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Am I expecting too much?

(25 Posts)
Amiexpectingtoomuch Fri 10-Feb-17 02:09:57

Been seeing someone for a few months. Five to be precise. I'm going on a work trip for two weeks and had made loose plans for this weekend before I go. He's phoned earlier to say that he can't meet up anymore as he's got a deadline to meet and the only other day he's free he's already made plans to play football.

AIBU to be pissed off? And feel like I'm low in his priorities?

I feel like telling him to sling his hook. But part of me thinks that it's too soon in the relationship to be expecting him to prioritise me. I'm confused.

Italiangreyhound Fri 10-Feb-17 02:29:05

Amiexpectingtoomuch no you are not. I would be pretty pissed off to be honest.

Would you want to go and watch him play football, is that an option? Is football literally taking all day, all evening? No time for lunch or dinner or anything before you go?

Do you like him a lot, love him?

if you are not that keen I would feel like I would be looking to see where this goes, if anywhere! If you do really like him I would be tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt and expect him to make a big fuss of me when I came back from my trip. I;d expect him to be planning this already!

To be honest how old you are may play into this. If you are both quite young he may have more of a casual attitude and expect the same of you. If you are older, as in thinking about finding the one, I would really be expecting a bit more umph from him.

Wherever you go he will hopefully be able to text or email, if he doesn't do either while you are away I would feel he is lacking in umph!

Amiexpectingtoomuch Fri 10-Feb-17 02:37:38

Thanks for your reply Italiangreyhound.

I'm 33, he's 36. Yes I do like him a lot. And thought/think he feels the same. We're both pretty laid back generally in our attitude to relationships. As in taking things slowly and seeing how we get on. Have our own lives rather than in the throws of puppy love.

Yes. I'll see how things go whilst I'm away.

Amiexpectingtoomuch Fri 10-Feb-17 02:41:10

I should add that we're both divorced but no dc. His was a lot more messy than mine as his ex basically took him to the cleaners. I think this really messed him up and he'd pretty much sworn off relationships. So it's a big step for him to even be in one at all.

TENSHI Fri 10-Feb-17 02:50:09

I think it's absolutely great and very important that he plays a team sport as that's healthy on many levels:physically and mentally especially after what he's gone through.

Is there a sport/exercise you can do so that you can focus on something else and not just on a new relationship too?

Might be a bit healthier for you too op after what you've been through.

antimatter Fri 10-Feb-17 02:57:23

All is relative. He doesn't want to ket his mates down but also puts his work ahead of his personal life for now.

I would be pissed off same as yoi are and assume that he is using both excuses as trying to ease himself off this relationship.

Italiangreyhound Fri 10-Feb-17 03:20:07

Amiexpectingtoomuch I am just going to say, that at 33 I met my dh. We dated for two and a half years as he was not at all sure he wanted to get married yet, had not had a lot of experience with woman and was quite shy.

I stuck with it because I really loved him and I am not sorry I did. But I really did have to cajole him to some degree in those two and a half years! Had I not made it plain I really wanted marriage and kids (we are Christians and neither of us was happy to move in together) then I expect we would have ended up dating for years longer!

After a couple of years he actually wanted to see less of me! I had to put my foot down and say that if that was how he felt we would not stay together. I wanted marriage and kids not a 'boyfriend' into my late 30s.

We got married when aged 36, tried for kids and ended up having a birth child and also adopting a child. I don't regret anything at all but I did have to kind of 'be in control' of things otherwise, as I say, we may still have been dating!

It really depends what you want. If you want to get married and have kids, or live together and have kids, you will need someone in the next few years who is ready, willing and able to do this. Please just keep an eye on things. If he has been very hurt, taken to the cleaners etc etc he may just feel he wants to date for a long while, if you want that, great, if not, be ready to go for what you want. XX thanks

seven201 Fri 10-Feb-17 03:32:29

I would be pissed off but know I was probably being a bit silly as it's only 2 weeks.

Amiexpectingtoomuch Fri 10-Feb-17 13:13:56

Your post struck so many chords with me Italiangreyhound. I do care about him a lot. But I don't want to waste my time on a relationship that isn't going anywhere. Maybe I should just cut my losses whilst it's still relatively early days.

Adora10 Fri 10-Feb-17 13:18:08

I'd think he's wanting to end it tbh, he's happy to not see you for two weeks, can't he even meet you for a coffee, sounds pretty lame.

Adora10 Fri 10-Feb-17 13:19:56

I also don't buy the sworn off relationships, you're not marrying him, you're dating, just sounds like an excuse not to be decent.

DJKKSlider Fri 10-Feb-17 13:22:29

I've been with my GF for over 5 years, if she was going away for two weeks I'd still want to see as much of her as possible the weekend before she went.

