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My long term partner still isn't divorced

(48 Posts)
Hellohello16 Tue 07-Feb-17 12:16:30

Hello! I know this topic is opinion, but I'd love to hear thoughts on whether I'm being silly, or genuinely have reason to be questioning everything.
So iv been with my partner 3 1/2 years.. he has been stepdad to my 4 year old for 3 1/2 years, basically taken over the job of her dad and loves her like his own.
He was married after 6 months of being with his partner (he was in the army.. they wanted a house. Betrayal and affairs on both parts from the start)
She was a friend although I use the term loosely, so when I got with him I never pushed for them to divorce I just let it run its course. He always said after the 2 years he would divorce her and here we are almost 4 years from there split and it still hasn't happened!! You wouldn't believe the amount of things have gotten in the way, his debts finally paid off, finally bought a printer, finally bought ink cartridges and paper for the printer, papers got sent back because the cost of a divorce had gone up, he wanted to split the cost but she won't pay, he had the wrong papers. Oh my the list is endless with issues of getting to where we are now. BUT we are planning on getting a mortgage this summer and somethings eating away at me because I feel like I'm not moving forward - he knows I would love him to get divorced (iv thrown conversations and comments in in the last 4 years).
One minute he's promising me he will finally get it sorted, and the next he jokes he'll get it done when she does it. Iv told him I don't want a marriage proposal anytime soon but I just can't understand that if he loves me why would he not want to be divorced?!? He's not one for emotion but I know he loves me and my daughter. My friends tell me to get on at him but I'm not one to get on at someone I know will just push him more, so I need to know if I'm being irrational or I have all rights to feel this way. Any thoughts greatly appreciated!!!!

ImperialBlether Tue 07-Feb-17 12:19:31

Alarm bells are ringing here.

He cheated on his wife - were you the OW?

He was your child's step-dad from the moment he met them? You know that's not the right thing to do, don't you?

By refusing to divorce he's refusing to commit to you. I would advise you not to buy a house with this man.

LexieLulu Tue 07-Feb-17 12:22:47

Do not get a mortgage with him unless he's divorced! You don't want this getting messy.

After 2 years separated they can get a quicky divorce now

hellsbellsmelons Tue 07-Feb-17 12:22:50

You have a right to feel however you to feel.
No-one can argue feelings!
I however, took over 5 years to divorce my ExH.
I'm glad it took so long because I'm much better off financially than I would have been if I'd done it sooner.

I've been with my current partner for years and he's not finalised his divorce.
It's close now but still not quite done and he separated 6.5 years ago.

I wouldn't stress it but I'm not looking to ever get married again so it doesn't bother me at all.

TheNaze73 Tue 07-Feb-17 12:24:52

I think he's probably a bit scared of the Unknown & that's holding him back. I think 4 or so years, is just about long enough to truly start to know someone, so you're probably right in thinking that

Pocketsaviour Tue 07-Feb-17 12:30:28

Do they have a child together?

JellyBean31 Tue 07-Feb-17 12:31:38

If you get a mortgage with him, won't half your house then be a marital asset if he's not divorced? My friend is in the same situation, but tbh she was a bit relieved to have an excuse as she really wanted to buy on her own.

Orangebird69 Tue 07-Feb-17 12:33:37

I'm not a lawyer but as they're still married, wouldn't she have a claim on his 'half' of any property you buy together? No way would I be finacially investing in anything with him until a divorce and consent order is in place.

roundandround4x4 Tue 07-Feb-17 12:36:34

I probably wouldn't by a house with him until he is divorced, as his exw could be entitled to half or 25% of any equity, then you would have to find a way to pay her off. Also any assets he is building up such as pensions / savings would also (possibly) be considered. Also, if he had an accident and was let incapacitated who is his next of kin? It is legally a spouse unless he has made other legal arrangements, which sounds unlikely with the reasons he is giving for not getting divorced (printer / ink cartridges / paper)

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Tue 07-Feb-17 12:38:15

If he doesn't have a child with his wife he can get divorced quickly and easily. In fact, even if they have a child, so long as it's not acrimonious then it can be done quickly and easily although will cost a bit more.

I don't know why he's stalling but he is. I wouldn't buy a house with him until he's divorced, and in fact didn't with my DH as he was separated but not divorced when we got together. He was added to the mortgage later.

loinnir Tue 07-Feb-17 13:10:43

Your DP would have been much better divorcing when he had debts! and a short marriage. DO NOT (as others have said) buy a house with this man until he has his divorce settled. His share could be classed as a marital asset as he would still be married to Ex at the the time of purchase. He should suck it up and just pay for the divorce - sounds like Ex might be difficult.

I would be thinking of ultimatums (and acting on them) your financial security for your DD comes first.

mouldycheesefan Tue 07-Feb-17 13:12:34

He has a wife.
This set up is bonkers.

