Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
In love, need to leave but I'm struggling.. Help!(58 Posts)
I've not posted here before, but have read a lot of threads and love the honest advice, so, here I am!
I have been with my OH for 3years, 8 months. We met online, and lived 150miles apart. As a result of this I moved in with him after 6 weeks. I know this was too fast, but at the time it felt right.
NB; he owns his own house outright
It was all Ok for the first year, we spoke about the future, he was doing his house up and working (self-employed), I got a new job up here, things looked good! His family were (are!) lovely, and wonderfully accepting. Of course, things have changed. His family are still lovely, he is still doing the house up - nothing has really changed, other than the installation of a wood burner and removal of the old bathroom, the rest of the house and garden is a building site. The changes are, to me at least, huge;
He no longer really works (last year his annual income was a few £ over my monthly income), this doesn't seem to bother him, and what money he does earn he spends on stuff that's not important - I pay ALL of the bills/food/fuel/insurances etc. He is cross - at life seemingly. He doesn't want to get married (it's too much of a risk - despite me having an agreement written up to protect his home), he doesn't want to have children, at least not in the near future (he has a 13 YO dog, that's responsibility enough for him, he wants a good few years to himself with no responsibility), though I don't think he ever see's himself as being a dad. And I completely respect that, but I always thought I'd be a mum, and still want to be. I'm 32, he's 41, so my time is short (being realistic). I also do everything in the house, I cook and clean (I like doing this!), but when I come home from work and there is a bowl of washing up to do and mess everywhere and the bed isn't made, it really gets to me. I feel sad a lot of the time.
I have awful credit, so didn't expect to be able to rent around here. I've been looking for somewhere for around 8 weeks - we had a big row and I knew it was done (he questioned where all my money went - BTW - MY wages is OURS apparently). I found a little house, and out of interest 'wasted' agent fees on referencing. Turns out it wasn't a waste - I passed! And I can move in on 13th March.
My dilemma is this; I love him. I feel responsible for him. He suffers with health anxiety (made worse by my Crohn's disease which I don't talk about incase it sets him off), and I don't know how he would cope emotionally and financially if I left. I know he's not my responsibility, but I feel responsible for him.
My mum is behind me 100% whatever decision I make, I am just so scared. I will miss the cuddles, the affection, but is that enough to stick around? I know I couldn't sacrifice having (or at least trying) for children.
I am really stuck (and scared). I know in my heart of hearts that the relationship has just become habit, that we just live together, that I fully support the household on my income (it's not great - I'm only a PA), we don't go on holiday (we've never been on holiday together), we don't go out (he hates leaving the dog), hell I don't even get to watch TV in the evening, it's all YouTube videos or music that he likes. I really don't think he knows what he's doing - I think he just see's it as it's his house, it's what he likes, so what the hell!
Should I just sign the tenancy agreement and move out? If so, when do I tell him? Shall I start bringing it up now? If he knows I'm off, he can ask me to leave now, I don't have anywhere to go (a 150 mile commute from my mums' wouldn't work!), or shall I speak with him first (this weekend)? Ask him if we can have a family? If - when - he says no, is that my time to say I want one, and that it's a deal breaker?
Sorry to ramble and thank you for all and any advice!
You should feel responsible for yourself and your own happiness firstly. And if you do not feel happy in that relationship, you should talk to him, and if it doesn't show any results, you should leave.
Please sign the tenancy. You are not responsible for him but I understand why you feel you are. You can still keep an eye on him once you've left but you deserve a chance at real happiness which this man is not giving you now.
If it's gone this way so early on I'd leave. Life is too short!
Sign the tenancy and move. Maybe it will motivate him to get his,act together. Do not fund his life . I lived like this for 13 years but with addition of 2kids. Its no way to live your life
Why would you want children with him? He sounds horrendous.
Sign it. Move on. He sounds like a man-child. What are you actually getting out of this relationship?
Thank you for your replies! And so quickly!
I don't get a great deal from the relationship..with the exception of cuddles and that nonsense, there is nothing else in it for me it seems.
I realise I've painted him perhaps in a bad way, but I know he does care for me, I just don't think he cares in the right way. Every day he tells me he loves me, lately he's been saying how he's really in love with me, how beautiful I am etc. etc., but that's not going to get me a husband and family, and if he's totally honest he doesn't want that, it's not important to him.. So where does he expect our relationship to go? He says he'd love me to be at home all the time and not work, but seems to not realise that for that to happen he would have to work, and I'd have to have a reason to be at home (ie kids!)!
I knowI shoudl sign it and move on/out, it's just abig step..
Should I speak with his mum (we have a good relationship) and ask her to look out for him/forewarn her?
He's 41, not 4. He'll be fine. It's absolutely ok to leave someone, however much you love them, if they don't have the same values and goals in life as you. In fact, you absolutely should leave them, as one (or both) of you will be unhappy if your whole life is a compromise, and 'love' will never be quite enough to make up for the resentment of having to live life their way.
So he says he loves you, how beautiful you are, but he doesn't earn money, you pay everything, won't have kids, won't even watch your TV, won't go on holiday..no wonder he keeps up the compliments, otherwise the game (of him being an utter loser) would be up!
