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I feel trapped in this friendship

(4 Posts)
Orangecake123 Wed 08-Feb-17 13:46:42

I am currently studying in Europe for my second degree. I originally met this girl A who was also assigned to my group, so I would have classes with her. She is a very smart girl- but she started missing classes and later dropped out.

I saw her sat on a bench outside the university, and I noticed scars all over her arm, and I offered to listen if she needed to talk. She has also been diagnosed with having borderline personality disorder.

I'd get occasional messages from her and would agree to meet up with her even now and then, when she needed to talk. She repeated the year again but just before final exams she dropped out for the second time. She stopped taking her medication, stopped therapy as well and literally disintegrated. It took her months to recover and get back to a relatively stable position. Things were working out for her, she had found a new job, but 2 weeks ago she was fired, when she repeatedly would not show up to work without even letting her employer know.

My second year of studying took alot out of me. I had a breakdown and I was suicidal in Septemeber and really struggle with my own mental health, but I sought help and I'm trying to recover. From just before Christmas she started messaging me more. I'd let her come over to talk, even if i didn't feel like it- because I knew she was just lonely as well. I know it's my fault, but I just wanted to help her and I felt sorry for her.

I know she is mentally ill but I feel so tired and emotionally drained by her and I really can't cope with her anymore. She is a nice girl, but she has very intense emotions and will plunge to deep dark suicidal depressions. What frustrates me is the fact that she says she wants to change, but won't actually do anything to help herself. We sat and searched for therapists, but her own landlord is actually also a psychotherapist- so she could ask for a referral if she really wanted to. She is become much more unstable again and has gone back to using and injecting drugs. She cried to me that she had no money, whilst I didn't mind buying her food for a week. I was irritated to find about the drug abuse. Yesterday she sent me frantic messaged begging me to come around. I went yesterday but what bugged me was also the fact the she had invited someone else who had come to give her even more drugs to calm her down.

It may seem horrible of me- but I don't want to deliberately place myself in that sort of environment and hang around with her friends who are bad influences on her. I feel bad for being selfish, but if I want to recover and dealing with my own emotions is hard enough. I started taking longer to reply to her messages over hours instead of replying withing minutes like I used to and I'm trying to say no more often to meeting up but I feel bad, because she doesn't have any other friends and I feel so trapped. I help her because it's the right thing to do, but she is clinging on too tightly.

Maudlinmaud Wed 08-Feb-17 13:51:22

You have been supportive and have gone out of your way to do so.
Now you need to focus on yourself and your own recovery. Distance yourself.

Vagabond Wed 08-Feb-17 13:53:14

You need to think about YOU. If this was a boyfriend, you'd break up with him.

I think you need to consider the fact that she is so selfish to use you, she probably has very thick skin when it comes to just taking and taking from you.

I know it's hard, but rather than "ghost" her, tell her that you're going through some bad stuff personally and that you need to take a break from social life for a while and that you'll reconnect when you feel more able to cope with other people. Nobody could blame you for that and it sends a clear message that you need to concentrate on you. Good luck! It's going to be hard, but believe me, people like that will bleed you dry. Be brave and cut it off in a nice, but firm message.

ImperialBlether Wed 08-Feb-17 14:06:02

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was using drugs like that. You are a friend to her, but she's not a friend to you.

Distance yourself from her and try to surround yourself with people who are good to you and good for you.

I hope you feel better soon - it sounds as though you've had a really tough time.

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