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Am I jealous?

(22 Posts)
namechanged75465 Wed 08-Feb-17 16:11:50

I've name changed as I'm embarrassed to be asking this!

DH has his own business and employs 20-30 members of staff. Late last year he took on another member of staff.

This one was different – he told me he was so “excited” to be hiring her. He never normally comments at all on them except to maybe mention how interviews went. He kept saying how amazing she was, comparing her to existing staff members earning 100K+ saying she was amazing and just like them (she’s very young and paid considerably less). She was asking questions in the interview about how much she could get away with expensing when away on business and normally he would pick up on these things, but in this case he didn't seem to think it was a weird question for her to have. She had also moved jobs quite a few times in close succession... again, in the past he's raised these as red flags against hiring someone.

I admit to being a bit jealous as he was raving about her so much (in fact, he head hunted her with no prior experience of her other than their first meeting), and I did google her and she’s very attractive and young. I mentioned this to him, and he said she was unattractive – she is certainly not.

He kept saying how her CV was amazing and if I saw it I would understand. That she was worth the salary, and he wasn't worried about the short job history/quick changing of jobs, or the fact she's keen to spend on the expenses policy etc.

I did see it, and her CV is not that great at all. In fact, she has no experience really. A year or so, and he’s paying her in excess of £50K per year. I just can’t understand why he is raving about her so much and paying her so much more than similar members of staff. He tells me I am out of touch and that's a normal London salary for that role with her experience. I find that a bit patronising to be honest. I am a SAHM now but was working a year ago in a similar industry. It hasn't changed that much! He also tells me that its his company and I should trust his judgement - so I feel like he's telling me to butt out and maybe I should.

This week I asked about her and was told he’s had no communication with her. He said he hasn’t worked with her at all.

He seemed on edge, so I asked if he would show me his work emails. He wouldn’t. After I got annoyed he did show me, but tried to scroll very quickly past them all on his phone.

I could see he has been speaking with her, and he snatched the phone quickly away from my view.

I didn’t really see what the emails said, but he did then admit that what he said wasn’t true - they are in fact working closely together on a project alone and he’s specifically not told me anything about this. It seems a weird thing to lie about if its all innocent. He says he lied because he thinks I would get irrationally jealous. I'm also now wondering what the emails said since he wouldn't let me see!

He never shows me his phone, and keeps it closely attached to him wherever he goes. He has always been like this though – so I don’t think that in itself is necessarily a strange behaviour.

I now feel uncomfortable about the whole thing. He says I’m irrationally jealous and maybe I am. I just know this behaviour has been different to others he has employed. He says I need to see a therapist and that I have mental health issues.

I have suffered from anxiety in the past and I've had counselling. This has touched a nerve with me, and upset me that he's said this - He knows its a sore subject for me. I'm wondering whether my anxiety is back and worse than ever. I'm not really sure why I am writing this or what I'm expecting you to say, because he obviously hasn't done anything wrong - but something about this makes me uncomfortable and I'd appreciate your views on whether I'm just a bit crazy or whether you would think it seemed odd too.

Thank you!

Lovemusic33 Wed 08-Feb-17 16:20:12

I don't think your being crazy, I don't think anyone is crazy for feeling their dh/dp maybe up to something because quite often your gut instinct is right sad. The fact he has lied about working with her would ring alarm bells for me too, why hide something like that when you asked him outright? He has no reason to lie unless he has something to hide? I would be asking him more questions.

Don't ever feel like your being crazy, I did this with ex, i brushed of obvious signs that he was up to something because I didn't want to believe that he could be, I should have questioned him more.

Adora10 Wed 08-Feb-17 16:23:23

He never shows me his phone, and keeps it closely attached to him wherever he goes. He has always been like this though – so I don’t think that in itself is necessarily a strange behaviour.

Sorry but this is not normal, it's classic cheating behaviour, or if not cheating, he's doing something online that he doesn't want you to see, why is that?

You are not being irrational, and what he has said to you about mental health etc is disgusting and imo hiding a guilty conscience.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 08-Feb-17 16:25:17

He says I need to see a therapist and that I have mental health issues
Oh dear!
That's not good.
That's the start of the cheaters script for sure.
He'd be getting an ultimatum from me!

Thephoneywar Wed 08-Feb-17 16:29:30

Regarding your own phone is perfectly legitimate and normal. I keep my phone close to me and don't let my partner route through it at will. It's personal. It's my phone. I'm not hiding anything or cheating. Not all people who are protective of their personal property are liars or cheats.

Thephoneywar Wed 08-Feb-17 16:31:30

That said, in this scenario the OPs husband is being very suspicious.

Adora10 Wed 08-Feb-17 16:34:25

Not all people who are protective of their personal property are liars or cheats

Of course not but it's classic, common sense tells you that.

Never said he should let her go through his phone, of course he shouldn't.

And that's before her actual current issue; his lying and accusing her of mental health issues; he's causing the OPs suspicions!

Thephoneywar Wed 08-Feb-17 16:44:23

Yeah in this scenario the OPs suspicions are probably correct, unfortunately.

Regarding phones, I think if a partner all of a sudden becomes protective of their phone/laptop, when previously they were not, that is a sign that something is up.

If, like me, he's always been that way with his stuff then I don't think that alone proves anything.

Inconsistent behaviour is suspicious.