Move on, you are young and can find someone who wants to live a more healthy rounded life, contributes to the finances and wants children. This is going nowhere, sadly for him.
He's not your responsibility. He's an apparently contentedly unemployed leech who seems to think you're trying to trap him into marriage for his house, he's made is plain he has no interest in doing the things you want (marriage and children), and there is zilch for you in this relationship.
No, you shouldn't talk to his mother and get her to 'look out for him'. He's forty fecking one, not four. It's crazy that you are even asking this, and suggests you are a caretaker-figure rather than an equal partner in the relationship.
Just go. Run for the hills, and next time don't move in with someone after six weeks, and uproot yourself to be with him. Work on your self-esteem.
You will find someone else to get cuddles from easily enough. Make sure that's happening when you're 32 not 42!
Sign the tenancy and move out.
He's a grown up, he acts like a twat, he's left on his own - if he was a decent partner you'd be staying wouldn't you? So it's his responsibility at the end of the day
Move on and don't move in with anyone else after only 6 weeks !!
It exactly the same but I had a caretaker style relationship with an older man when I was younger. My father is older and had a very dysfunctional childhood. I realise now- after a lot of therapy- that I was trying to "save" my father through this relationship. I wonder if you've got or had someone similar in your life that you're trying to save or a situation you're trying to put right? He didn't care about my opinions or tastes either. I even dressed how he wanted me to dress and had my hair how he liked it. It was not healthy. Leaving was hard and I loved him immensely but I've never regretted it. There's a healthy relationship out there for you.
For what it's worth my ex didn't want kids either. I think that's a big part of this kind of person: if they had a child they'd have to give up being a child themselves.
But they're words and sometimes words are cheap and easy and often great for manipulation. If they're not backed by actions they're not worth much. You're still really young at only 32. Love sadly does not conquer all and does mean shared values. You'll end up resenting him because of the lack of shared values and the relationship will mean you've wasted time and also you'll probably end up coming out of it with an issue 'he says he loves me but won't marry me. What's wrong me with me?' Type stuff. Have a fresh start and don't rush into the next relationship.
I've been in a relationship similar to what you describe for 15 years: met online, moved in too fast, got pregnant, got married. What were seemingly minor issues relating to his health, anxiety, inability/lack of desire to stay employed or behave like an adult have increased over time to the point where I no longer love him and am thinking seriously about divorce but am trying to fix it (about to start Relate) because of the disruption to our DS (I don't hold out huge hope but I have to at least try, whether H will try is another matter). My H is also cross at life, nothing is ever his fault, it's always someone else's. Trust me, your OH's issues will only get worse with time. He is an adult and responsible for his own life. You are responsible for yours. Your little house sounds lovely, enjoy it and your own space and living your life for you
Sign the tenancy, if he genuinely wants to be with you he'll realise it and work for you. And you may find you don't want or need him anyway. Sign the tenancy!
I'm so glad he doesn't want kids, otherwise you'd be stuck working full time while your child's in daycare and he'd carry on mooching around the house making a mess for you to clear up when you get home.
I think he sounds horrible, tbh. You can't even have an illness without him saying his is worse and you have to shut up about yours. I bet he doesn't shut up about his!
I would sign the tenancy and tell him on the day you're leaving. I'd then tell his mum - I doubt she'll be surprised. And look for friends who are good for you and good to you - this guy is neither.
I don't know how he would cope emotionally and financially if I left
He coped on his own before you came along. You can't save him, you can only save yourself.
As for money, he'll have to pull his bloody finger out and get a job, won't he?
So your wages are his as well, but his stuff - the house, the entertainments in it - is all his and you have no say in it or share in it? He's not a life partner. Don't worry about how he'll support himself when he hasn't shown you that kind of consideration.
You work, you pay for everything, he can't even be arsed to do a load of washing up when he's at home all day, just leaves it for you to do when you get back after a day's work. He worked when you met him. He was clearly only waiting for a provider to come along so he could drop that pretence.
You don't get to do anything you want - not the little things, like going out, watching TV, having a holiday, not the big things, like getting married and having a family.
Sign the damned agreement already! As for when you tell him, I really couldn't advise - is he the type to let you stay until your house is ready or will he give you your marching orders? Do you have any work friends with a spare room for a week or two, if necessary?
You are caretaking which means doing for someone what that person should be doing for themselves.
You are also asking very little from the relationship - just kind words but love should be a 'doing' word. Go ahead with the tenancy, rebuild your life without him and in a couple of years you will look back with amazement that you spent so long with him.
I did something similar in my 20's and felt responsible for an ex, looking back it was crazy and it took good friends to shake me out of my low self worth and demand that I ask for more from a relationship.
You are worth much, much more than you are getting. Do you believe that?
The laziness can be addressed and if he's neither working on the house or working to provide some income there is no excuse for leaving things fr you to do when you get home.
As for you paying the running costs of the house don't feel quite so hard done by. You may be paying the day to day bills but he has already covered the accommodation costs by owning the house outright, unless he's also charging you rent! When you go off to rent you'll be paying both the running and accommodation costs.
However, I do think you need to bring it to an end. You want children but he clearly does not. That is the fundamental issue, you could keep on until he agrees but he may well resent it and may not be the dad your children would deserve.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.