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Help needed to break this cycle-domestic abuse

(28 Posts)
MotherOfTwo2017 Thu 09-Feb-17 21:35:25

Hi I am new here, I need some help. I want to talk to women who have suffered as I have.

OH came out of prison december 2015, i fell pregnant very quickly and I am finally able to admit I have been suffering from domestic abuse ever since.

It began by just words,his anger for me not being completely loyal when he was inside. He wouldnt spend any time with me and I was always anxious and alone. He would disappear for hours on end and sendme absolutely crazy. Not answering his phone, or phone being off. I described it as 'he regained his freedom and i lost mine.' he took full advantage I was unable to leave, unable to go out and drink like he was. Throughout the pregnancy i convinced myself that he was just living the time he lost whilst inside. Looking back the experience was far worse than just him doing that. We would fight and argue yet he just would never ever let me go. The words he would say to me were disgusting and thenjust disappear without a second thought. It was hell!! Always blamed me. I actually felt too blame !
When babywas 2weeks oldi found out he had been living a double life. Just revenge it was apparently, but yet we then split up for a while and he continued with this 19 year old girl (Im 31 and hes 24) . Throughout his new relationship he was still sleeping with me, telling me he would end up with me he just needed some time. It was all revenge.
He eventually came back but december he cheated again with someone else and once again it was cold calculated cheating where he would deliberately leave me all night not having a clue where he is.
In fear he would begin another love triangle again i went to the police after 12hours of emotional abuse and he was arrested for an assault on me just a few days previous (funnily enough a row over me just being paranoid) We then had time apart and 2 weeks later the cycle started again this time i said we were single but he wanted to prove it to me. Last weekend i spoke with another female who had been with him friday night but instead of him apoligising i had my phone smashed up and more bruises for just texting a man and having flowers sent.
We are not allowed contact now on recommendation from social workers and there is a warrant ut for his arrest as I was so exhausted from the weekend I once again thought enough is enough.

TBH it is so hard to explain this past year but he has been vile, Ive been extrememly unhappy and my self confidence is rock bottom. I've been called every name under the sun and all the disappearing and lonliness is just heartbreaking. Even when i had a c-section and couldnt get out of bed.... disappeared!!

I know what i need to do. I know what i woud tell my friends to do but the truth is I am insanely in love with him. Our sex is incredible and we are addicted to each other but he is just so incapable of treating me well. Weve spoke since i went to the police again and hes cried, weve told each other the love yous and miss yous. Tonight I made the conscious decision to block him.Havin him do all this just makes me want to cradle him like ababy. He's very messed up! hes a cannabis smoker and I am adamant that does not help his narcissistic behaviour.

i have a blog that explains all this better if I am allowed to post link?? I am reading a book and it really all has been textbook abuse and i hate him for this past year but I cant seem to shake off that intense love for him. When we are good it is insanely good. I dont want anyone else. I justwant him!! What is wrong with me??? I wish he would just leave, but he wont. he still wants me and whilst hestill wants to make things right for the 100th time i am not strong enough to be the one to end it xxx

Please please no judging. All the health professionals say i am an amazing mum they justworry that the children are being exposed to too much of this abuse and just worry it will only get worse. The professional intervention is to support us as a family whatever we decide. I want to find the strength to say goodbye forever. Unless he gets support and changes like some men can, but i know that is unlikely. Especially now he's had enough chances. I am doing everything they say and I wont be allowing him into my home whilst this recommendation is in place but that doesnt mean I wont still want, lust andsee him otherways. As i said tonight I have blocked his mobile number, I dont need to see the sad face smileys he sends

Please ... anyone come through the other side?? xxx

Costacoffeeplease Thu 09-Feb-17 21:39:33

Your relationship is toxic, if you want to keep your child, cut all contact with him immediately - good sex is not worth your and your child's safety

MotherOfTwo2017 Thu 09-Feb-17 21:51:29

It would never get that far, I wouldn't let it and with all due respect I have asked how does someone do this.

