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DH's inappropriate texting. What do you think?

(183 Posts)
Somethinglady9 Tue 07-Feb-17 23:23:29

DH and I used to live in Paris and we own a flat in Paris and we have tenants - a young woman who is probably late twenties and her boyfriend. (I am early 30s and DH is 40.)

DH went on business to Paris last week. He checked on our flat, checked the tenants were happy, organised some repairs and went to his business meetings. We have had these tenants for five years and DH had always dealt with them, so he has the relationship with them.

He got back tonight and as soon as he came through the door said he wanted me to read a wats app conversation he'd had with the female tenant so that he and I had "no secrets." Turns out the female tenant's boyfriend was away the whole time he was there, so they had, had a couple of drinks together.

So the wats app conversation was a follow on from their drink. Apparently she was having problems with her boyfriend and had confided in him about it. He had told her that he was missing us (me and the DC) so it was a sort of mutual drowning of sorrows and a follow up to their chat.

Then there was another meeting organised with her, DH and mine and DH's good friend who visited him there for a few days. So there was the organising of that drink, times, places, literally a blow by blow of the minutae of what they are doing. "Getting dressed now," "on my way," "just leaving the gym have to have a shower." Hardly formal tenant/landlord conversation but not inappropriate. Then presumably they have the drink with mine and DH's mutual friend.

Then later that night she wats apps again"are you up?" Etc "it was good to talk to you about my problems." Anyway this turns into a full on counselling session where DH is telling her she's young and good looking and could meet someone better. This is arguably, also interspersed with him sending her pics of our DC and saying how much he loves his family.

Then it gets to a point where she says "just come over. I've got booze and cocaine." From what I can see DH turns her down - "I'm too tired, sorry. Besides I think if you want to save your relationship it's probably not the best idea for you to be inviting men over like that." Then from the looks of things she's called him crying and they've had a phone chat with her begging him to come over.

Then back to wats apps - and this is the bit I'm having trouble with - he says "drink some water, go to bed, touch yourself if you can't sleep! Goodnight xxx"

Then even later that night (early hours of the morning) she sends a picture of her cat, Which DH responds to (apparently he LOVED her cat when he visited her flat, to be fair, DH loves cats,) the chat continues all night until the morning and they are sending each other pictures of what they are eating for breakfast, the places they are going, what they are thinking (now unrelated to relationships just general "banter.")

And it ends today before he got on the flight.

I said, obviously this is inappropriate. I'm not going to leave you over it but it's inappropriate and you have to acknowledge how it is inappropriate and then we can move on. He also can't explain why he told her to touch herself. He says it was just a joke.

He is now annoyed with me for not having the reaction he expected. He said he thought I would find it funny (?!) and he is sulking and saying he wishes he had deleted it and not been so honest.

DH has a very low guilt threshold so I know he showed it to me out of guilt despite what he says. But now I am feeling a bit confused and conflicted. DH wants to forget about it as quickly as possible (of course.)

What do you think I should do from here?

Mrskeats Tue 07-Feb-17 23:29:27

So inappropriate. I would be livid. How can he possibly think this was ok??
'come over I have booze and cocaine' well we all know what else was on offer there don't we?
He's showed you in case the tenant gets in touch or her partner
The touch yourself comment is dreadful
Has he form for inappropriate behaviour?

HelenDenver Tue 07-Feb-17 23:31:43

Yes, that's inappropriate. And he knows it.

He's sulking because he didn't get cookies for being honest.

Coffeegrain Tue 07-Feb-17 23:34:14

I think something has happened between them. Sorry OP. The touch yourself comment is too familiar

HappyGoLuckyGirl Tue 07-Feb-17 23:36:05

Yes, inappropriate.

But he rejected her offer of going over for booze, cocaine and sex. And then told you about it.

Sounds like he knows he was inappropriate and did the adult thing and told you about it.

HelenDenver Tue 07-Feb-17 23:36:57


He still told her to touch herself and carried on messaging!

Sciurus83 Tue 07-Feb-17 23:42:31

Oh god so inappropriate. That got way out of hand and he should have cut it off as soon as she asked him over. Also the response to is not "I'm tired", it's "I am married, your landlord and this conversation is ending". He knows he was out of line, he showed you it to assuage his guilt and now you have refused he is trying to force you into it by sulking. Not cool.

Somethinglady9 Tue 07-Feb-17 23:44:49

What do I do next?

HappyGoLuckyGirl Tue 07-Feb-17 23:47:43

What do you want to do?

Is this a dealbreaker for you? Do you want him to talk it through or just apologise? You need to have a clear indication of what you actually want to happen before speaking to him again, as he will continue to make you feel guilty, etc.

Somethinglady9 Tue 07-Feb-17 23:48:41

I want him to admit that it was wrong. Him being defensive only makes me suspect there was more to it.

He is also trying to stop me from having any time alone because he knows I will reflect on it.

kittybiscuits Tue 07-Feb-17 23:53:30

I think he was highly inappropriate and came very close to and wanted to cheat. He feels guilty and hit upon absolving himself of guilt and responsibility by showing you the chat. I'd also wonder if they had sex at some point. I would be done with him. What do you want to do?

