Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Has anybody ever gone back from NC and really regretted it?

(8 Posts)
Soddingepiphany Fri 10-Feb-17 08:41:57

I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone has made the same mistake as me. I have been NC with my sister for over a year now but on Monday after a little pressure from my Mum and me being an idiot, I accepted her friend request on Facebook. I saw a post on her wall that just made me feel like I'd been gut punched (That's a whole other very long thread.) I immediately removed her from Facebook and tried to just move past it but the next day I went out and was so anxious about it (I used to be agoraphobic) I cried in the car and eventually had a panic attack while out. I haven't felt like that for a long time and thought it was behind me.
I feel so stupid for letting this happen, it's completely shaken my belief that I was over the anxiety and if I'm perfectly honest I am really scared of going back to how I was. Has anybody experienced anything similar?

Ilovecaindingle Fri 10-Feb-17 08:48:41

I was nc with my dm for ten years. I went on to have 3 more kids that she had never met. After gm questions form dc I decided to let her meet them. . Regretted it within a fortnight. . Stuck it out for about 18 months then stopped contact again. . Won't be making that mistake again. If you are this stressed already maybe you need to take a step back again.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 10-Feb-17 12:09:35

I think in your year off from her, you were in a safe place psychologically. That you experienced an absence of insult was not the same thing as being able to psychologically heal -fully recover from those damaging circumstances.

I think "healing" would be to find yourself being able to completely emotionally detach from your sister to the point that any interaction could be met with a "so what" feeling/response. This is genuinely stopping to care what she thinks about anything 100% across the board.

The saying "time heals all wounds" may be true, but imho, psychological wounds take years - perhaps more like decades - to effectively heal. And, also understand, imho, that healing can not take place while you are continuing to endure on going injury/insults.

I saw my sister after a 7 year gap, for 20 minutes. So what. Occasionally, I think about her and getting in touch (out of pity) but the risk is too great for me to contemplate the possibility of engaging in Death By Ten Thousand Cuts with her again. The damage was too great.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 10-Feb-17 12:20:24

Don't feel stupid, btw. There is a learning curve here. I tapered contact over the period of 4 years- first was not seeing her, but then tapered phone calls, then Christmas/bday gifts got smaller and smaller-then just a card as we are adults ffs , then complete radio silence.

You learned your lesson-have a wee chuckle about it (be dismissive towards the abusive one). and move forward to a new and stronger step of nc.

Your mum's wishes are her problem so try not to let her manipulations put you at risk again. That is hard, I know. But seriously, for the sake of your mental health, you might find that you may need a bit of distance from your mum too. flowers

Soddingepiphany Fri 10-Feb-17 12:27:20

AndTheBand that makes sense, being in a psychological safe place. It makes even more sense because I have just kept thinking to myself "Why do I suddenly feel unsafe?" in the last few days. I have no idea how to heal to the point of not caring at all but then again if that was easy there wouldn't be so many people going NC I guess.

Soddingepiphany Fri 10-Feb-17 12:35:27

Thank you AndTheBand. Having a chuckle about it seems like a good idea.
My Mum didn't mean any harm, it was just a case of good intentions. I have spoken to her about it and she's now fully supportive of me going NC. Even my Mum gets nervous around my sister but luckily my sister is better behaved around her than she ever was with me.
I keep thinking "Am I being overdramatic to feel scared of her?" And then remember that on three separate occasions she punched me repeatedly in the face and that's just the physical side of it.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 10-Feb-17 14:45:26

You may benefit from individual counseling with a counselor expert in the dynamics of dysfunctional families, who also does not believe in family members sticking together at all costs.

For me, picking apart the interactions, discovering the motives behind her treatment of me, and realizing I am/was well within my rights to put boundaries in place to block her were helpful. It wasn't about me at all, it was always about her getting ego supply. She was very insidious and sneaky with left handed compliments and spending freely which was nothing more than bait.

If your sister is assaulting you, call the police. Seriously, she is banking on the fact she doesn't think you have the backbone to do that.

May I ask how old you are? Sometimes people get to a certain age (mid forties usually) and just do not put up with that crap anymore. You do not have to wait until then to draw the line!
Are you still living in the same town as your sister? Physical distance helps immeasurably.
Have you considered stepping away from FB? I'm not on FB (never have been) so don't know the ins and outs of hiding filters or what not, but if you know your sister is on there, why take the chance of stumbling across her?

I am very glad for you that you have your mother's support. That means so much. Especially since she can see your sister's behavior for the abuse that it is-she is what is called an enlightened witness. This is very important in validating you and your perspective.

Have a look at the Stately Homes thread on this board (But We Took You to Stately Homes-support for survivors of dysfunctional families) and post more of your story there if you like. (I'm not sure how to link it blush )

Soddingepiphany Fri 10-Feb-17 17:55:11

Thank you AndTheBand. Your advice is really helpful. I've had CBT in the past but didn't at that point realise what she was really like. I definitely live enough of a distance from her that I don't really risk bumping into her. It was years ago that she last punched me, she wouldn't dare since I met my fiance. I'm 29 and won't be waiting until I'm 40 to go NC indefinitely, I am doing that now and I won't make the mistake of going back on it this time! I can block her completely on Facebook so I don't see anything about her. I will take a look at that thread, thank you.
What you said about your sister always wanting to feed her ego sounds familiar, I spent a lot of time researching narcissism and realised my sister had all the traits.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now