Very hard to cut contact when I have his 4 month old baby!

pallasathena Thu 09-Feb-17 22:18:27

I'd start by growing up. You are in love with the drama and that's toxic too.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Thu 09-Feb-17 22:44:04

"We are not allowed contact now on recommendations from social workers and there is a warrant out for his arrest." And you are blogging about this? Not to mention telling us not to judge you. Fat chance.

Read what you've written, OP, and grow up. Take your kids seriously even if you can't take your own welfare seriously. I'd be very surprised if you get a lot of sympathy on MN for your self-indulgence. Block this horrible man and move on. If you don't your DC will suffer and you may even lose them.

Motherofhowmany Thu 09-Feb-17 22:48:05

You're already causing your child harm by allowing it to witness the abuse.

Op admitting you're being abused is the first step. Listen and confide in professionals. They are doing what's best for your child. You need to find that inner strength somewhere.

BumDNC Thu 09-Feb-17 22:48:11

If you do not listen to the social workers you will find yourself in a very very bad situation.
If they feel that you are incapable of letting him go, they may not feel that you are a suitable parent.
I'm not judging you so much as wanting to shake you. You are 31 and have a child. This child deserves to be safe, as do you. Good sex does not a family make. He is dangerous and toxic and you are putting yourself and child at risk constantly by this addiction.
Take all the help and support offered to you by police and social workers. Call women's aid.
Fight this: you can

BumDNC Thu 09-Feb-17 22:49:53

You want practical advice, addiction is about strength and willpower. If you believe you are powerless you will just believe you cannot do it. It's hard hard hard work, to fight something. No one has a magic cure. You need to use all your strength to do the right thing. No one will come and magic it away from you

MiMiMaguire Fri 10-Feb-17 03:35:16

It's plain and's him or your baby. Choose.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 10-Feb-17 03:53:43

If you are going to choose him, give your baby up quickly so that it can find a loving, stable home while young.

Did that make you think? I really hope it did.

Fighterofthenightman Fri 10-Feb-17 05:28:27

He's not 'insanely' in love with you though. He thinks you're a mug. I agree you need to grow up and stop with all the 'our love is so powerful, the chemistry so amazing' bla bla nonsense.

BusterGonad Fri 10-Feb-17 05:40:46

I think to him you are just easy good sex, your heightened emotions for him make the sex thrilling. You sound like a teenager to be honest. You are a mother now so I think you need to act like one. Wtf is the blog all about? You've got a lot of growing up to do by the sounds of it.

CaoNiMa Fri 10-Feb-17 06:01:29

An "amazing mum" doesn't continue a situation that is endangering her child.

Whatasmashingpumpkin Fri 10-Feb-17 06:12:42

So he's only 24 years old but has been in prison, is violent and abusive, a drug addict and a cheat? But he's great in bed?

I agree with the others, an 'amazing mum' would see him for what he actually is, forget about the 'great sex' and put the safety of her child first. You need to cut contact and focus on the fact that any situation where there is violence is no place for a child!

WallisFrizz Fri 10-Feb-17 06:16:43

Ok- practical support- engage with Women's Aid for support and NCDV to get a non molestation order if he won't leave you alone. If he continues to harass you, report it to the police.

Safeguarding advice- report any assaults and don't retract your complaints, always keep a charged mobile phone with you in and out of the house, if arguments begin to escalate make sure you know how to get you and the kids out of the house easily and don't argue in rooms where he would have easy access to weapons (i.e. the kitchen). I am hoping you will no longer have him in the house though.
Arrange child contact away from the house, a contact centre if need be.

There will be a lot of professional support for you if you are taking steps to end the relationship and keep your children safe from the emotional harm done to them but if you choose to remain in this relationship, social services will intervene to remove your kids. They will.

