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Still not over domestic abuse?

(5 Posts)
WhoAmINow20 Thu 09-Feb-17 22:23:41

Not sure what I want from posting but really need to get it off my chest.

I left an abusive man 18 months ago but still feel a bit traumatised by it. Looking back I just feel so stupid that I let him treat me the way he did and so stupid that I excused all of his abuse.
I always said if a man ever hit me/spoke to me like shit I would leave straight away but I didn't..
He gave me black eyes, headbutted me, punched me, strangled me until I passed out, knocked me unconscious, stole all my money, cheated on me, would disappear all the time and turn his phone off and leave me worrying, broke my ribs, raped me. And I genuinely didn't even realise I was being abused!!! How stupid am I.
Initially when he hit me I would hit back- therefore used to think it wasnt abuse from him it was a mutual fight. Then he got more and more violent so I stopped hitting back because I knew he would end up killing me if I did. Other times I would think I'd instigated it by being horrible to him- for example after I found out he'd slept with one of my 'friends' I shouted nasty things to him then he hit me and disappeared for days sending me abusive texts.
The worse thing about this that I am so ashamed of is we have a dd together so all of this was happening when she was a baby up to the age of 2. I didn't leave him because he had made me feel like I was a terrible mother and wouldn't cope without him. He was always very loving towards DD and took a lead in looking after her. He made me go back to work and said it made sense for him to be a stay at home dad because he was better at it than me. I feel so so foolish to have believed that, I now see it was his way off making sure I stayed. Towards the end I wouldn't even take dd out alone because he said I wouldn't cope. It all just felt so normal.

In the end after an incident we split up. It was hell for a few months until he moved away. I spent around 6 months of looking over my shoulder being petrified he'd find me and kill me, I had to move house because I couldn't sleep thinking he'd get me. But I found I've more than coped with DD- I'm actually a bloody good mother and we couldn't be any closer.
I just worry what effect this has had on me , I feel like he's taking my identity and that I would be a different person if it wasn't for him. Now I'm socially awkward, I especially find it awkward talking to men. I feel let down that nobody 'saved' me and dd from him earlier. Many of my family stopped talking to me because they didn't like him but this just made me rely on him more, social services visited after he put me in hospital- yet after meeting him thought he was absolutely brilliant and there was no need for any further visits. I called the police once when he was beating me up- he was arrested and released with no charge (I had bruises around my neck) and they even said to us we weren't the usual type they normally had to see to- wtf.

Has anyone been through similar and feel like they regained their old self?

Sorry for such a long post!

keepingonrunning Thu 09-Feb-17 23:06:09

Congratulate yourself big time on surviving and now thriving. What a truly dreadful experience.
Find your nearest Freedom Programme where you will learn about the tactics of abusive men and be reassured that, sadly, there are thousands of other women who have been in similar situations to yours and didn't spot the dynamic of abuse either. We weren't given this information at school to help us protect ourselves.
Talk to your GP about Complex PTSD and EMDR to treat it. You could try counselling too but I'm not sure it would get to the root of your distress, however I am no expert. flowers

TeaholicsAnonymous Thu 09-Feb-17 23:09:12

18 months is nothing

I'm nearly 10 years and yesterday I declined a third date with an otherwise nice man because he seemed to believe in the myth of the happy hooker. I don't know if the two are linked, maybe not.
My first bf after abusive x, once we went to see a film and his car got clamped and he was not angry with me confused and I felt so overwhelmed or anxious that he was not taking it out on me that I cried, on a date.................. It is very hard but you will get there. I just do what I want to do now . I was out earlier, I should come back to this tomorrow morning.

TeaholicsAnonymous Thu 09-Feb-17 23:11:34

It's such early days for you. Well done for making the right decision.

MotherofA Thu 09-Feb-17 23:27:26


You got away and that is the main thing right now . I think you are amazing and by the sounds of it an amazing Mother too . For now you need to be proud and give yourself a break . What about asking your GP for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (google it if unsure ) or seeking some sort of therapy ?
As for the police & SS it's so sad that they are so manipulated by certain people but you proved you could get away without their help which makes you so strong . flowers

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