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Husband hates the idea of me studying/working

(188 Posts)
MissesBloom Wed 08-Feb-17 14:14:18

Not really a case for AIBU but I cant find a section for relationships...

Basically I am currently a sahp and am starting to think about ways I can get back into work. I'm in a very lucky position that I dont need to work, and probably never will due to my husband having a very well paid job running a company that he thinks he wants to buy within the next few years.

My issue is that whilst I love being a sahm, I had planned (and discussed at length with dh) to eventually (once my youngest is old enough for school or nursery) to try and find some sort of work so that I'd have my own income.

Current set up is husband works ft and has wages paid in. I pay some bills (I took over the bills as dh kept missing payments and got us in a right state), so I have to ask him for the bill money. I dont have any of my own funds, if I want something i have to ask him first, sometimes he complains which boils my piss as he spends whatever he wants whenever he wants and I NEVER spend money on myself (just items that the kids need, clothes etc). If I ever get money from selling something for instance, I make sure it goes into a savings account instantly and I deliberately dont tell him because he will end up wanting it for something and if I refuse to hand over the savings he gets annoyed and it ends in an argument.

I had planned to study for a degree with the NCT which will take me 3 years in total on a part time basis. DH seemed all for it when I started explaining it all last year, but as usual now I am thinking about applying he is saying its ridiculous that I want to work when I dont need to.

I tried to explain to him that I feel like I need something other than cleaning our home and taking care of the children and there is also a social aspect to it too. He now thinks I'm selfish for 'following my dreams' in his words when he says he cant just go and do whatever it is he wants to do. I dont really know what to do now?

I understand that I dont really NEED to work, and this is a lucky position to be in, but I'm starting to feel like I just mean f* all to him. In all other aspects he's a fantastic guy, goes to work every day and at times 7 days a week, he supports me through severe anxiety that I suffer with, happy to cook to help out if Im shattered, spoils me rotten on xmas and birthdays, fantastic Dad to my kids, he just makes me feel worthless when it comes to money. Sorry this is a bit of a first world problem


Stripyhoglets Wed 08-Feb-17 14:18:00

No its not and I bet your anxiety improves once you have some independence from him as well. You can study and work if it's what you want to do, and I'd advise you do with his sniffy attitude to giving you money to pay bills sometimes

Msqueen33 Wed 08-Feb-17 14:20:35

Erm sounds like he's financially controlling. Even if you don't need to work why shouldn't you? We all need to do something with our lives or does he expect you to be his cook and cleaner? Self growth is important. I would be very concerned about having to ask for money.

GallivantingWildebeest Wed 08-Feb-17 14:21:15

I have to ask him for the bill money. I dont have any of my own funds, if I want something i have to ask him first ... he spends whatever he wants whenever he wants and I NEVER spend money on myself ... and if I refuse to hand over the savings he gets annoyed and it ends in an argument.

OP, he is financially abusive. I wonder if he is contributing to your anxiety? Is he controlling in other ways too? Is he happy for you to go out with friends and so on?

TurnipCake Wed 08-Feb-17 14:24:05

I'd have severe anxiety too if I was living with someone financially controlling.

He sees this as you becoming independent, and that threatens him.

sillygoof Wed 08-Feb-17 14:24:50

You're not being unreasonable at all - some independence in any relationship is always a good thing. And in the long term, you'll have a career when the kids are grown up. I agree with Stripy above - it will be great for your confidence and help your anxiety too.

It's not good that he makes you ask for money. Could you not have a joint account for the bills/day to day spending? I'm sure you've thought of that already.

But.... does your other half have a wider issue? He's got a well paid job but does he hate it? It doesn't sound like he's happy. If he feels like you're 'following your dreams' does he have a dream he's given up on? And 7 days a week is a lot of work. (He obviously doesn't realise how hard it is looking after kids and a house!). I'm not really excusing his behaviour, which sounds pretty bad to be honest, just that if you can find a reason for it you might be able to fix it.

PleasantPhesant Wed 08-Feb-17 14:24:55

Whichever way you look at it you shouldn't have to ask for money. I'm a studying sahm and I have a card for our joint account. I would never ask to spend/have money.

He will be a bit pissy about you not being there at home to cook, take care of the dc, clean-just general be there. I think most men like the idea of having a wife/partner at home.

Go and study. Go to work. There is a whole life for you outside those four walls. You are not just a Mum or a wife. You are a person who deserves to live and have a life outside of the home.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 08-Feb-17 14:24:59

and this is a lucky position to be in
No it really isn't.
Being financially abused is NOT lucky at all.
This is family money.
Not just his money.

You are more than entitled to study and work.
You NEED to study and work or you will send yourself insane with the boredom that your life probably is and will become!

You get one shot at this life.
So you do what ever you want with it.

Sorry but you DH is abusive.
Please talk to Womens Aid and understand the problems here and get some local support to help you through it.

You would probably be far better off financially if you left this abuser.
Sorry, but you really would.
You should have equal access to money.
You should both have and equal amount of 'pin' money every month.
No ifs or buts.
This is NOT HIS money.
It is FAMILY money.

Get some advice, this is no way to live and I certainly do NOT consider you lucky!

DJBaggySmalls Wed 08-Feb-17 14:26:28

YANBU, this is a case for AIBU, and you need to live like an adult. Adults need meaningful, satisfying activity.
He should be paying bills and food money into an account each month. You need an income and pension fund.
Good luck.

