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My DH stayed with me through a sexless marriage I feel so bad at how I have treated him

(6 Posts)
Itwasmeallalong Thu 09-Feb-17 20:43:56

Me and DH had 3 happy years together and then I went on the contraceptive pill. I didn't realise this at the time but it must have killed my sex drive. We would have sex once every couple of months after I started taking the pill, and at one point went two years without sex. We were only young in our 20s. We had been together 8 years and I found out DH (DP) at the time was having an affair. When I found out he broke down and cried and said he was just grateful for the attention. I broke down and cried too. Despite all my friends telling me to leave him I stayed, I tried to make an effort in the bedroom, and a year later he proposed as he said he never wanted to loose me. We got married and I came off the pill. Within a month I had a massive sex drive! My DH cried one night as he said he had missed being close to me. I felt so bad but at the same time felt angry that he had an affair, I said he should of told me he was unhappy but he said he didn't want to upset me and potentially loose me. It was all such a mess. I tried to brush it under the carpet at the time but coming off the pill made me feel alive with feelings again and so I found it hard to deal with. I never bought it up again though as it just makes us both feel bad and I didn't want to punish him with it constantly when it wouldn't change anything. Apart from that things were going great until I had twins. I have had no sex drive for 3 years. DH doesn't complain even though we have sex about twice a year sad I am just too exhausted and my drive has gone unless I ovulate but even then I'm usually too tired. I constantly worry he will cheat but he tells me he would never do that again and that it was a mistake. I feel insecure though. Even more so because I have gained weight and look a mess. I was inspired to post this after reading another thread about a lady in a sexless marriage, reading it made me feel so bad for her and then it struck me this is what my husband must feel like sad I love him so much how can I fix this?

scoobydoo1971 Thu 09-Feb-17 21:16:14

You can fix this through changing your life to find some 'me' time. I am a right one to be writing this as a workaholic...but I do take the dogs out for long walks daily. I had my kids late 30's and early 40's. I was always a chubby girl as I have polycystic ovaries and hated the gym. I am now officially called stick-insect rather fondly by my GP as I have lost 4 stone walking and sorting out my sleep patterns. It is hard to juggle you, kids, relationship, life pressure...if you get some time to yourself then you will start feeling better about you, less insecure about relationship, more body confident. It doesn't have to be much - a walk, a swim in the local pool, a beauty skin treatment, a hobby etc. Your partner needs to work with you on this as it is his best interests at heart!

Itwasmeallalong Thu 09-Feb-17 21:21:49

I feel bad like I have made him live a sexless life. He is a good looking chap and friendly with a good heart, always helping people, I know he has had admirers over the years. I feel like I have just ignored him for most of our relationship through lack of sex drive, exhaustion and I'm starting to think depression. I only feel alive now when I ovulate. It's so strange.

Itwasmeallalong Thu 09-Feb-17 21:24:28

Thank you scoobydoo. I will force myself to carve out some me time. If I could stop comfort eating it would be a start. I don't even know how to approach our lack of sex to him. Should I apologise? Try harder? I just don't know where to start. I can't believe it's taken this long to realise there is a problem, but reading the other thread shook me up and made me realise how bad things are.

picklemepopcorn Thu 09-Feb-17 22:21:56

How about organising things around when you ovulate? So get a sitter, try and get some me time in the day so you can rest, and then couple time in the evening? It will be reassuring for you both to know that things are likely to be good once a month! And as the children grow more independent, you'll probably feel better!

SandyY2K Thu 09-Feb-17 23:41:47

I'm not sure how old your twins are, but do you get a break from them?

That might be why you're exhausted?

Do you work or are you a SAHM?

Have you seen your GP about the total loss of drive? In case of a hormonal imbalance .

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