Adora10 Wed 08-Feb-17 16:46:05

True, I agree, unless he takes it everywhere, as in the loo etc, that's not normal whether consistent, or new behaviour.

category12 Wed 08-Feb-17 16:50:24

Trust your gut. Why on earth is he lying about 'working closely with her on a project alone' if there's nothing amiss?

Using your previous MH issues against you to make you STFU is really low.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Wed 08-Feb-17 16:50:31

He's lying to you and evidence is rather overwhelmingly pointing to him cheating on you too. He sounds like a nasty shit, gaslighting you and telling you you need help. He's causing you to feel the way you do!

Thephoneywar Wed 08-Feb-17 16:51:14

Sorry to be argumentative but i take my phone to the loo. It's that or reading the back of the shampoo bottle like in the old days.

Adora10 Wed 08-Feb-17 16:52:59

You're an addict then phoney lol......

namechanged75465 Wed 08-Feb-17 16:53:35

He said he lied @Lovemusic33 because he knew I would be uncomfortable with him being alone with her all the time and he thought I would ask him lots of questions about it, so he said its my irrational jealousy that's causing him to need to lie. This is why I'm worried - that I'm actually causing him to keep things from me because I'm irrational.

What kind of ultimatum @hellsbellsmelons? I'm not sure how I can find out if this is the start of something, or if he just wants it to be, or if nothing is going on at all...

He has always been like this with his phone @Thephoneywar so I don't think this is necessarily related... I'm just the very opposite really. It's different to how I am with my phone but I definitely don't think it means he must be hiding something - I guess it would make it easier though.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Wed 08-Feb-17 16:55:18

Thephoneywar so do I and so does my DP; it'll be in our pocket or we'll play music while in the shower or whatever so I agree that it isn't necessarily suspicious, but, as you say, that's a red herring here, imo.

category12 Wed 08-Feb-17 17:30:28

No, he's lying and being secretive because there's something going on and it's very convenient to throw you off balance and question yourself, instead of him.

He could have let you read the emails if he wanted to prove to you that there's nothing going on and therefore you're at fault.

Msqueen33 Wed 08-Feb-17 17:36:05

Hmmmm even without him and his phone it's suss. Whether he's got a crush or if it's something else it's not great. Why lie? And not just say he's working with her? Sounds odd. Classic script by turning it around and making out you're crazy. I'd be very wary. If her cv isn't great and he's acting odd I'd be watching him closely.

Lovemusic33 Wed 08-Feb-17 17:38:50

Stop questioning wether it's you being crazy and jealous, he has given you reason to be jealous but talking about her so much, saying how wonderful she is when actually she probably isn't ( he probably just finds her atractive ). If he didn't have anything to hide he wouldn't keep his phone so close and he wouldn't care if you looked at it.

I thought I was crazy for suspecting my ex, he spoke about how women chatted him up and would tell me how he turned them away because he had me at home, he hid his phone from me, it never left his side until the day we had a argument and he stormed off with out it, I then checked it and realised I wasn't crazy, I had a reason to be jealous and he had lied to me over and over sad.

pineapplesplit Wed 08-Feb-17 17:41:55

IDK what do you hope to achieve? Theres not much evidence at this point apart from what you feel. This could all be innocent. It might not be but at the moment you just dont know for sure. I think making a big deal out of it and winding yourself up at this point may do more harm than good.
If it is all innocent you are putting a lot of strain on your relationship. Id personally just drop it for the time being but keep an eye out for other signs that there is something going on.
Im dubious because from personal experience my own mother was massively jealous of my dads secretaries and they were always arguing about it. It was so pointless because there wasnt any evidence he was cheating it was just that occassionally theyd be young pretty women and it would drive my mum loops. I got so sick of hearing them argue.
Theyve been together over 20years now and as far as a i know there was never any real evidence he cheated (and personally i dont see how he ever would have) Sometime you need to think about whether its insecurity or well founded suspicion. In your case its unclear. It is possible that due to your first reaction to her he would keep them working together a secret just so he didnt have to face your reaction. Its also possible hes wanting to have an affair. But theres just not enough info either way so i wouldnt go in guns blazing because you might destroy your marriage over nothing.
Id deffo keep a close eye on the situation though, in a more subtle manner.

PaterPower Wed 08-Feb-17 18:17:08

Certainly sounds like he's got a crush, at a minimum. If her CV doesn't back up his excitement about her, he took her on despite obvious red flags and he then chose not to talk to you about this one on one project... I'd be bloody suspicious too.

Is there anyone at the firm you're friendly enough with who can give you some background / up to date info on what's going on internally?

FritzDonovan Thu 09-Feb-17 08:52:37

If there was nothing to hide he wouldn't mind showing you, so that he could prove you were being irrational and prove his point. He won't show you because there's something he doesn't want you to see. That's what it boils down to.

IneedmoreLemonPledge Thu 09-Feb-17 09:45:59

He says he lied because he thinks I would get irrationally jealous.

He says I need to see a therapist and that I have mental health issues.

Your first paragraph was rational and descriptive. In comparison with previous applicants red flags he overlooked the faults on this individual. You worked in a similar industry so you have an idea of potential employees. He knows you know what you are talking about, so when you brought up these facts he put you down in a way that made you question yourself, your rationality and your mental health.

This really sounds like gaslighting. Putting the onus and focus on you having a problem. It then detracts from the issue.

Only you know if he's over enthusing about this employee. He's definitely acting differently about her to you, and that's given you thought on the situation. You have the right to question that if you feel it will affect you.

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