RockyBird Tue 07-Feb-17 13:18:02

I got a joint mortgage with a separated but married man. When I like his wife came to my senses it was no problem buying him out.

I think there was one extra form to sign. Don't know what would have happened if he'd kicked the bucket during the time we lived together though.

kel1234 Tue 07-Feb-17 13:28:32

You only have to be married a year then you can start divorce proceedings.
It would worry me tbh

Notagain2017 Tue 07-Feb-17 13:29:04

When they do eventually get around to divorcing, all his assets will go into the pot including his share of any property. I wouldn't get a mortgage until the divorce is final. If he is genuine, he will get his skates on. And if he can afford to contribute to a mortgage I am sure he can afford a divorce assuming it will be straight forward.

Hellohello16 Tue 07-Feb-17 15:34:50

Thankyou for all the replies! It never even registered to me that with him still married, his share of the mortgage is a marital asset to her. Honestly I'm quite a bright person but when your the one in the situation you never know what how you'l feel or think.
I will definitely go down the no mortgage until divorced route!
I was not the other women in the affair, they had separated when I became involved. I had known him for years. Nearly 4 years later and we're still strong and happy - does it matter how quick it came about?
They have no children together.
He can afford the divorce but he's cross that he has to pay the £540 it will cost without her contributing anything. He always provided for her the 3 years they were together, the debts were because of her.
My main question is the emotional strain it's come to have on me and that's where I'm not sure if I'm just being over sensitive about it, or I have the right to say oi what's he playing at! It's never been a problem as we arnt in a rush to do anything were more than happy with where we are, the mortgage situation has literally just come about - hence searching for others thoughts now!
Thanks again everyone!!

mouldycheesefan Tue 07-Feb-17 15:37:04

She is his next of kin unless he has made a will stating otherwise which seems unlikely. If he was on a life support machine, it would be her choice wenether to turn it off. If he died she would inherit his assets inc his pension.
Etc etc etc

Adora10 Tue 07-Feb-17 15:43:03

No way you should or even can get a mortgage with someone already married; she would become entitled so forget that.

interesting he can afford a mortgage but not the cost of a straightforward divorce; it's not nagging OP, it's setting your standard and being with a married man 4 years down the line is not acceptable to you.

Notagain2017 Tue 07-Feb-17 15:47:24

Also I don't know if she is working but if not and he is earning and saving, again she will be entitled to a share of that. That came to bite me when I dovrced as everything I earnt and saved in the three years we were separated he put a claim on as he was unemployed. Oh yes he was entitled to a share of my pension during that period too!

Graphista Tue 07-Feb-17 15:56:40

Ex wife of army man here. Currently unless he's gone through a solicitor to arrange legally otherwise currently she's entitled to

Marital assets
Pension
Death benefits
Any inheritance

She can also

Decide on his medical care
Instruct on what happens to his remains and funeral if he dies.

My ex lied to his now wife (who was ow and by this point mother to one of his children) that I was stalling on the divorce (he was holding onto papers needed to progress, refusing to answer calls and letters) then when divorce was finalised he didn't tell her (she was pushing to get married) and she found out by a friend of her sisters hearing from a friend of mine that the divorce was final and I was going out that weekend to mark it. She was less than impressed!

They're now married (that was a saga in itself!) He's continued to cheat and lie but if she's mug enough to put up with it that's her lookout.

I say cut your losses! At the very least double check what he's telling you.

ImperialBlether Tue 07-Feb-17 16:34:41

Have you seen the threads on here giving reasons why it's better to be married? Well, she is still benefiting from all that.

Minime85 Tue 07-Feb-17 17:07:40

I agree with your post completely. I think you are right to feel like that. Beware divorce in itself doesn't sort the finances out that is separate and should be done between nisi and absolute. Good luck. I wouldn't be getting a mortgage with him until it's done as she would legally have a right to half of house etc on his death .

AuntieStella Tue 07-Feb-17 17:16:10

Advanced Search is broken, but I'm pretty sure you have posted about this situation before (weren't you considering paying for the divorce?) There has been excuse after excuse why he won't get in with it.

And you weren't living together then, are you now?

Because he has been stalling for months/years. You see his objections as small admin issues. To the outsider, sorry, it reads like someone who isn't interested enough to clear the way to a proper relationship.

Hellohello16 Tue 07-Feb-17 17:24:51

Auntie stella...
I have NO IDEA what your talking about.
I signed up today. In the hope for a little opinion on how other women would feel in my situation.
The thread you are mentioning sounds interesting though and may lead me to someone who understands my situation. If you ever come across it again do keep me in mind.

Hellohello16 Tue 07-Feb-17 17:30:11

Thanks minime85.
They have nothing between them, no debt, no joint accounts, no children, no loans, absolutely nothing shared. A clean cut wouldn't be hard at all.

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