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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

OLD: the single mum revelation

26 replies

Mumandsome78 · 08/02/2017 07:55

I'm due a second date with someone I met online and I really like the person. I am a single mum and choose not to reveal that in my profile, although I recognise that's controversial. I do it mainly as I live in a country where that status is not as accepted as other parts of the world, and additionally, yes, part of me wants to protect the privacy of my son. I feel a strong urge and desire to share my situation with this person and do so before a second meet as I feel they need to be given the right to chew over the info in their own space and potentially back out if it's not for them. Can anyone suggest an upbeat, non apologetic way of doing this which also acknowledges that I know it's not ideal i didn't bring this to the table a bit earlier. (we have only been in touch a week so i am probably being a bit harsh on myself)

Thanks so much - I am a terrible overthinker and wordy message writer and feel that being succinct and a little humourous might pay dividends here. All advice heartily welcomed.

OP posts:

Report

HelenDenver · 08/02/2017 07:59

I wouldn't, personally.

It's a second date, not an arranged marriage. Mention it at the date - something about being back for the babysitter, say

ShatnersWig · 08/02/2017 08:10

Sorry, I disagree with Helen. If you feel unable to put this on your profile for whatever reason, then I do feel you should mention it before the second date. I think it's unfair to go beyond the first date without mentioning it. This guy may, for perfectly acceptable reasons, not want to date a single mother and I don't think it's fair to waste someone's time. I would say the same if this was a man not disclosing he was a single father.

Cricrichan · 08/02/2017 08:12

I agree with shatner. I'd also put it on my information as it's a major part of your life and the most important part for you.

DJKKSlider · 08/02/2017 08:16

If your date was married, wouldnt you want to know?
Press ting yourself as one thing, when really you're the other, isn't really fair in my opinion. Whether its being a mum, the job you do, marital status, car you drive etc

HelenDenver · 08/02/2017 08:24

If your date was married, they wouldn't be free for a relationship with you. Different situation.

Kittencatkins123 · 08/02/2017 08:28

Once, feeling insecure about my age, I changed it on a dating profile to be younger. Met a guy and because I'm a terrible liar, blurted out my real age (only a few years older but still!) and honestly that was that!

I came off the site for a while, then signed up with my real age and met a lovely guy (who didn't give a shit that I was a few years older) and I didn't have to worry about 'revealing' anything!

If you don't want to put it on your profile, fair enough, but I would let the guy know by text ideally before the first date. Anyone scared off at that stage is going to be scared off eventually so you might as well weed them out upfront.

ShatnersWig · 08/02/2017 08:28

Helen Wouldn't necessarily stop them going online and "dating" though, would it? The point is it's wrong to paint yourself as someone you aren't. IF both parties are only looking for something very casual, then it is perhaps less of an issue. But if either or both are looking for a relationship, then it's unfair to keep something this major beyond a first date. If I was a bloke who'd paid for a couple of dates (as I suspect this chap will have done, if in this country there is stigma to being a single mother) and then learned this, I'd be well pissed off.

Roygrace · 08/02/2017 08:30

Where on earth do you live where it's not really accepted?

OutsSelf · 08/02/2017 08:32

N effing way would I disclose having children on Old site. Also think the safeguarding of children is about a billion times more important than potentially 'wasting someone's time'. Jesus, who the fuck are these people that have no time for interaction with people they can not have long term sexual relationships, anyway?

Think I'd wait til the 'shall we pursue this beyond shagging'? moment, and I' d be happy to explain that revealing online that you are a LP with children at home is a safeguarding issue. Anyone worth their salt will be fine with this, even if they don't want to have a long term relationship with you on that basis. And then you can decide together if you want to go on with the shagging bit or not.

Isadora2007 · 08/02/2017 08:33

I would message him before the date to tell him.
I would apologise for not mentioning it before, but explain you didn't want to put it on your profile. Though am not sure why you wouldn't mention it on the date... it's kind of a big deal. Far more so than man being a dad unless his kids live with him full time.

JeffJarrett · 08/02/2017 08:33

It isn't the same as being married, but he may not want children at all. Why waste your time and his, and possibly getting emotions involved if it won't go anywhere? It isn't fair to either of you to be honest.

Definitely agree you must tell him before the next date, just send a text to the effect that you don't want to mislead him, but you didn't feel comfortable putting it in your profile.

When I was OLD I simply mentioned in my profile I had a son and his age, and that I was free to date on x days. Didn't go into any further details than that as I didn't need to and the only man that met my DS or even saw pictures of him was DP, after we'd been dating 4 months.

