Laid back or neglectful?

[chalkandchocolate]

Friends and family often comment on how lucky I am to have such a laid back husband, however I find his behaviours more neglectful than laid back.
He is scruffy and unkempt, makes as little effort as he can get away with in most of what he does, avoids any sort of confrontation, ignores when he's being taken advantage of or controlled and completely avoids change of any kind.
I often feel I have my work cut out as he will shun anything that he doesn't seem absolutely necessary, although his very calm balanced demeanor often had a positive impact when I'm stressed out or upset.
I wish people could see how difficult his "laidback" nature often makes life for me, but instead they emphasise how wonderful and great he is, happy to get along with anyone and everyone for a bit of peace.
when does laid back become neglect? Any examples from others or insights greatly appreciated!

[TheNaze73]

As the great Bobby Gillespie once said, One man's freedom tighter is another's terrorist

The only opinion that counts here is yours.

[TheNaze73]

He said fighter, excuse the typo.

[pocketsaviour]

Has he always been like this though? Presumably you valued this characteristic enough to marry him!

Or has it been just gradually getting worse?

I find that sort of attitude very annoying myself - had an ex who was very like it. It's just the passivity of it.

When I was with him, a friend had told me about one of those personality type questions you get asked in interviews. It went "You're walking across the desert and you reach a wall. What do you do?"

No further information given. My response had been asking questions, e.g. how high is the wall? am I carrying any tools? what's the wall made of? etc. Which fits my analytical personality!

I posed this question to my ex, and his response was "Oh well I suppose I'd just sit down and wait to die."

[shocked]

In that moment I thought "I cannot be with this man anymore. A man who would passively-aggressively decide to die in the desert rather than find a solution."

It was the perfect metaphor for his entire approach to life.

[Lacoba66]

pocket that's so shockingly negative of your ex, that it made me .

How do people with that mind set actually function through life?

[Happybunny19]

I don't understand why others opinions are relevant here. Why is it important that others that know you and him see what you perceive as a more positive version of him than you believe to be true? If you're unhappy in your marriage you need to decide if you want to try to fix the problems and remain together or split.

As has been said above, has he always been this way and you tolerated it or has he changed significantly in his outlook since you married?

And to the Naze, I usually agree with your posts, but on this occasion need to pull you up for describing Bobby Gillespie as great. Unless there's another Bobby Gillespie I'm unaware of the, the bloke from Primal Scream has spent over two decades deluded of his importance with the 90s music scene. One relatively good indie pop track does not make someone great ;)

[TheNaze73]

@Happybunny19

That cracked me up. I'm obviously stuck in a Screamadelica timewarp

[May50]

My ex P was so laid back he was horizontal . Very passive, and non-confrontational. This was a lovely trait to start as it counteracted my stressiness , but over time so irritating. I realised he wasn't laid back but a lazy manchild.

[chalkandchocolate]

Haha... pocketsaviour... there was no hope for your ex! My husband is quite different in that respect. He would actually have a brilliant, cunning plan after asking enough questions to find out more and escape intact. However, this is a life and death situation. If he doesn't "have" to do something, he won't even though he's extremely capable of doing so... probably makes it more infuriating.

[chalkandchocolate]

May50: Did you find an ideal partner after your ex who was a happy medium?

[Atenco]

I don't understand why others opinions are relevant here

I just don't go around saying negative things about other people's partners and family members in RL and I wouldn't be too happy if someone said something critical about my own loved ones, frankly.

I was much more insensitive when I was younger, lost some very dear friends and learnt my lesson.

[May50]

Chalkandchocolate - I am now resolutely single, not looking for another partner. Me and the kids just us is fine ...... However further down the line I may want to date now and then but can't see me ever living with a partner again.

[MaybeDoctor]

I think every characteristic can have its upside and downside.

A passive partner where you have to be the driving force in everything = you have a lot of control and they often think you are great.

A highly driven partner who always wants you to be doing more, better = bloody hard work but at least you get a lot done.

I won't tell you which one I have

So are you getting the upsides of this characteristic too?

[May50]

Chalkandchocolate - I could have handled a balance. However in my case it was all one way - so he was passive, lazy, and also financially irresponsible (brought in no money). So - if he'd had the same character but toddled off to work each day (as I have to) , and contributed to the family pot then I could have coped with his nature, as no-one would ever say he wasn't a lovely, pleasant character. He was. But leaving everything on my shoulders wore me down. Since he has gone it has made not one jot of difference. He added nothing so his departure has not been noticed.