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Problems with family regarding treatment of my disabled dd

(40 Posts)
lottieandmia Thu 09-Feb-17 16:33:50

A few months ago, my uncle, who I don't know really well and rarely see decided on a visit to my mums house to give my two younger children £10 each and leave out my 15 year old dd who is severely autistic. He gave it to my mum to give to me so I didn't have the chance to speak to him about it then.

I was very upset and angry. I sent the money back to him with a letter saying that I will not tolerate discrimination against dd1 in any form and that my children are all to be treated the same. I've heard nothing back from him - no apology, nothing.

What is really annoying me is that my mother keeps telling me I'm 'disloyal' and 'despicable' for sending the money back to him. She WILL NOT acknowledge that he was wrong or that I have a right to be upset. Her logic as I see it is twisted. Surely it's normal for my loyalty to be with my child above him! Apparently, according to her friends at work I'm in the wrong. It was the final straw, since before this I had noticed he tends to ignore dd1 and only speak to my other children or show interest in them.

The situation feels so unfair that I am being made to feel that I've done something wrong when it was his choice to disrespect my dd. This uncle has a track record of not very acceptable behaviour. For example, he invited my parents to stay with him and they drove 3 hours to get there and found he was out! It turned out he was in Wales. So they drove all the way back! My mum has invited him countless times, cooked a nice meal then he cancels at the last minute. I can't see why she thinks his feelings matter so much above mine, her daughter and her granddaughter. Not that it even makes a difference but dd1 likes clothes like any other teenager. I would have been able to find something for her.

I'm just very frustrated that my mother refuses to see my point of view.

mummyto2monkeys Thu 09-Feb-17 16:50:07

You are absolutely right not to tolerate this kind of discrimination! My daughter would have said no thank you if she had noticed her big brother being left out (ds is autistic)! I would not be inviting your Uncle back either and if your mum can't see what's wrong with her brothers behaviour then I wouldn't be inviting her back either!

EmeraldIsle100 Thu 09-Feb-17 17:01:14

You were dead right! Your mum has made a bad call and her work colleagues (if it's true) are probably only agreeing with her to keep the peace. Your DD should be delighted that he doesn't care for her because he is a complete asshole.

WipsGlitter Thu 09-Feb-17 17:09:48

You were right. FiL does similar with DS2 who has downs. Great presents for DS1 and afterthoughts for DS2.

Puzzledandpissedoff Thu 09-Feb-17 17:20:54

I remember your previous thread about this, lottie. I couldn't understand your DM's strange sense of loyalties then and still can't now - has she said exactly why she's so bothered, especially as you don't even see the uncle much?

I happen to agree that you did the right thing, and in the end maybe your DM would do well to understand that this is your DD and that, as her mother, you'll handle this as you see fit

TENSHI Thu 09-Feb-17 17:24:12

I would have kept the money and send a thank you letter saying you bought something that could be shared equally between the three of them.

Your mum wants to keep the peace with her brother which is why she enables his dreadful behaviour.

Your mum invented the support of her work colleagues.

The big issue in all this is why does your mum hold you in such little regard?

That is what I'd be wanting to get to the bottom of. As her brother has form for insensitive behaviour I would not expect any more from him.

Are their any autistic traits in your family members op?

Out2pasture Thu 09-Feb-17 17:24:54

So someone you don't see often or know well, doesn't know how to approach your child. YBU, help them learn that your dd is okay with money if she is.

PotteringAlong Thu 09-Feb-17 17:25:00

Have I not read this OP before...

Gingerbreadlass Thu 09-Feb-17 17:39:01

What Put2Pasture says.

I can see your point but you essentially chose to deprive your daughter of the funds instead of taking the opportunity to educate this man that your DD would have appreciated the direct gift for him just as much as your other children.

I feel your sadness but I think your behaviour shows as little manners as his, whereas yours was born out of anger and his came out of ignorance. I would write a letter to him and explain why you were upset and why it matters to you that your 15yo DD is treated just the same as the others.

Two wrongs never make a right, IMO.

OurBlanche Thu 09-Feb-17 18:07:27

Good god!

Deprived DCs of a tenner? Get a fucking grip!

OP, your actions were fine. Your uncle and DM need to rethink their attitudes, swiftly! If they don't get it, tough! But you are right to point out that you have 3 kids... and they will acknowledge that!

Bluebellevergreen Thu 09-Feb-17 18:09:22

My mum would have the same reAction, always worried people will "talk" and stuff.
You did well!

DianaMemorialJam Thu 09-Feb-17 18:10:48

Out are you serious? He deliberately left one child out and you're defending it? Ridiculous.

