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Help Stuck moving on from ex

(7 Posts)
Rarerabbit Tue 07-Feb-17 21:17:11

I am really struggling with the end of my marriage. It was rocky but nothing serious just silly spats for a little while which then escalated when Ex started to see OW in Dec.

Basically OW started her campaign on ex a few months ago....He then got drunk on his works night out at start of Dec and she propositioned him. A week later she is telling everyone a married man is leaving his wife for her, the week after they go public at work and then straight after Xmas he tells me and the kids. They are living together and going to be renting in the most expensive area of town so they have enough room to have kids.
Can it all happen that fast? He is saying so and ex friends of his are saying the same too. Plus his behaviour changed overnight in Dec...He lost loads of weight, was constantly feeling sick, working late and being really distracted and not wanting to engage in Xmas festivities with our little family.

He has said it is definitely over with us, but he wants to be reasonable if I am reasonable. I have so far being totally reasonable. I haven't done anything vengeful. He thought I would and that has surprised him. I hate her (wouldn't waste energy on her) but feel he has just made a mistake and she has pounced on him and then she has exploited him. According to several sources she has done this before to a married man. She was boasting dramatically when it started to anyone who would listen. She also outed them on Facebook which resulted in him losing some friends. He swears she is a nice person and I should not believe what others are saying. He is now loved up with her. He is so stubborn I wouldn't know whether he really was or wasn't just for show.

He thought I didn't love him. I had been having some stress and personal issues recently which has made me distant. He genuinely looked sad when I told him. I was getting angry at the warning signs in Dec which compounded it further. I told him about my personal issues and that I loved him when he had left and the next time I saw him. He said if I had said something a few weeks ago it would have been different but it's too late now.

He has really changed at work, being over the top and loud (like she is) and lots of people think he is having a mid life crisis. He said to me he is 47 and there must be more to life than this. He is enjoying his childfree evenings although he does see the kids when she is working a few times a week.

It's gone mega public due to her posting all about her man on FB and where he works. Some of his friends are so disgusted they have fallen out with him, he isn't bothered, he said they aren't worth being friends.
He is fully blaming me for it, my behaviour and how difficult I was to live with. I do accept some of it, but for heaven's sake having two small kids is stressful and there are responsiblities that aren't fun and sexy.
The bedroom department had been a bit barren (twice a month) because I had some body confidence issues.

He is seeing the kids, although he has put her first a couple of times already. He is giving me some money (not enough for me to survive as I am a SAHM by agreement) but he hasn't commited to anything long term. He only packed a few things to go, I bagged up the rest and he was annoyed when I gave him the stuff as he doesn't have room until they move to their bigger house.
.He says he loves her and they get on unlike us because she likes the same music. We were married nearly 9 years and together 11.

I did offer him the olive branch in week 2 which he declined. In week 5 I said would he be ok if I divorced him and he said yes.

I know our marriage as was is over, but I don't want to give up on trying to work a way forward with him. I know I cannot get him to change his mind. I have started practical stuff like looking for work, sorting the house and trying to get the finances on an even keel.
My problem is that I still want him back and this is consuming me. I want a chance to work through this and see if there is a chance. We have two young kids.
I genuinely believe she has appealed to his ego and in a drunken moment he has weakened and then she has forced the issue. (Apparently she has previous for this sort of thing but I have no evidence she did this to my ex) Then it has all escalated in a month to him leaving. He was definitely not involved with her in November and was still commited to me. His actions back this up, their ex friends back this up and this is his story too. I definitely noticed a major overnight personality transplant.

I am trying to move on with me and the kids on my own, but don't want to. I know I have no choice. It is making me so stressed, I am not sleeping and have lost 3 stone with worry. I went to the Dr and got ADs but haven't taken them but I am booked onto counselling in March.

Am I deluding myself? I know that he is a friend man, but she is a professional man eater. I have heard this from multiple sources, from people who went to school with her to people who know her now, to people who only met her a few times. Ex has said don't believe the horrible things you hear about her, she is lovely and I will like her once I get to know her!

Do you think this is an exit affair (he said he was unhappy but I don't know whether this is genuine or re writing history) or whether it's just a whirlwind?
How can you tell the difference?

I cannot get angry with him. He has said he is sorry about the way this has happened but not that it has happened.

