Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Finally left him, but he won't accept

(17 Posts)
cushion53 Tue 07-Feb-17 13:20:21

After posting on here a few times about my poor relationship with my husband and been criticised for not doing anything about it I have finally left him. I moved into a flat on my own leaving him in our house with our son who is 20. My daughter has left home and is fine.
The problem is he just will not accept my decision and is still, 5 months down the line, pleading with me to come back. He has used threats, then been super nice, now we are in the 'poor me' stage. I've ruined his life, destroyed him and he will kill himself if I don't change my mind and it will be all my fault. Anyone out there had this happen to them and what did you do?

TheTantrumCometh Tue 07-Feb-17 13:27:34

I don't have any personal experience of this. My Dsis and her husband split up four years ago and she had a hard time accepting it. She just didn't seem to be able to wrap her head around it. She would keep saying things like, "he just won't say/commit he'll do x, y, z" and we were all on the sidelines thinking 'that's because he doesn't want those things. He doesn't want to be with you.' It was very hard, but there was no convincing her. She almost treated him like they were still in a relationship.

Eventually things started to clear for her and started accepting things had changed. Her exdh dealt with it well for the most part. He just stayed firm and every time it was brought up he just reiterated that he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore and that it was over. There's no point saying maybe or staying that you need time etc etc, as it just leads to false hope.

tipsytrifle Tue 07-Feb-17 13:38:38

Is there any chance of you going non-contact with him? Are you happier without him, more like your real self? If so, then hold that realisation uppermost in your mind and know that he is trying to sabotage you. This is a time for you to make a stand for that life away from him that you wanted and needed.

Pocketsaviour Tue 07-Feb-17 13:45:14

Well done for breaking free of him. As your children are adults and therefore you can contact them independently, I think your best bet is to just stop responding to him. Text him once and say "please send any legal correspondence regarding our house/assets to my email address Please do not contact me through any other method again as I don't want to talk to you."

This text will then form a legal basis in case you need to bring harassment charges against him.

You can now block his texts and calls on your phone, and only check your new divorce email account when you feel in a good place to deal with any bullshit.

The key thing is to detach yourself emotionally. He is an adult and you no longer have any obligation to him. If he truly felt suicidal then he would be seeking treatment. If at any point he sends a text saying "I've taken an overdose" then call the police and let them deal with it. Because it'll be bullshit.

JellyBean31 Tue 07-Feb-17 13:47:28

I was in this situation, it went on for about 14 months tbh. I even agreed to meet him thinking if he saw me face to face talking about divorce it might sink in ....but know apparently I looked at him a certain way that meant he felt I didn't mean what I was saying...aaaargh......

I agree with no contact as much as is possible, your DCs are older and there really is no need for you and him to communicate. I went through a stage of replying to all messages with "we are separated, I'm not prepared to discuss this". You will feel sorry for him if he's having a tough time, but if you show that, he'll latch on to it.

Anyway, my exH accepted it eventually.

xStefx Tue 07-Feb-17 13:50:20

Are you happier without him op? The "ill kill myself if you don't come back" Thing is just another way of trying to get what he wants and to control you. As you said already, he has tried it all on so far... Mr nasty.. Mr Nice and now Mr sorry for myself. Stick to your guns, he will run out steam. 5 months isn't a long time so keep doing what your doing. xx

DevelopingDetritus Tue 07-Feb-17 13:53:31

I agree, no contact, stick to your guns, don't fall for his blackmailing. That isn't love, it is the opposite. Do you own the house together? If so, go and see a solicitor, to get the wheels in motion to get it sold.

DevelopingDetritus Tue 07-Feb-17 13:55:32

*you've been through enough, long enough. Happiness, freedom and feeling safe are ahead of you, don't let him drag you back. Best wishes.

gamerchick Tue 07-Feb-17 14:02:42

Bravo OP, well done man flowers

It could go on for a while, my ex still thinks he's coming back when my marriage fails nearly 8 years on hmm if you have no littlies you should be able to escape most of it.

Ignore all whinging,detach, don't engage unless it's unavoidable and keep contact as low as possible. Don't be afraid to block him everywhere or hang up on him and if he turns up at your house being a pest, don't be afraid to ask a policeman to remove him.

If he does do something silly to get your attention, DO NOT go and see him afterwards.

Has he tried using the kids to tug at you yet? Tell them it's not their concern and it's ok to tell their dad it's nothing to do with them.

You're free.

TheNaze73 Tue 07-Feb-17 14:02:44

No contact as others have said. You owe him nothihg

Deathraystare Tue 07-Feb-17 17:26:32

've ruined his life, destroyed him and he will kill himself if I don't change my mind and it will be all my fault. Anyone out there had this happen to them and what did you do?

Well, if this is what he thinks why does he want you back?????

TheMysteriousJackelope Tue 07-Feb-17 17:30:57

Does he have any close friends or family? It might be worth letting them know about the suicide threats while also telling them that you will be drastically cutting contact with him as it is clearly prolonging things and upsetting him.

I would also let your DC know about the Samaritans and other places where their father can get help in case he tries to emotionally blackmail them into getting you back into his fold using suicide threats.

cushion53 Tue 07-Feb-17 18:06:17

Thanks so much for all replies. Yes I will have to go on contact. He has started to get at the kids to ask me to come back so thanks for that advice re what they can do to deflect it. Appreciate all advice

cushion53 Tue 07-Feb-17 18:07:04

No contact sorry, not 'on'.

AnyFucker Tue 07-Feb-17 18:08:26

Stop engaging with him

DevelopingDetritus Tue 07-Feb-17 18:30:30

He's desperate, he'll do anything and everything to get his own way, that includes using his own children in this sick game. Stay strong.

OliviaStabler Tue 07-Feb-17 18:52:24

Go no contact. If there is no reason to have discussions, then there is no need to connect with him. Sit down with your kids and say that it is over and ask them not to involve themselves in any way when he asks them to.

Good luck flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now