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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husband seems to be unhappy with our marriage and is very negative

12 replies

Lavinia123 · 07/02/2017 15:31

Hello everybody,

I would be very grateful for your advice. I am 28, married for five years with four kids.
There are lots of things that are great about my husband and I am very happy to be with him.
Before we married my husband was discharged from his former job because of health corncern (short of hearing, struggles with crowds).
Before our first son was born my husband enjoyed playing rugby, but quit when he was born. He still works out when he has the time.

My husband is a person, who is conscious about his physical fitness so that being short of hearing is a big deal for him and he dislikes the fact he has put on weight but won't stop snacking. Instead he likes to complain about putting on weight which is annoying in a man.

Because my husband dislikes crowds we do not go out as much as we should.
He also works a lot and often has to be away on a job for several weeks in a row. When he is home the kids come first. We do not spend a lot of time together and he sometimes does isolate from me (for example by working out alone) or by drawing. He also isolates from my family members.
I am sometimes not sure if he likes me anymore. I do know there are some things about him that annoy me. For example:
*he feels sorry for himself because he is short of hearing and thinks everybody looks down on him because of this
*he believes he used to work in the best possible job with the most worthy colleagues (the one he lost because of his health) and that everything else sucks in comparison. I guess including our family
*he feels sorry for himself because he gained weight but does not see it is because he snacks all the time

And maybe it is not nice of me to tell him, maybe I should listen more patiently. I am not sure. How do you think?

I would so much like to have more mummy and daddy time or am I asking for too much?

OP posts:

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Lavinia123 · 07/02/2017 15:40

Oh, "relationships" might be a better board for this. So sorry. Can this thread be moved please?

OP posts:

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pallasathena · 07/02/2017 17:14

Sounds like he's having a one man pity party with you cast in the role of long suffering wifey.
He's written himself a script, is following it to the letter and in it, he is both hero and victim whilst you are really just playing an incidental, supporting role not worthy of a mention really when they role the credits.
You refer to him several times as 'My husband', which is fine of course but it also strikes me as a very formal, repeatedly formal mode of address that you're using which also suggests that there's very little love, affection, time, commitment or just basic kindness coming your way from him.
You don't have to live like this you know. You do have choices. I'd begin by reading up on assertiveness.
I'd also practise being 'difficult' instead of being eternally understanding. All the surveys show the number one trait that men like in women is confidence.
Its time to articulate how unhappy you are to him.

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newtoallthese · 07/02/2017 17:20

What ages are your DC out of interest?

The previous reply is kind of right - you want to make sure he knows how he's making you feel but could you do it in a way that it's not that he's making you unhappy, but that his unhappiness is upsetting you and you want to make him happy so that you're both happy.

If he's moaning about his weight it is likely something else bigger picture that's weighing on his mind - you need to find out what. How is your spark between you, sex life etc?

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Lavinia123 · 07/02/2017 18:13

Thanks for the responses.
@pallasathena: English is not my native language, this more formal addressing of your spouse is the norm in my language.
Actually my DH is a very kind man, just withdrawn or sometimes even detached but he would never hurt me on purpose. I am really sure he wants to be a good spouse.
@newtoallthese: a four year old DS, a two year old DS and baby twins.
The spark? Well, I'll be honest. I think he looked better when he weighted less. He still does look good, he does work out, but he looked even better when he weighted less.
We don't have much time for a sex life those days sigh but I am still very much attracted to him.

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pocketsaviour · 07/02/2017 18:22

Do you think that he is depressed? It sounds as if he has lost confidence due to his hearing problems and/or issues with crowds.

My H was hard of hearing and it really affected his confidence. He felt that people assumed he was "thick" because he kept having to ask them to repeat what they said.

Why did he stop playing rugby? I know you said it was when your son was born, so was it something you discussed together because you needed his help at home? Is this something he could revisit now that the DC are older? (Maybe reducing the frequency if he played every weekend - could you manage for him to play every fortnight?) Of course you should also have equal time for your own interests!

To me is sounds like he is withdrawn and feeling low, which can make someone feel like they lost interest in everything, not specifically in you. It sounds like he is still really engaged with your DC, which must be a good sign.

Was there an incident that triggered off his problems with crowds? Was he in the armed forces/security/police line of work?

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Lavinia123 · 07/02/2017 18:49

Do I think he is depressed? Not sure.

With my husband it is the same. Sometimes he needs to ask people to repeat what they just said or he misunderstand what they have been saying and he hates it. But when I tell people that he is hard of hearing he hates it just as much.

There are a number of reasons why he stopped playing rugby. Time was a major issue and he had his nose broken. Later he wanted to pick it up again but never followed it trough.

Yes, he is withdrawn and I think it is a bit worrying and OTOH I think he should snatch out of it. We spend the holidays with my family. Well, he did eat with us but as soon as it was possible to retreat to our room without causing major offense he did so and then he was playing computer games all day long.
I tried to make him join us a few times buthe did not want. I did not make him then because I know the other thing he has a strong dislike of is New Years Eve and of course there is New Years Eve at the end of the holidays.

But, yes, I don't think I am to happy with the way he did act.

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pileoflaundry · 07/02/2017 21:13

Is your DH fairly introverted? The needing time to 'isolate' himself may be him needing time away from all the noise and to internalise everything; you need time too, it's not right if he does this too much.

It's not great to hide from your family, but again if they are very chatty and he is depressed it may be just a coping mechanism.

Could you take up an exercise / outdoor activity as a family? It's hard with small children but maybe you can find something that you would all enjoy?

Have you asked him if he thinks he is feeling down or depressed?

Does he have options for a hearing aid or anything else which may help? Is his hearing staying the same, or getting worse? Have you considered both learning basic makaton or BSL, if you don't use it already, and teaching the children? Small children seem to thrive on communication via signs, and it's so much more peaceful when my DC sign to me rather than whine or shout. Again, great if he's introverted as it may gain an occasional extra bit of extra peace and quiet.

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Lavinia28 · 11/02/2017 19:06

It is me. I forgot the password for my other account. Pretty embarrassing.

He used to be depressed a while ago, but did not tell me until he was feeling better again. I made him promise to tell me I he was depressed again.

Yesterday I asked him how he was feeling, if he was feeling depressed. He told me everything was fine and there was no need for me to worry.

My family is a bit lively. I am not sure if he is introverted. He used to be quite extroverted and cool, but now he is often grumpy (complaining about his weight). Unusual in a man, isn't it?

He is dissatisfied with a number of things and some of them are really minor.

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Lavinia28 · 11/02/2017 19:57

Oops,forgot to answer your other questions. His hearing will not get any worse.
No, I have never considered learning Makatin or BSL because he can hear. He just does not hear as well as other persons, but if I speak loud and clear he gets what I am saying. Friends have told me I talk very loud nowadays. I got used to it.
Apart from that my husband does not know any sign language and there would be no benefit if I learned how to sign.
Are you hard of hearing, pileoflaundry?

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Lavinia28 · 11/02/2017 21:49

Bump

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pileoflaundry · 12/02/2017 20:35

He told me everything was fine and there was no need for me to worry.

This is the hardest part. It's all second-guessing if he won't tell you. I'm afraid that I don't have any more ideas :(

I'm not hard of hearing although the noise the DC make is probably damaging my ears. I learn basic BSL a long time ago and it's been great with the DC, especially as mine have been a bit slow to speak. It somehow slows and quietens things, gets the DC calmer.