Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Feel invisible to men(16 Posts)
I'm 24 years old with a 13 month old DD. Before I got pregnant, I could get any man I wanted and would have at least 1 man a day tell me I'm beautiful (not boasting btw).
I'm a bit chubbier than I was before, with a little pouch but not overweight. I no longer wear makeup or do my hair, let alone wear anything appealing. I've become a plain Jane and worn out what with chasing after a toddler all day and doing housework, cooking etc.
I miss adult interaction and not just friendship but having an intimate connection with a man. When I'm out and about even when not with DD men don't even glance at me. I'm feeling really down and depressed, not to mention lonely and like I'll never find a partner. Is it the way I look?. I'm a decent person, don't drink, take drugs or smoke. Always friendly with people.
Any advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation?
You don't need a mans approval. I would say try and get some social life going through coffee mornings etc with other mums or if you are a single parent like me gingerbread is a good org.
I found the younger years with my dd quite lonely actually too but as they get older and start talking you'll find them better company.
Lastly I did find making an effort (for myself) made me feel good. Do it for you and grab that self confidence and self esteem back. Sounds like you are a great mum but I know it's hard to lose your identity. I went back to work when mine was little (I had to) I found that really helped my self confidence.
If you are ready to start dating then get yourself online although brace yourself
I no longer wear makeup or do my hair, let alone wear anything appealing.
Right. So what happens when you put on makeup, wear something "appealing" and go on dating sites?
It makes me feel sad that you measure your own worth by how sexually attractive you are to men
Maybe before dd you were doing the flirting, dressing to attract attention etc.
Now as you have better things to do with your time you're just one of the crowd.
Enjoy being anonymous. Meet someone interested in you, rather than arm candy
....Oh and what AF says in spades.
It is not most women's reality to have random men telling them they are beautiful every day, unless it's those hideous comments that Neanderthals shout out to women in the street which may include the occasional "hey beautiful" but are often much more offensive.
And very few of the men I know would approach a woman they don't know with such a comment. They would feel like predators and creeps. They would tell their girlfriends that they are beautiful but not a stranger.
You need friends, not sexual chancers throwing you lines. Think about how you can make friends and build up a social circle. You are very young. You'll find a man who thinks you're beautiful, probably more than one. But wouldn't it be great if you met someone who loves your conversation and your sense of humour and your nature as well as the way you look?
I don't see her valuing her self worth by how attractive she is to men, she mentioned that she was lonely and misses adult interaction/ being intimate with a man, for me that's not self worth it's just recognising in a new "phase" where her lifestyle has changed she's got less attention from men and her new lifestyle in which she is tired, doesn't wear make up, or wear anything appealing has contributed to it. She could have self worth in many different aspects of her life.
OP is there anyway where you can perhaps interact with more adults? Say a hobby or group that you can take your DC to or whilst someone looks after her? Just so that you can get some more adult conversation at least for a starter beginning block to help you feel not so alone?
I agree with AF and teh other poster. I'm sure you're a good looking woman who scrubs up well, and you're not obligated to scrub up every day you know.......... But your value does not come from randomers telling you you're pretty.
I'm on dating sites and I have clever, funny, eccentric profiles and I get annoyed when I get messages remarking ONLY on my looks. fgs. I gave them so much to comment on.
Nothing wrong whatsoever with wanting to feel attractive, sexually or otherwise. Its how we all exist after all.
It is natural to want to be appealing to men. I believe everyone should work on their looks, and if it is something you did before having a child, you shouldn't stop it.
Also, you should work on a communication with men around you, especially if you like someone. I have recently read an article on how to make a guy fall in love with you (and it was a good one www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/how-to-make-a-guy-fall-in-love-with-you/) and it says that it is a good idea to take initiative, to be the first to call someone out.
Well OP you've said yourself you don't make an effort so what do you expect, its not rocket science. It may seem shallow to want to appeal to the opposite sex but it's not at all; women have enjoyed attention from men since the beginning of time, I'm one of those women. I'm 42 and still enjoy the same amount of attention from guys as when I was in my twenties. I get told I'm beautiful regularly and actually quite often it's not by creeps but just in passing by decent guys and sometimes by other women. It wont last forever but I'm going to enjoy it while I can. I also have a v fulfilling and challenging career, life and relationships before I come across as completely vacuous and of course life isn't all about looks!
I look after myself, make an effort, where nice clothes, eat well and exercise because its important to me to look and feel good. It doesn't matter to some people but it matters to you and to me, I guess because we've been used to getting attention, and it makes you feel good, whether that is right or wrong, that's a fact.
You have to make the effort if you want to look and feel good. Even Adriana Lima has to put some effort into her appearance !
So after giving birth to your child, do you think you can sneak some of the things you were doing before that into your schedule? Going out, socialising ... ? It could be that you see lack of time as crippling. Obviously, if you cannot go out to the world, the world is not going to pay attention to you.
While your confidence and self esteem is so tied up in how many men glance your way or pay you a compliment, then you're probably never going to attract the right kind of man as a partner anyway.
You need to work on feeling good about yourself for yourself, before you go looking for a relationship.
I have to say this post resonated a lot with my early years experience. Although I didn't get the same volume of pre-baby attention as yourself OP, it was always enough, but I could count on one hand the men who showed interest in me for the first 2.5 years of ds's life....and that's despite dressing and weighing much the same as always (after the 6-8 months which I spent looking as though i'd just been dragged backwards through a milky hedge that is). Even on the handful of times I got dressed up to go to a bar or party, the men just seemed to look through me, as though I had the words MATRON glued to my forehead, and was doomed to a lifetime of sexual invisibility.
I honestly don't know if I am in a position to offer constructive advice, as things just sortof changed overnight after a couple of years, when i suddenly started getting offers from co-workers, adult students, (hopefully) single dads in the park, random adds on facebook, a rose through the letterbox.... I hope you don't think this is a weird/personal question, but are you still breastfeeding OP? I only ask as I bf for years and I remember this sudden return to visibility happened promptly after I stopped. It was partly logistical- I was now able to go out in the evenings without having to worry about getting back for ds feed, but mostly biological/instinctual. It lowers fertility and sex drive, and I think men subconsciously picked up on this. This may not even be relevant, and even if it is, don't think for one moment i'm suggesting give up just so you get more male attention (I'm actually glad it kept my hormones at bay, as I had too much on to be dating, and my reduced libido allowed me to focus on ds and getting my job/life sorted out)
I wouldn't pay much heed to the more snarky/patronizing comments. However, if you (like myself) are quite sensitive that validation, maybe now's the time to focus on getting it from other sources...work/hobbies/studying ect. Going back to your old grooming and style habits will probably help, with your own confidence if nothing else.But don't worry, at 24, you WILL return to visibility at some stage, and it may seem all the sweeter after the break.
I am still breastfeeding and hoping to carry on until DD is 3/4. My periods have just returned though. Maybe I'm giving off a negative vibe. I'm quite tired and stressed, I never get a break.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.