intimacy.
Well he needs to make some effort to change, or to talk to you so that you have some idea of what the problem is and can work on it together. You can't live like this. You'd be better off on your own.
Things moved very fast. Could it be that he felt really rejected and insecure as you appeared not to enjoy his love-making as much as you did with previous partners? Have you explained to him that your behaviour was conditioned by that? Do you still find him attractive though ? I cannot quite work that out as you say you want more sex but describe him as a let down.
Does he know you actually feel neglected and unloved?
So either he has fallen out of love or he is hurt and insecure and not sure how to go about things.
Snoring is really truly annoying I admit I always disliked that and found off putting (don't think any of my DPs did come to think of it - DF did though) but even I wonder if you are a bit too hard on him?
As I said I am not clear what you actually want at this stage, more sex or out. I just tried to offer an alternative reading
He's not that into you.
He may have been swept away by this idealised thought of a family initially. But that doesn't mean you're right for each other. You're plainly not.
Stop wasting your time.
Thank you. He is definitely someone prone to deep thoughts and deep despair when things don't go his way, with unrealistic expectations sometimes. Part of the reason why I don't want to rock the boat too much - any argument seems to overwhelm him, and causes him to clam up even more. I feel he literally believes there should be zero conflict in a relationship. I feel controlled to some extend by these moods as I hate any silent treatment or awkward air between us.
Maybe I sound a bit harsh when talking about snoring but since I do everything around DS at night I at least want to be able to lie down and cuddle a non-snoring partner and fall asleep once I'm done with feeding, nappy changing and rocking DS back to sleep... I feel like he could at least do that for me since I spare him getting up and care about him having to work next day.
I guess at this stage I want sex as a confirmation that he is still attracted to me and we can make it work. It's not like we have been together 20 years and this is just a dry spell... I feel if he can't get that physical connection back then what can we possibly get back?
I came here to say the same as Elspeth. It's through my bitter experience.
He's just not that into you. That is the most painful and difficult part as you can't make someone WANT you. You may seduce them once or twice but if the true spark and desire is not there, it's just not there.
However, at the same time, he will never admit it. You have to have balls and / or be a really cruel person to look someone in the eye and say 'sorry, honey, I do not fancy you anymore'.
You do not need to ask him if he fancies you - he will lie as he would not want to crash you. But that way you'll only wilt away.
You're still young, you will meet someone who will want to shag you until you faint ;-)
Maybe you are not sexually compatible - and again it's no one's fault, sometimes that happens.
I wish I had known all of that when I was your age, stuck in the same place you are in now. It does get better, there is hope ;-)
Nobody needs therapy and counselling to make their partner a cup of tea when they're making themselves one. He just can't be bothered.
That just doesn't make much sense to me, I'm 10 years younger than him, much fitter and take care of myself (albeit obviously a bit less so now but still don't see myself as a total slob.) He was really into me when we got together and very loving for the first year. Then I don't know what happened I'm reluctant to leave because want DS to have a full family.
That's what I've been feeling and thinking lately - he can't be bothered with the whole bloody relationship but then why stay in it?! Everything seems too flipping hard for him - going to doctors, taking care of DS. He has also started to be patronising and critical re: my parenting and I'm so pissed off because he doesn't do any. He comes home from work and 1) makes himself a cup of tea 2) makes himself dinner 3) goes to loo for half an hour 4) chats to his family on the phone then (bravooo!!) takes DS into his arms for a bit when he is quiet and smiley but as soon as he starts crying he'd pass him over to me saying "oh he's probably hungry." Well he is not! He just wants some cuddles and rocking!
Then he has the cheek to make these snide comments such as "oh he's not making poo, it's probably the gaviscone" (that I asked the doc to give us when he was throwing up a bit) or "he has a rash it's probably the chocolate you are eating" recently he even had an issue with my expressing milk ("that is surely causing constipation.")
Sorry for a rant - a very unhappy new mummy here that could use some TLC ☹
@Stardust there's lots of reasons why he could have lost his interest and I am sure none of them are your fault.
There's nothing wrong with staying with him as long as you realize that your sex life will be a problem. I don't know anyone who managed to 'fix' it permanently.
It's nothing to do with your looks. I think it's a biological / chemical thing. Sex is an instinct so we do not have that much control over it, imho.
@Stardust - poor you! You definitely do not deserve to be treated like that!
Do you think he is doing that to make him dump you so that he can walk away guilt - free?