Do you think it is final final or is it a case of grass is greener. How do you know?

loinnir Tue 07-Feb-17 21:32:52

"I cannot get angry with him" - yes you can and you should. He has left you and your children for someone he barely knows and has put her before your DC a few times (already!). Reach deep and find that anger - stop blaming the "maneater" - it is your Husband who cheated not her, it is HIS choice to put her before his family - IT IS HIS FAULT. Get angry and fight for your DC and their future - get the finances sorted - make sure he will be paying the mortgage etc before that big house in the xepensive part of town is more important than the roof over your kids head

pocketsaviour Tue 07-Feb-17 21:37:08

He has left you. Stop worrying about her and start worrying about your legal position.
I'm sorry, I know it hurts like fuck but you have to just accept that he is with someone else

Angleshades Tue 07-Feb-17 21:39:41

Wow it sounds like a total whirlwind romance to me and I'd put money on them not being together for long, it's moving way to fast.

The problem is you're excusing his behaviour and believing that his new girlfriend is forcing him into this situation. He clearly wants to be with her too, you can't blame her for that. Let him get on with it and sit back and watch the fall out when it happens. Don't be surprised if he then comes running back to my you with his tail between his legs wanting to reconcile.

In the mean time I would suggest trying to build a life for yourself and start to detach from him in whichever way you can. You're heart broken and you need to look after yourself for your dc's sake as they are going to need you more than ever.

Hermonie2016 Tue 07-Feb-17 22:16:09

It's much to early to be recovering from this.
You must still be in shock and it is so painful but it does get easier.

He may come to his senses but it's likely to be too late and you will have moved on.

You need to prioritise yourself as being strong is all you can do for now.I'my sorry you are going through this.

Rarerabbit Tue 07-Feb-17 22:38:50

I am in a predicament with the finances and don't know what to do. I went straight to CMS , CAB and free solicitors. Not sure what my next step is or whether what he is offering is a good deal and I should snap his hand off.

He has said let's DIY divorce and has offered me a deal with the house whether I stay or go, it seems ok with the equity he wants but I wouldn't be able to get a mortgage as I am self employed and low earnings (saw a mortgage broker straight away) so I need to find a well paid job and leave it six months. I used to have a well paid job 8 years ago before having kids and becoming a work from home mum. It's just about me applying for loads of jobs and seeing what comes of them.

Our mortgage is really expensive due to us not remortgaging due to his debt management plan. (He hid his debts until after we were married and had kids and I found out by accident) realistically even with the tax credits I would be struggling to afford...Unless I get a job. I am desperately trying to find work but no luck yet but still early days.

I saw two solicitors (free consultations) One said I was screwed because of his debt and my low earnings. I really didn't like their vibe at all. The other said that we could argue he should give me the full proceeds of the house, but never mentioned spousal maintenance...But I didn't ask about thar to be fair.
I don't know what the best solution is. I know if he disagrees with what I come up with, then he will fight it and get difficult...Which I don't want for the sake of the kids.
What he is offering me may be a really generous deal. He is currently giving £100 more than the CMS recommended amount, but this is about a 1/3rd of the bills to run the house. It is an informal arrangement so he could pull the plug at any moment.

On top of that, when I claimed for single person tax credits, I find we owe £5k overpayments because he didn't/they didn't note he had started a new job. So I am going to have to arrange a payment plan back for my 50%

When I said to him about having researched the figures and he may have to give me more to keep the house (I don't really know and I cannot afford to pay a solicitor and I don't get legal aid) he hit the roof saying he had no more money to give me. He got angry and called me some very choice words. He did apologize a few days later as he was "shocked" I was asking for more. Perhaps I am being greedy, I have no idea.

I have chickened out for the last week or so taking it any further forward. I don't know what to do. I don't really want to stay but I don't want to upheave the kids and I also don't want the house repossessed because my self employment isn't mega money.
I know that getting g a job is the key to this, but it's how long that takes and all the other variables.
I know the longer I leave it the less generous it will be with his goodwill, but even DIY costs are more than my budget. Perhaps I should ask him to go halves. I just don't want to screw myself over by not doing the right thing, equally I don't want to pay out if he is offering a good deal. Indecisive I know!!!!

noego Wed 08-Feb-17 00:47:35

God, I could have written this.

Firstly do not blame yourself. This is just guilt transference on his part to hide his guilt.
Do not divorce him. If he wants a divorce let him do all the work and pay for it. So sit tight. No need to rush these things. Take your time.
Believe me you will be glad you got shut of him one day.
Mediation will be the way to go.
Make sure you get a shit hot lawyer.

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