If this doesn't work out for you (I hope it does though!) then I would give serious thought into just mentioning it briefly in your profile. It just avoids this kind of situation reoccurring and the awkward ensuing conversation.

Aussiemum78 · 08/02/2017 08:35

Depends on your age. It's almost a given for me that people over 30 are likely to be parents. Or divorced.

Maybe a little trickier if you are a younger Mum, dating younger guys.

HelenDenver · 08/02/2017 08:38

It's a second date!

Sure, mention it before the tenth date, but there are no emotions being played with here.

If it's about the money (da fuck???) then op can ensure she pays this date if he paid last.

There are all kinds of things that would put me off a person that wouldn't be in his profile. He might have voted UKIP, or think Ched Evans is a good bloke, or whatever.

"Far more so than man being a dad unless his kids live with him full time."

Thank you, patriarchy.

Sorry, OP, good luck, but I'm out.

ShatnersWig · 08/02/2017 08:40

Aussiemum Why? I'm 42 and have no children. I have lots of really good friends, some married, some single, in their early-30s to early-40s. Half of them don't have children. For some, that's the way it's panned out, for others it's been their choice and for the latter it might be a dealbreaker that they want to date someone who doesn't already have or isn't going to want children.

Kittencatkins123 · 08/02/2017 08:57

With this guy, I wouldn't be overwrought just say - 'I didn't mention this before as I wasn't sure we would meet up again - but I have a child. No worries if that affects things'

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/02/2017 09:18

I also wouldn't put it on my profile.

From my OLD days - there are men who specifically target single mums, for whatever reasons - thinking they will accept any crap because they will be grateful, not just because they 'like' children and want access to them...

So I always kept it quiet and slowly dripped it into conversation. Any man who really likes you will accept it. If he doesn't, then he's not the man for you. And I really do think that it can open you to a whole world of very strange men if you put it on your profile...(voice of experience).

Notagain2017 · 08/02/2017 09:23

I wouldn't put it on my profile although a lot of people male and female do. I'm surprised it didn't come up on your first date. Your everyday life involves your child. I don't see how you could leave it out. Presumably you don't know if he has children? Why don't you ask in a by the way type of question and mention your child too but don't make a big deal of it.

ravenmum · 08/02/2017 09:54

Two of the men I've dated have had under-tens, despite being 45/55 years old. I can't remember either of them saying it before the first date, but it came up naturally during the date. If it had come up later I might have wondered why they didn't say anything before and what else they were hiding. So for me it would be important to mention why you didn't say anything, e.g. "Just taking my son to school (Sorry, was a bit worried about mentioning my young son on the first date. Hope that isn't a problem for you.)."

Tbh you don't know if having a child might even be a point in your favour, e.g. if he doesn't want children himself and knows that you've already got one so might be happy not having another.

LesisMiserable · 08/02/2017 17:43

I didnt mention I had a child on my first or second date with DP as I felt it was really not his business unless were we going to become an item. However on our third date he said he was glad neither of us had children in a way as it meant that we could focus on ourselves more...at that point I told him I had a 12 year old daughter. But I have to say, I think he only said it to lightheartedly get me to 'confess' as to be fair he had quite clearly already seen my ceasarean mark on date one ahem anyway we are two.and half years on now and he's an amazing part of our little family .

Squirmy65ghyg · 08/02/2017 19:11

I put that I am a LP in my profile.

Blocked/deleted/didn't meet up with anyone who had even a hint of twattery about them. Standards people!

Met lovely DP who is wonderful

ladylambkin · 08/02/2017 20:30

I wouldn't put on my profile either and shudder at the amount of people who put photos of their kids on dating sites.

Surely it would have came up in your initial chats? I know it's one of the first things I ask about.

Good luck finding what you are looking for op

niceupthedance · 08/02/2017 20:45

I used to drop the b word (babysitter) in texts arranging a date so it was easy for them to back out if that's not what they wanted.

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Ellisandra · 08/02/2017 21:39

You're right not to apologise!

I would say "I leave this off my profile for obvious safety reasons - and just let people know if we're interested in a second meet up. I have one primary aged child who is with me weekdays except Wed and EOW. And I have a great babysitter "

SherlockStones · 08/02/2017 22:02

If you're happy with not telling then don't get funny if he chooses he doesn't wish to pursue anything further with you after it comes out.

It's only fair.

cgne · 10/02/2017 16:11

i would mention it before the first date personally. how do you even get though a first date without mentioning your son?!

it's a bit like being a shorty, fatty, whatever... a lot of people don't care at all, but weed out those that do before you invest anything, for your sake and theirs.

Flip

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