Hello, I'm a very long-time lurker but this is my first post. I've been debating for a while about posting for advice, but it's really come to a point now where I'm running out of ideas of what to do.
I'll try not to drip feed, so this might be a long one! Sorry.
My parents are both retired. DF took early retirement, but DM took voluntary redundancy around the same time. She didn't want to leave, but they were making big changes to her role which would have meant taking on twice the work load but in less hours, plus additional travel. I completely support her decision.
Unfortunately, the way things are now, it is particularly difficult for women in their forties and fifties to find employment. I've seen this with other family members and also with a couple of women I have worked with. It's a struggle - you become dependent on savings and your partner (if you have one) until you can claim your pension (which may be meagre if you took a career break to bring up a family). I really feel that something should be done to stop companies discriminating against employing women at this stage in their lives.
DM loved working and misses it a lot. DF always said when he took early retirement that he would do a few bits of private consultancy here and there. Despite being called up frequently, he never does any of it. He needs a rest apparently...even a few years on 
DF has become unbelievably lazy. He does NOTHING. Sits on the computer or iPhone all day doing F all. He probably wouldn't even eat or go out if DM wasn't there.
Their relationship seems basically non-existent now (a number of reasons over a number of years). They spend the day in the same house but different rooms. I think a big thing is that DF just doesn't do anything for DM, and despite MANY conversations with him, he doesn't change.
DM has a couple of friends, but doesn't have any hobbies. This time of year seems to get her down anyway because of the weather. Over the past year I've been watching her sink into depression and she won't do anything about it. She refuses to seek professional help ("I don't want pills and telling someone how shit my life is won't help"), she won't even try any activities that I suggest to get her out of the house or occupied. She is isolating herself more and more.
I try to point out the good things, but she always finds a way to turn it around or say it's not enough. I know that it's illness speaking. I just don't feel equipped to deal with it.
Unfortunately I live in Europe now with soon to be DH (who is very supportive in all this), so can't even pop in as much as I'd like. We're here short-term for stbDH's job, but will be moving back next year or so to our house (still not near to DM though). I fly back at least one weekend per month. They have never come to visit me. I'm lucky that I am self-employed, so when I'm not with clients I do got back to the UK for a week or so and work from there to keep her company. Siblings live in the UK but the other side of the country. They visit when they can and call DM often. I do feel I'm taking on more of the burden than they are, but I think it's a personality thing and they're in different high-pressure careers that have little to no flexibility.
I don't know what to do. I know I'll be told it's not my responsibility. But it makes me so sad and I feel completely helpless. I also feel guilty for being happy about the good things going on in my life (buying a house, getting married, career is going REALLY well).
Has anyone been through the same? Any suggestions? Even a hand hold.
Please be kind. Thank you.
(P.S. Wasn't sure where to put this - is Relationships the right place?! 
)
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Relationships
Need some advice on a difficult situation
GinAndFrolics · 09/02/2017 12:11
Thank you for replying User 
She's always been arty and crafty. She knits and crochets most days now - I suggested she go with a friend of hers who is also retired and is super social and does activities every day. Things like jewellery making, painting etc. She won't. She said they need to be careful with money. Most of the time that's what she'll use as an excuse not to do something. I offer to pay with my siblings as a treat, she won't accept it because she doesn't want us spending our money on her (she's returned birthday gifts in the past and given us the money back ).
I suggested she goes over to her friend's place or has her over to do some crafty things. She won't.
She was socialising and seeing people for coffee for a while after she stopped working, but that's dwindled down. She said she feels like she has nothing to contribute to conversations and that she's boring and that they're judging her for being boring.
I know all these things are from the depression. When she does end up doing things her mood is lifted and she's much happier. When I point this out she says she's doing it for us so we feel better
She loves it when stbDH and I and my siblings are there. I guess there's a bit of empty nest going on as well.
Now I'm rambling. Thank you User, it is nice to have someone "listen".
Hi zznotxy - I have suggested that also. She said she'd rather work and be paid for it and wouldn't want to have committed to that and then have to leave if/when she finds a job.
That's the thing BugPlaster, she really wants to go back to work, even if it's not in her field, just no-one is employing women her age. She's even tried roles that people stereotypically associate with "older" women e.g. librarian positions. There's either no requirement, or they want younger people. Nothing wrong with hiring younger people I suppose, just seems society has left her out to pasture.
She keeps telling me she feels like she's just waiting to die 
I tell her to think about when she'll have grandchildren and that we all need her.
She's really in a rut and in my opinion does need professional help. But if she won't go I can't do anything and I'm running out of responses and suggestions.
Great suggestions from you guys though. I will try again RE: charity shop.
PurpleToeNails - She's in her late fifties.
I have asked her, most times she says if it weren't for my siblings and I, she doesn't see the point in carrying on
As for how she would like things to be, she says there's no point thinking about it because it won't happen.
Yes, schlong (never thought I'd type that on MN!), DF is definitely a major part of the problem. And I agree with you, totally, utterly soul destroying.
The thing is, DF is totally lost without her and if they're apart for whatever reason, he calls incessantly. But when they're together he ignores her or makes sarcastic jibes (that he thinks is just him joking and being funny, but she really hates and it upsets her). No matter how much siblings and I tell him to stop it, he carries on. He does it to us as well. I honestly think he's totally clueless and doesn't know any better.
They'll have loving moments here and there, but it's becoming a lot rarer.
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