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counselling after unwanted separation/divorce - does it help?

(7 Posts)
gettinghelp Wed 08-Feb-17 07:40:15

I am about 7 months in from my husband leaving me (10 year relationship). Things had been rocky for a bit but nothing unsurmountable. In the end he had an emotional affair which I discovered. He blames me for it. I am still struggling to let go. I am a lot further than I was 5 months ago but nowhere near where I feel I should be. I walk around with constant nervousness in my stomach and find it hard to not analyse in my head, play through scenarios etc. I only have few friends and no family in this country. I can't avoid him as we still live close to each other and share certain interests that bring us together every now and again. It doesn't help that when he sees me, he is very friendly, tries to hug me etc. I try to stay away from him.

I really feel talking therapy could help me to give me that space to explore and hopefully get over things. Has anymore done it? What can I expect? I never had counselling before.

Please share you experience.

gettinghelp Wed 08-Feb-17 11:27:34

Bumpy bump.

pinkunicornsarefluffy Wed 08-Feb-17 11:32:22

My XH left out of the blue after an emotional affair. I was in a really bad way for a long time.

I had a lot of counselling and it does help, if you get the right counsellor. The first one I had didn't really help me to move on but the second one did. I also had CBT which helped as they recommended practicing Mindfulness, which really does help.

My XH also wanted to be friends, he couldn't understand the grief and trauma that I was going through. I couldn't even speak to him and him and OW branded me pathetic and various other things. I was just extremely upset and couldn't deal with him. He never understood the level of pain that he caused me.

So I would say yes, have some counselling, and have a look at mindfulness, there are some good books out there, or info on the internet. I found pyschotherapy very good where she helped me to see things in a different way.

gettinghelp Wed 08-Feb-17 17:37:59

Thank you, pink, this is encouraging. To be honest, I don't understand the different between psychotherapy, CBT and counselling; they all seem so similar. Have found a counsellor in my area who has experience with separation and divorce counselling. She also has CBT experience. Will give her a ring I think.

I just want to get better sad

PaterPower Wed 08-Feb-17 18:02:30

Been there with exW having an emotional (yeah, and the rest) affair followed by her telling me and then ending the marriage.

I had a couple of counselling sessions at which I proceeded to blub uncontrollably (first time I'd cried as an adult since my dc were born) for the hour. I didn't do any more after the second, so I can't really comment on their efficacy. I had friends to slag her off talk to, which I found more helpful. I also had the dc to be able to focus on.

Even with all that, it was many months (almost the full year) before I stopped churning it over and over in my head. I think the majority of people need a fair bit of time to be able to process and move on from the end of an LTR / marriage, whatever the reason for it ending.

He was a real prick to blame you for his being a cheating pillock emotional affair.

Pixieb34 Wed 08-Feb-17 18:03:17

I had counselling recently after my exP left me. We'd had problems but like you said, nothing I didn't think was insurmountable. He just walked out and cut me off. I found this was practically impossible to process...I loved him with every thing I had, and right up to walking out the door he said he loved me. I was a mess.
I sought a counsellor to help me to process. She was recommended by a friend of a friend. At first I found it difficult to let my guard down but at the third session she got through and I just let it all out. After that we talked a lot. I thought I would have to have sessions forever as I felt so bad. But, I had about 8 sessions altogether. I didn't find it a cure all, but it was a release. I could say whatever I wanted (things I found hard to say to family and friends). She did help me to understand his motives to an extent, but neither me or anyone but him will know why and I accept that now.
More importantly she helped me to think about me, and that is what I found most helpful.
I know I can contact her if I need to (it's been a month since my last session) and I will if needed, and I find that comforting.
I hope you start to feel better...I know it feels like you never will, but you can get there. And support from a counsellor may help you to.
Pixie xx

gettinghelp Wed 08-Feb-17 22:29:28

Thank you, pater and pixie.I think I will give it a try.

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