This person is showing you exactly how important you are to him. Bearing in mind that it is early days.... When he should be trying to make a good impression really, not great is it?

DJKKSlider Fri 10-Feb-17 13:24:00

I'd also be questioning this

'Ex took him to the cleaners' stuff.
If there were no kids involved, how exactly did she take him to the cleaners? Or is it just an excuse as to why he's got no money / can't pay for stuff?
But maybe I'm just suspicious.... wink

HarmlessChap Fri 10-Feb-17 13:29:23

Maybe suggest that you go and watch him play and go out for a drink after and then back to yours or his in the evening........

If he would rather go out with "the lads" after the game then that would say a lot.

Amiexpectingtoomuch Fri 10-Feb-17 13:57:39

DJKKSlider yes you are being suspicious grin
His ex took him to the cleaners as he put her name on the deeds to his house when they got married although she made no contribution to either the deposit or mortgage. He married thinking it was for life. But she had an affair and when they got divorced, took half the house with her. sad

He's not tight at all.

But I agree with what you say about it being early days and setting the tone for the relationship.

Adora10 Fri 10-Feb-17 15:13:23

His ex took him to the cleaners as he put her name on the deeds to his house when they got married although she made no contribution to either the deposit or mortgage

You do know the ex will probably have a completely different take on all this?

I am sure she must have contributed to the household, I assume she worked f/t too.

I just don't buy the excuse that he's had his fingers burnt etc, don't get into another relationship then if you are so scarred and destroyed, it's just an excuse imo to be non committed.

Adora10 Fri 10-Feb-17 15:14:04

His ex took him to the cleaners as he put her name on the deeds to his house when they got married although she made no contribution to either the deposit or mortgage

You do know the ex will probably have a completely different take on all this?

I am sure she must have contributed to the household, I assume she worked f/t too.

I just don't buy the excuse that he's had his fingers burnt etc, don't get into another relationship then if you are so scarred and destroyed, it's just an excuse imo to be non committed.

Amiexpectingtoomuch Fri 10-Feb-17 15:18:41

Yes, I'm sure his ex does have a different perspective, there always being two sides to a relationship! However I am in a relationship with him and not her.

FWIW, she was doing a degree at the time and he was supporting her studies as well as everything else financially. She had no income during the entire marriage. His choice to do so which I fully respect. Anyway that's not what this thread is about.

Inneedofaholiday2017 Fri 10-Feb-17 15:23:10

My take on this given his history is that he's upset you are going off for a couple of weeks and is maybe scAred you are going to cheat on him like his ex-w did and is therefore distancing himself a bit as to not get hurt?
Ask him if you can see him quickly before/after football as you'd love to see him before you go. Perhaps also reassure him you aren't going anywhere - just on a trip!

Adora10 Fri 10-Feb-17 15:25:47

Well that's married life OP, doing a degree I am sure to better herself and her earning potential but hey, an affair came along....he must have trusted her enough to marry her.

Italiangreyhound Fri 10-Feb-17 16:08:01

OP " Maybe I should just cut my losses whilst it's still relatively early days."

It must be your choice. I'd say...

You clearly like him (maybe a lot) so in your shoes I would give him a chance. I'd make sure he knew I had not plans to cheat at all, sounds silly but I'd want to just subtly let him know I am there for him and hope he is there for me.

If this scared him off, so be it. I'd rather scare him off with genuine feelings than freeze him out because I was scared I'd get hurt.

To be honest, from what you say, he does sound like a nice guy, and 'maybe a keeper', so just see how you go.

My dh wrote to me when I went away for two weeks not long after we met (email was a relatively new thing, I sound soooooo old!) and he bought me a cuddly sheep or something before I went away. Sounds silly but 18 years later, I still got that sheep! In fact he came on so strong I was almost scared off!! Bloody hell, hindsight is 20/20!

It's just a balance isn't it. Just make sure he knows you are going to miss him and would like to see him before he goes. If that is scary for him, he is maybe not the guy for you.

Hope he is!!

[hugs]

Amiexpectingtoomuch Fri 10-Feb-17 17:06:11

Thank you Italiangreyhound you are very kind.

He phoned earlier asking how I was getting to the airport, and if I wanted a lift. It's a ridiculously early morning flight so I was really touched.

I think it's a case of slow burning. I'm still in! smile

Italiangreyhound Fri 10-Feb-17 22:12:19

Amiexpectingtoomuch I'll buy a hat for the wedding, just not yet wink

So is he driving you to airport?

Amiexpectingtoomuch Fri 10-Feb-17 23:08:06

IGH if I may

Yes he is grin

Italiangreyhound Sat 11-Feb-17 02:05:44

grin

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