FritzDonovan Tue 07-Feb-17 23:53:51

Also agree, inappropriate. But in his eyes he has done no wrong, as he didn't take her up on her offer and told you. Sounds like you need a full on convo about what is appropriate in your relationship and what isn't. In my (limited) experience if you haven't specifically mentioned something they think nothing of it. I don't think we realise how different our expectations of boundaries are in our relationship until something like this comes up.

kittybiscuits Tue 07-Feb-17 23:55:01

Then take the time you need to reflect as a first step. He's trying to rush this through and next he'll be moaning that you're still banging on about it. That's guilty behaviour.

GwenStaceyRocks Tue 07-Feb-17 23:55:41

The problem isn't that he was 'so honest' but that he was so inappropriate. Tbh I would ask him to stay in a hotel for a few days so you can have space to think about what happened. He's minimising and deflecting. He needs to see how seriously inappropriate it was.

FritzDonovan Tue 07-Feb-17 23:56:18

Oh, and he doesn't think it was wrong. You won't be able to change his mind. He will just tell you what he thinks you want to hear, but his core beliefs will no doubt remain the same. Sorry, speaking from experience.

Hidingtonothing Wed 08-Feb-17 00:01:37

Yep, he's trying to control your response to assuage his own guilt, he basically wants you to 'OK' his behaviour to rid him of the uncomfortable guilty feeling he's currently carting around. I would call him out on it, try saying 'stop trying to get me to say what you've done is ok so you can stop feeling shitty about it. It wasn't ok, you know it wasn't ok and I'm not going to say it was ok to make you feel better. Now what are you going to do to a) restore my trust in you and b) make sure nothing like this ever happens again? Then say nothing at all, let him fill the silence, he may well rant and rave a bit but if you refuse to argue back he's going to have to deal with what he's done and start talking to you with some degree of honesty.

FineLookingHighHorse Wed 08-Feb-17 00:01:46

Contacty your mutual friend.

Were they inappropriately close when he saw them together?
Would he tell you if they were?

Attractive young women dont usually fling themselves at older men without some sort of encouragement to do so imo.

Something has gone on here. Probably not sex though.

Only1scoop Wed 08-Feb-17 00:05:10

The 'touch yourself' shows what kind of conversations they've shared.

HannahBanana3 Wed 08-Feb-17 00:06:24

Honesty is good, of course! but he telling her to touch herself is a bit odd =S I would have been a bit pissed on the inside but act normal and follow his "funny" ways for him to show you the next conversations (that might happen). So, just stay cool and then, depending on what his follow up is with her, take action and make him see he is acting weird.

SandyY2K Wed 08-Feb-17 00:06:57

He is also trying to stop me from having any time alone because he knows I will reflect on it.

Go and run yourself a hot bath to soak in and lock the door.

It's extremely inappropriate and striking up that familiarity just on this one trip seems a bit strange to me.

That she was so comfortable to ask him to come over for booze, indicates a line was crossed from landlord to tenant much before she called him.

I'd only expect to be told to touch myself by someone I was in a romantic or sexual relationship with.

How would he react if you told a man to stroke himself and go to sleep.?Would he think it was a joke?

Justaboy Wed 08-Feb-17 00:11:59

I wonder if some of that texting might have been not related to what actually happened;?.

Still we're out of Europe 'ere long so not likely to happen again is it;?

HashiAsLarry Wed 08-Feb-17 00:12:47

I suspect your DH has gone too flirty with her possibly snogged and is now worried. The problem is he now looks guilty whatever has happened. If he'd stayed quiet he would have looked more guilty. Contact the mutual friend and ask their impressions of her, not whether DH is guilty or not. You'll learn a lot more from what they say and don't say.

SparklyMagpie Wed 08-Feb-17 00:15:52

Tbh I couldn't put up with that, and the "touch yourself" comment is disgusting. I agree with the PP who made the point of him saying he was tired when knocking her back wasn't the reply he should have sent.

You know what's your Deal breaker, but no I don't believe for a second that nothing else had gone on

HarmlessChap Wed 08-Feb-17 00:19:34

The "touch yourself" comment is without doubt inappropriate, however from a male perspective I suspect it was also saying I know what's on offer but I'm not taking you up on it so you'll have to sort yourself out.

He's been put in a very awkward situation; she's playing the distresses damsel, and even turned on the water works, which coupled with being bored away from home meant he played along with it far too long when he should have cried off saying he had to get some sleep or something much sooner.

mummyto2monkeys Wed 08-Feb-17 00:28:12

I agree with the others, your h has been having a rare old time with your tenant! He was completely inappropriate to drink/ be a shoulder to cry on/ arrange a date with this woman. Are you absolutely sure that the tenant has a boyfriend? How often does your h go over for repairs/ business? I'm going to be honest and say that they sounded way too comfortable for this to have built up over a weekend. I think you need to consider whether this is an affair. To socialise with your mutual friend suggests a level of intimacy too, unfortunately the having a mistress is pretty common in France. Your h could have called the tenant to ask if everything was OK, then organised for any repairs to happen whilst he was there. Why would he meet his friend at the flat? Unless he was there shacking up with the tenant.

My guess is either friend has told him to tell you the truth or he wants to leave you so he has shown you this communication that he hopes you will throw him out for. Then he gets let off lightly and you think nothing has happened until after you chucked him out. He could be pissed at your reaction, but not because you are pissed off, maybe because it wasn't a strong enough reaction for his plans to work.

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