Op I remember when you posted about it. He is a disposable human and your mum is enabling and defending his awful behaviour. You're well shot, you did the right thing.


DianaMemorialJam Thu 09-Feb-17 18:11:18

*dispicable not disposable! Bloody autocorrect blush

tribpot Thu 09-Feb-17 18:19:52

Time to shut your mum down. She's made her views known. She is wrong. No further discussion necessary.

You did exactly the right thing, which is to call out prejudice and stand up for the fact that all your children are equally valued and loved. Tell your mum the subject is closed.

lottieandmia Thu 09-Feb-17 18:28:10

Ginger - I was not rude at all - he was. I wrote him a letter which explained everything I have here including that dd1 has interests like any other 15 year old. She's actually very bright in spite of her severe autism. I did not sound angry in the letter. And my other daughters also agreed that dd1 shouldn't be left out and that the money should be returned. Do you think I should have kept the money for the younger two and give them the message that they are more deserving of a gift than dd1 and are more worthy because they aren't disabled?

TENSHI yes I myself am on the spectrum. I would not be surprised if this uncle is. But I would think it's obvious to anyone you don't leave out one child, no matter what.

I don't see it as my job to educate people about not being a discriminatory arse towards disabled people. I've had partners who had no experience of disability and always treated dd1 with the respect she deserves. And our lives are hard enough on a day to day basis.

I did post about this when it happened but it is eating me up as my mum is gaslighting me and trying to make me think I'm crazy and not seeing the situation clearly.

lottieandmia Thu 09-Feb-17 18:30:56

I should also say that my dad's family has never left out dd1 - my aunty sends them all the same every single time.

TheFirstMrsDV Thu 09-Feb-17 18:33:00

I doesn't matter if you were rude IMO.
All this 'two wrongs dont make a right' nonsense just leads to people spending their whole life doing horrible things unchallenged.

Why would having HFA make him leave a child out? That doesn't make any sense at all.

lottieandmia Thu 09-Feb-17 18:34:36

You're right tribpot. I suppose sadly she won't change her mind. She comes from a very dysfunctional family and is not on speaking terms with any of her other 4 siblings. So maybe this is why she refuses to see the truth on this point,

DorcasthePuffin Thu 09-Feb-17 18:36:08

You did the right thing, OP. Stay strong.

lottieandmia Thu 09-Feb-17 18:37:03

Well, I have AS and I'm always considering the possible impact of my actions on others. But I do think this uncles behaviour lacks social skills, generally. Everyone presents differently I guess.

PandasRock Thu 09-Feb-17 18:40:59

You are not wrong.

You weren't back when it happened, and you aren't now.

It is not acceptable to leave one child out. I have similar in my family, with my PIL. they are crap anyway, but this morning I noticed a card had arrived for dd2's birthday next week. Dd1 (12, severely autistic) has not had a birthday card since she was about 2 (i.e. when she was dx'd). I am sorely tempted to 'lose' dd2's card - she hasn't seen her grandparents in more than 5 years (they haven't even met my ds - he's 4), and has little idea who they are. But I hate the idea that she is 'good enough' to get a card, when dd1 isn't.

lottieandmia Thu 09-Feb-17 18:59:57

PandasRock - I'm sorry that you have to deal with this as well.

PandasRock Thu 09-Feb-17 19:05:43

It's all just part of the rich tapestry of life!

It pisses me off enormously, but I can at least take comfort from the fact that they are not my relatives - I have as little to do with them as possible, and I could make that choice with no qualms whatsoever.

I'm sorry that your mum is giving you such a hard time over this. I agree with a pp - time to put it to bed. State once and for all that your position remains the same, and that you will now no longer discuss it at all.

lottieandmia Thu 09-Feb-17 19:09:59

Yes I think that's all I can do. But it does really wind me up when she calls me 'despicable' when I'm just sticking up for my (vulnerable) child.

PandasRock Thu 09-Feb-17 19:31:41

Yes, I can see it would.

TBH, I would turn into a petulant teen at that point, and stomp off muttering 'whatever!' grin

But honestly, it's all you can do. Unless you really don't want to put up with it, in which case stand your ground. But that won't be comfortable.

As I said, it was no skin off my nose to draw a line, and refuse to put up with my PIL nonsense. But they're not my relatives. Ffs, even my notoriously socially incompetent, never-had-kids-and-not-particularly-good-with-them, blunt to the point of rudeness uncle behaves better than my PIL!

It's really not that hard - all people are equal. It's not their skin colour, skills, ability to graduate from Oxbridge, job level, or anything else that counts. Everyone deserves to be treated as a real person, in their own right.

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