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In a relationship with ex's best friend

(22 Posts)
whatsthebestthingtodo Wed 08-Feb-17 22:12:14

20 years ago, I had a brief relationship with a lovely man that didn't work out and he ended it after about 4 months. I was upset but realised it was the right decision. We weren't sexually compatible although I didn't fully realise back then as I was only 18 and fairly inexperienced.

We stayed friends though and I became friends with his best mate. You've guessed it, there was a real spark with his best friend and we ended up in bed after a drunken night out.

However, unbeknownst to us, we had been spotted kissing in the bar by ex's flatmate who then told ex.

Well, the shit hit the fan and after a mahoosive row, ex and I never spoke to each other again.

Fast forward 20 years and I bumped into ex's best friend!!! And the spark was still there. We spent hours catching up (it turned out he and ex fell out badly at first but gradually sorted things out between them and were now close friends again) and talked about what could have been.

We've been seeing each other now for a couple of months and have been talking about what to say to ex. So far he doesn't know that we're back in touch let alone dating.

The question is, when to tell him. And how. The last thing I want is to come between two friends again like I did when I was young and foolish.

What's the best thing to do?

whatsthebestthingtodo Wed 08-Feb-17 22:18:28

I should add that new man has revealed that ex was actually in love with me but was scared of commitment which is why he ended the relationship. We were all just kids back then.

Waltermittythesequel Wed 08-Feb-17 22:21:13

Twenty years??

Actual years?

I think it'll be fine. hmm

fc301 Wed 08-Feb-17 22:21:21

You don't owe him an explanation.

whatsthebestthingtodo Wed 08-Feb-17 22:21:59

I'm probably overthinking it

whatsthebestthingtodo Wed 08-Feb-17 22:22:33

Thank you for the grip! I needed it!

Cricrichan Wed 08-Feb-17 22:26:21

Haha. It's been 2 decades! Enjoy and don't worry!

Waltermittythesequel Wed 08-Feb-17 22:28:31

Glad you've seen the light! grin

Lessthanaballpark Wed 08-Feb-17 22:28:47

Yes. I don't think you need to feel bad about it after 20 years. Even if he is a bit hurt a reasonable man would see that he needs to get a grip.

It sounds very romantic that the two of you still have feelings after all this time. Hope it all works out flowers

goinglocomoto Wed 08-Feb-17 22:29:25

Forget about the ex. It's so exciting that you've rekindled things with the other guy. 20 years - it feels like just yesterday doesn't it. You're lucky to have the opportunity to feel these feelings all over again. Go for it!

whatsthebestthingtodo Wed 08-Feb-17 22:30:31

Thanks Lessthanaballpark. It's early days yet but it does feel good!

goinglocomoto Wed 08-Feb-17 22:31:02

I.e don't mention it to the ex. Is your guy still friends with him anyway?

whatsthebestthingtodo Wed 08-Feb-17 22:34:31

Yes, they are still good friends. Which is why I'm cautious. It ended our friendship back then and almost ended theirs. For background, they've been friends since schooldays. So ex was understandably very upset and felt betrayed when it happened at the time.

ImperialBlether Wed 08-Feb-17 22:35:50

Are you still in touch with your ex then? What does it have to do with him?

PollytheDolly Wed 08-Feb-17 22:38:01

Is Ex now married, with someone etc?

I wouldn't worry. He ended it. Yes it probably smarted a bit but time has moved on....quite a lot!

Enjoy your relationship, sounds like it's meant to be.

goinglocomoto Wed 08-Feb-17 22:41:28

The clincher is that it seems that the the ex ended it with you. We know that because you said 'I was upset but realised it was the right decision'. After he did that you had/have no responsibility for his feelings.

He made a choice and he has to live with it for 10, 20, 30+ years later. He may very well have regretted it but that's not your problem. You can do whatever you want. And NO, don't bother telling him. He can find out of his own accord.

whatsthebestthingtodo Wed 08-Feb-17 22:42:11

No, ex never married or even have a long term relationship. He apparently still has commitment issues

goinglocomoto Wed 08-Feb-17 22:43:40

If your current man is still friends with the ex, the, that's his problem to deal with. Definitely not yours.

whatsthebestthingtodo Thu 09-Feb-17 00:52:52

Thanks goinglocomoto. Good advice. I'll relax now and let it be.

BIWI Thu 09-Feb-17 00:55:30

20 years later - and someone who ended your relationship after 4 months, and you're still agonising over it?!

<hands a very large grip over>

Enjoy it and stop worrying!

whatsthebestthingtodo Thu 09-Feb-17 00:59:16

Haha BIWI grin
Thank you. Grip most certainly got now! grin

NarkyMcDinkyChops Thu 09-Feb-17 01:06:43

Stop calling him your ex, it was nothing!

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