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Help! Mum's weird behaviour anyone have any advice or similar situation?(2 Posts)
Hi everyone, first time visiting here and thought I may benefit from sharing an important issue in my life which maybe someone out there can relate to and/or share any help or advice on what to do! It's a bit complicated but I will try to keep it brief so please, bear with me and apologies if it turns into an essay!
Basically bit of background quickly - I grew up in the care of my mum and my nan (mum was 21 when I born and still lived at home, never moved out and dad left before I was born) and have always had tonnes of love and affection from my nan but never my mum, I think she used to say "love you" when I was really little but no hugs or kisses. Obviously had all that from my nan and she did most of the caring for me as my mum went out to work so I was never short of love/attention/care.
When I was 18 we moved out and mum finally got us our own place, shortly after moving her boyfriend in and several months after my sister was born. They are still together and all live together. I'm not going to sugar coat things and say I've been perfect - I haven't, I was a terrible teenager, anxiety, depression, self harm, suicidal, drug abuse so I know that must have been hard on my mum but she admitted in recent years that she knew she should have got me help from a mental health team but "didn't want them to blame me or say that any of it was my fault" - her exact words.
In recent years I have had 2 beautiful children which she seems happy about, always spoiling the oldest when he arrived and always buying bits and pieces. She's very house proud and likes to have nice things and furniture and is always buying me bits for the house and things I need whilst at the same time critisising everything about my house and how I live. She's very material and puts a lot of store into having nice things where as I'm more inclined to feel that emotion and relationships take a much higher priority.
The main problem in this very long story (very sorry, please don't give up now!) is when I was pregnant with second son. I'm not very good at keeping my phone within reach so often miss calls or don't get back to her straight away. She got fed up with this and stopped calling me and due to my busy life with a toddler didn't contact her for a week or so. After this I sort of left it to her to contact me as I was out of credit and she has a house phone but she never called. This turned into months of no contact resulting in my going into premature labour and my son being very poorly and spending 2 months in SCBU. Despite being in contact with my nan and her relaying all this to my mum, still no contact. 7 months later I decided on her birthday to surprise her with a visit with her new grandson and all was well, not much was said about it aside from if you never answer the phone I will stop calling. We were back to normal for all of about 4 months and since just before Christmas she text me saying she would call in a few days and nothing. Waited and waited and waited and NOTHING.
This time I've given up, I made the contact last time this happened as I wanted my kids to have a relationship with their nan but after this has happened a second time and with no obvious reason - she said she would call and never did I can't be bothered with it and don't think I should put my children or myself through this again. I have no answers to her behaviour, she said previously that she wants to spend more time with the kids so if that's true then why be so quick to just drop them and me and stop talking to us. Clearly nothing I ever do is good enough for her and I can't help thinking that seeing as I didn't turn out how she had hoped I would as an adult, she's quite willing to just fuck me off to save herself the hassle.
Has anyone else got a similar story and am I being really quite selfish by not making an effort with her for a second time? I like to think that everyone deserves a second chance but she had hers already and to the same thing again so soon after the last time I just feel that I'm doing what's best for my kids and myself by not having a relationship with her. As I already said when I am speaking to her it's constant criticising and complaining about my house, my partner, my parenting, basically everything and I think we would all benefit from not having that negative influence on our lives. BTW my partner is nothing but amazing, hard working, provides us with everything, loving, kind and everything you would want a baby daddy to be, yet she feels he's a waste of space! I just might add that she hates my stepdad, constantly puts him down, moans about everything he does and is generally not happy with him. I can't help thinking that because she's in such a loveless relationship she somehow thinks that I should be too and is perhaps resentful toward me because my relationship is the complete opposite!?
Anyway again sorry for the very long post but I really had to tell someone about this as I don't know anyone else that has experienced the same thing. Any help or advice or words of wisdom would be very much appreciated and hopefully I can get rid of this guilty feeling I have for essentially abandoning my own mother, even if she has initiated this situation and has somehow resented me since the moment I was born.
Thank you very much and I look forward to any response!!
Sounds to me like she's not happy in her life so she's criticising yours to make herself feel better which is extremely selfish of her!
She's filling her life with material objects so she can't get hurt emotionally perhaps because she has been in the past?
What does your Nan say about all this can she shed any light? Or even try and help the two of you resolve things?
I would feel the same as you do if I were in that situation and would feel like I don't want to put any more olive branches out for her. But would you for the sake of the kids?
I would be tempted to just confront her about it all and have it out once and for all, what have you got to lose? If she decides she doesn't want to speak to after you've not exactly lost anything because she doesn't speak to you anyway.
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