SaorAlbaGuBrath Fri 10-Feb-17 06:35:31

OP I'm not sure what you wanted when you wrote this post, but what I will tell you is that if SW have told you not to have contact and you are ignoring this, there is a very real risk you will lose your child.
However much you love him, have fantastic sex, you don't want to lose him, forget that for just a minute and stop and seriously think about waking up every day for the rest of your life without your child. How that would feel, how you would cope, how your little one would feel, how they would cope.
Because that's the reality, it's him or your kid.
With respect, it's not a choice. You are a mum, your baby has no voice, you need to protect your child.

picklemepopcorn Fri 10-Feb-17 06:43:06

I've been a foster carer, and babies of people like you and him end up living with people like me. It breaks my heart to see it. You don't want to lose your baby. Ask SS how to facilitate contact for the baby. They know how to do this. If they say you are a great mum, then you have the skills you need.

If he needed you he would have treated you better. He isn't going to reform into a super dad and partner by giving up weed. Maybe he'll grow up one day, but it won't be quick enough for your baby, and it won't happen if you stay with him.

You don't need him!
You just need to stay away from this guy AND don't replace him with a similar model!

tricornel Fri 10-Feb-17 07:31:56

I hope the amazing chemistry and great sex keep you happy when your child is placed in care.

That sounds very harsh - but that is the truth of it. You are putting your relationship with this dickwad above your child. If you continue, you're going to lose your baby. I can even wrap my brain around the fact that you would risk that for this bloke who can't even keep it in his trousers or keep his fists to himself.

You end it NOW. You block all contact NOW. If he turns up, send him away and if he won't go contact the police. And if you're finding it hard, look into the eyes of your baby and think about how hard it would be to give her one last hug before you pass her into the arms of a foster carer or social worker. Don't fuck this up! Get counselling, and be a good mum.

MotherOfTwo2017 Fri 10-Feb-17 07:55:19

Thankyou everyone I have taken your comments on board. Ijust want to re-itterate I am not contacting him and have not seen him since the latest assault. I do not want to continue the relationship and I want OUT. I know now he wont change and thats thefirst stage... as I always blamed exterior factors for his behaviour but the truth is he has noone else to blame but himself.

I do have an appointment with womens aid and I have come on here to find people in similar situations.

I appreciate that I look like a mess and I don't feel angry with anyones comments because they are all so right. Even the harsh ones I need to hear.

when someone has manipulated and abused me as much as he has it is ridiculously difficult to even see a way out. Its insane and I am ashamed I ever let it get this far.

Thankyou again x

tricornel Fri 10-Feb-17 08:15:50

Oh good I'm so glad you're taking these steps. Genuinely wish you all the best, and stay strong for your baby.

SaorAlbaGuBrath Fri 10-Feb-17 08:22:50

I hope you manage to escape OP and that you and your baby have a safe and happy life together.

MiMiMaguire Fri 10-Feb-17 08:27:57

Glad to hear it, the only way is ZERO CONTACT with him , block him on every app, every social media , your phone, your email, move if you have to.

wheresthewine36 Fri 10-Feb-17 08:55:47

You have made the decision that you want the relationship to be over, now you need to take steps to end it once and for all. The fact that you have a child together does make this more difficult but it's not impossible. First of all, as others have said, block him from all social media/apps etc. Write him a letter telling him your relationship is over and the only contact that is acceptable to you is regarding your child. You need to limit your contact with him to what is absolutely necessary only. As Social.Services are involved, ask them.of they can facilitate contact for him and your child so you don't have to see him. It may be that contact will need to be at a contact centre. Give yourself some time to break the habit of him. If you start to lose your resolve, think about what you are shoeing your child. A child who grows up with Eddington this type of relationship is far more likely to tolerate it themselves in the future. You don't want that. You deserve to be happy and so does your child.x

picklemepopcorn Fri 10-Feb-17 09:39:37

Concentrate on building up a happy and independent life for you and DC. Don't rely on a partner for help of any kind for a good long while. Friends and family yes, but not partners! It leaves you too vulnerable.

When you are strong and independent you will be in a much better position to choose to get involved with someone else. Never let anyone hold you to ransom by getting dependent on them!

Sorry to sound so negative, but I see people go from partner to partner hoping to solve all their problems and just getting in worse!

Adora10 Fri 10-Feb-17 11:06:57

Glad you are starting to realise that none of this is normal, it's not love, it's drama, upset, violence and some more.

Put your kids first, not some messed up guy who can't even respect you enough to not hit you.

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