ExplodedCloud Wed 08-Feb-17 14:27:42

Once you're reduced to secretly squirrelling away dribs and drabs of money from a high earning spouse then you know you've got a problem.
He wants to keep you home and helpless to serve him.

MissesBloom Wed 08-Feb-17 14:29:14

He definitely is financially controlling, and I tell him he is controlling to make sure he knows that I recognise it.

I just feel powerless because he makes me feel like I bring nothing to the table. He's not controlling about me going out, I couldn't accept it if he was. I don't go out often with friends (which is a choice of my own - I dont like leaving the kids), when I do he does tend to call me every hour!! But I just tell him to get on with it like I do every day.

I need to work so that I have something that he cant lay claim to. I dont think he realises how much childcare costs these days either - it would be costing him a small fortune. This is the problem also - he sees our money as 'his' money and tells me all the time...."oh your spending my money again" in a jokey way but clearly means it

BitchQueen90 Wed 08-Feb-17 14:29:15

This is financial abuse. And the fact that he is getting funny about you wanting to work or study is a massive red flag.

He wants to control you. His way of controlling you is with money. He doesn't want you to have financial independence.

Sung Wed 08-Feb-17 14:29:20


Sounds quite controlling. If he doesn't want you to work then you should have completely shared access to the families finances.

Work can be very life enhancing and peoples need to work goes far beyond finances. Look at how many people talk on demanding stressful roles when they are independently wealthy.

Your husband can clearly cover all the bills and day-to-day expenses of your family but doesn't sound like you are so flush with cash that there is truly absolutely no financial need for you to work. Do you still have a mortgage? Does he have a pension pot that will comfortably support you both when he retires? Will you be able to provide your children with a good house deposit and a debt free start to working life?

If you had agreed to, and enjoy, being a SAHP whilst your DC are young then I can understand why he would want you to continue that for another few years - but not under these circumstances (making you ask for money). I would be very concerned if he didn't want you to work/study ever though!

TwoTicketsToTeesside Wed 08-Feb-17 14:29:30

I agree with the other posts, he's financially abusive. He doesn't want you to have the independence a qualification and your own income will bring.

If there's no way to change this situation I think you'll have to leave.

(You can report the thread and ask for it to be moved to "relationships")

THirdEeye Wed 08-Feb-17 14:29:31

Up until recently I was a semi SAHP. DH, would transfer funds each month into my account and never complained if l needed more etc. What you have explained in your OP, is not normal. He financially abusive, which he could get prosecuted for.

Also, report this thread OP and ask that it be moved onto the relationship board.

Dashper Wed 08-Feb-17 14:30:13

OP there are different types of "need". Like you, I don't need to go back to work for financial reasons BUT I do need to go back for my mental health. You sound the same. Do what you need to do for yourself.

RhodaBorrocks Wed 08-Feb-17 14:31:07

So basically he looks like Mr Wonderful from the outside and everyone says how lucky you are, meanwhile he doesn't want you to have any independence from him, right down to not wanting you to have any money of your own?



TurnipCake Wed 08-Feb-17 14:34:11

I just feel powerless because he makes me feel like I bring nothing to the table

Except you bring loads. You bring up children, run a household, want to further your learning, and doing all of this whilst living with this fucker.

Justanothernameonthepage Wed 08-Feb-17 14:34:14

Screaming red flags here. What does he say when you explain you need to work for both your mental health, and have access to money in order to not feel as though you are unpaid and unappreciated. There should be a joint account that you both have access to and if you're in the UK, what he's doing is illegal.

SallyGinnamon Wed 08-Feb-17 14:34:41

First things first is that you need a joint account. He pays his salary in and then you both get a bit into separate accounts for personal bits. You're a team; he is able to focus on work because you run the rest of his life.

Msqueen33 Wed 08-Feb-17 14:34:58

He's controlling. When someone says something nasty in a jokey way it's still nasty. You're meant to be a partnership. It doesn't Seem like that.

TurnipCake Wed 08-Feb-17 14:37:31

My ex would constantly refer to be 'spending his money' if we didn't split the bill out at dinner etc. We both worked the same job hmm

grobagsforever Wed 08-Feb-17 14:37:40

He calls you every hour? Your problems extend beyond financial abuse. You need to demand full access to all money today, on pain of divorce.

MissesBloom Wed 08-Feb-17 14:39:17

I know he is controlling, I just cant get him to realise it. He thinks its perfectly reasonable behaviour.

He wont allow us to have a joint account, which I kicked off about royally. I said he either has a joint account with me or gives me access to his bank account so I can check his outgoings. The reason for this is because he fritters money and one month last year (after a very tight spell with money) I found out he had spent £80 gambling, in the same week we barely had money for food!! I was LIVID and said I wanted access after that.

We are honestly happy in general, my anxiety is health related, and he supports me every step of the way with it. Before the kids he worked while I was too ill to, I suffered with agrophobia amongst other things and he never complained. Its just this attitude I cant stand!

SallyGinnamon Wed 08-Feb-17 14:39:39

Oops, hit post not enter!

Once DC are at school you will have more time during the day - so do your training. The only issue is when one of the DC are ill - you'll be expected to be the one not going to work because your hourly rate is so much less.

I was in that situation and didn't mind because if I lost my job it would be annoying, if he lost his we'd be sunk.

But I, like you, needed to do something. If I didn't need the money I'd volunteer as something close to my heart.

But for you, you do need to tackle this money thing. You're getting the worst of both worlds at the moment.

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