Would be stupid but otherwise I cannot explain his behavior. He's obviously being a dick!
Thank you for saying it's not my fault, at the moment I feel like I've done something to bring this onto us I don't mean to be nosy but you said you know this from experience and there is never a permanent fix. Did you manage to leave the person eventually? Did it take a long time to make peace with the thought you'll have to go for your own happiness and sanity? I didn't think I had PSD initially but with him being the way he is I am having progressively darker thoughts about the future.
I don't think he wants me to dump him since he is currently living in a house that I own (inheritance), and earn more than him (full time salary, obviously not on maternity.) He makes a point to call me everyday from work (though doesn't have much to say so I don't really know why he bothers) and yesterday he got an exciting job offer in Manchester that he wanted to run by me first before agreeing to take it. He asks how I am and goes to fetch things from the shop for DS when asked so it's not like he is a complete non with utter disregard for us as a family. The other day he even said to DS that "when your little sister arrives she'll be ..." so I guess he does think this relationship is going to continue. He says to me constantly how he cares about his work to make more money for our family etc.
It just feels that in this equation he values the concept of a family more than us as actual people - I'm even sometimes jealous of the love he gives to DS in those short moments he holds him in his arms because there is no love for me whatsoever.
Isn't it normally how men feel when a child arrives, neglected sexually and romantically? It's so humiliating to feel this as a woman.
Just wanted to add that even DS doesn't really get that much love - yesterday I gone to take a bath so fiancé would be forced to stay with DS for a bit longer and unable to give him to me when crying. Just so happened DS got colic and was crying his little head off poor mite. My instinct was to run and comfort him but I stopped myself to see how his daddy would cope (since clearly according to him taking care of a child is such an easy job, he has so many parenting tips for me and always gets annoyed that I don't manage to "do it all" i.e. if the house is occasionally not tidy when he gets back from work)
OBVIOUSLY he tried to feed him with the expressed milk (because according to daddy of the year all crying is always down to hunger) - he didn't want any and carried on crying. After maybe 1.5 hours of this I came out of the bath to find him swearing at the baby!
re your comment:-
"I'm reluctant to leave because want DS to have a full family"
Your DS would be far better off seeing a more emotionally healthy family unit than the one he is a part of now. What does this man you are with really bring to the table?. He stays in it because he basically has someone here to cook, clean and look after him. He is living in your house and sponging off you. You are carrying on where his mother left off.
You met him not that long after leaving an abusive relationship yourself so your own boundaries were and probably to some extent are still blurred and mixed up. I would strongly suggest you now enrol on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as this is for people who have been in previously abusive relationships.
It just feels that in this equation he values the concept of a family more than us as actual people
I think you may have just hit the nail on the head.
He sounds incredibly passive and that would drive me insane. Has he even ever looked after DS on his own for more than an hour or two?
Re the snoring, I had this with an ex and I did indeed make the appointment for him and then go with him to the appointment, and to the follow up appointments at the hospital. As I said to him "Because I am being directly affected by this problem, and I have been asking you to address this for over a year and you've done nothing."
@stardust unfortunately I did a very un-honorable thing and had an affair with someone in a similar situation to mine. We both left our partners and while that relationship did not continue due to other reasons (we ended up in different countries) it gave me a feel for what I want.
I remember how low I felt, how unwanted and unloveable. And what a relief it was to realize that it wasn't me - I didn't change at all, I was all the same, just found someone who was into me.
So I really feel for you.
I didn't have kids though so it's a different kettle of fish.
Unless you think you can make it appear to work when it isn't actually really working then don't hang in there for your son.
Leave before he has time to know any different.
You sayy you were in an abusive relationship and that is something that takes work to get over. It's good that your current partner was kind to you to begin with and it's good that you're questioning it now but may be you feel liike you haven't quite got the right to end it with a man who is not actually cruel or unkind. This would be a normal 'legacy' of an abusive relationship I think.
That feeling of wanting out just because you want out is a difficult one.
How to you approach having sex. Do you both go to bed late at night tired and hope something happens or do you speak to him of the evening and ask if he's in the mood? Do you randomly go up to him and try it on? Are you flirtatious? Do you talk about fantasies or have flirty texts during the day? Do you try and seduce him at all? Do you have a sex style, so to speak? What's your approach?
I'm not insinuating that you are doing anything wrong, just asking to see if a different approach might help.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.