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Lying Fiancée - previously shafted by lying EX and OW(36 Posts)
Hi Namechanged as was on here a lot a few years ago with my cheating ex pissing of with OW and treating me like shit for months afterwards!
Ive been seeing a guy for three years he is quite immature relationship wise, but very sweet, funny, kind and loving- he helped me rebuild my confidence after my ex -I wasn't looking for anything too involved but over time he has become part of my life, he is mostly reliable and makes me feel special and wanted.
However he lies, he has lied in the past about going out with friends he knows I'm not a fan of because he normally ends up in some sort of drama with them and I find out - once he swore he was at home but I had a feeling and drove to his place to find his car gone, he was in the pub with said friends.
He has drunk drove on one occasion that I know of and only told me about it when he had to because he hit a roundabout and damaged his front teeth- he called his mum when the accident happened- I found out the morning after.
He is very close to his mother and I think she covers for him - anyway i thought we worked through these issues and were in a good place now.
He lives alone, we were hoping to move in together at my place as soon as he gets a job near me- so I'm texting him this evening and he tells me he is at his mums I thought he was just visiting and asked when he was leaving he wouldn't answer and I thought this was strange so I pushed and pushed and he admitted that he had been given notice on his flat three months ago - he was hoping to find a job near me by now but because he hasn't he had moved back in with his mum last week!
I can't believe the lying -three months he has had to tell me - he didn't say anything and I can't believe he would do all that without telling me.
Also he knows he could have moved in here ( he would have had to give up his job and got some temp work here for a bit) but he chose to move in with his mum instead.
I was fucked over by my ex which really floored me and I thought he was different - it still amazes me how much someone can lie first my ex and now him.
As I said in other ways he is very sweet and kind and treats me very well- but the lying is too much - he is weak I think and doesn't want to face my questioning/ upset if I find out the truth about bad choices he has made/ situations he finds himself in.
What do I do? Can he change? He really helped me after my ex and I do believe he is sorry when he tells me the truth eventually - I just wish he has the guts to tell the truth in the first place!
Maybe he doesn't tell you because, as you've said, it causes drama. They're his friends and he doesn't see any harm in hanging out with them but also doesn't want to upset you.
I don't know why he didnt tell you he was staying with his mother. It sounds like he is afraid of being judged by you in general. That may be his own personality, or you may be asking him for too much.
I think your biggest problem is that your trying to make him something he is not.
I get that you love him and he has many redeeming qualities but the relationship has served its purpose, in that it got you over your Ex but now unfortunately you're complicit in a parent and child dynamic. Read your posts back, you're trying to cure his immaturity by controlling his environment (friends, mother, living arrangements) and he pushes back by lying.
This is who he is and you can't Mother him into someone more mature and responsible. I think your desperate for the relationship to work without considering if the relationship works. You've invested a lot of your energy into this relationship and I think (given your history) your scared of it not working out but your incompatible on a fundamental level and no, I don't think he will change with you because of the dynamic that exists between you.
Isetan sums it up brilliantly. Look at your wording....
He's avoiding confrontation due to your controlling behaviour
I agree with the above posters. I think you are controlling and your ur expectations are too high for him. He's lying because he's embarrassed. I think you need to end the relationship because you'll never be happy with him
Sadly I agree with pp, and you're trying to make him into someone he is never going to be. It's telling he chose not to tell you he'd given up his flat and preferred to move in with his mother rather than in with you.
Because you don't trust him he doesn't tell you things because he knows you'll carry on trying to control him and it's a vicious circle.
Give up op, you're so incompatible it will never work.
He sounds immature. These are the sort of lies a teenager would tell!
I've been there, not the controlling behaviour but hanging on to the blinkered idea that 'if it wasn't for this one aspect of his personality', he would be perfect. Except 'the one aspect' of his personality, is fundamental to who he is and it was fundamentally incompatible to who I was.
I'm sorry OP but It's time to let go of the fantasy of who you want him to be.
How do you know the treating you well part is not a lie too?
Simply put... He's not the one for you. You shouldn't have to tell him who his friends can be. If he's not sensible enough to recognise that they are no good or that it always ends in drama, then why be with someone who is such a poor judge of character?
I say this to engaged couples on the marriage preparation course "Are you willing to accept each other as they are?"
Without hope that you will change them. If not, then you shouldn't be getting married.
This isn't a little niggle, like leaving the toothpaste lid off. Lies roll of his tongue very easily and you'll never know when he's telling the truth.
I think there is some truth in the statement about your policing of him and his reaction to hide and lie. He is scared to be honest with you perhaps?
That said.... him giving notice on his flat and moving home and not mentioning it at all is devious, even factoring in your potential for micro-management.
this relationship is going nowhere, he lacks gumption and balls and you want to manage every breath he takes because you are terrified that something will happen that you arent in control of, because of your past issues.
He has his friends and he's happy with them, you can't dictate who he has in his life.
Yes I don't doubt he is irresponsible, I would not want to be with a drunk driver though, that's beyond unacceptable. However, he's a grown man and that's his look out.
Fast forward to the future, if you did manage to trap him into moving in with you (which if I were one of his mates I'd seriously counsel him against) and god forbid have a child with him, exactly how much use as a father do you think he would be?
What WOULD you say to your child when it's glaringly obvious that their dad is a loser and that you chose a real dud as their dad?
Trust me, knowing you have inflicted a crap dad on your child is the hardest thing to try to live with; you never forgive yourself. Never.
You must work on your own trust issues. You MUST learn that shit happens and the world still turns. People let us down, sometimes on purpose, sometimes because it's the right thing to do for them. Life goes on and actually everything DOES happen for a reason - good and bad. We learn from bad things, we learn about our own strengths, it helps us help others.
From the way you explain the situation I would also be scared to tell you stuff I thought you'd disapprove of!
You say this guy helped you get over yr ex & is loving and attentive etc. Are you the same to him or just critical? Its not fair to expect him to change if you aren't prepared to work on yourself too. But, as people have said, perhaps you are not really compatible.
You refer to him as fiance. Does this mean there has been a proposal and wedding plans are under way?
It's good that this sweet natured "mostly reliable" but immature man has helped you recover from what went before. It's not necessarily the case that this means he is the one to base a future on though. Especially when lying is your line in the sand and his frequently preferred choice.
So the guy OP has been 'seeing' is the fiancé here? I thought there was another woman involved (fiancée).
This is confusing.
Have we got this right now OP? You're engaged to this guy you're discussing here ?
You haven't mentioned when he proposed or anything about a wedding or your life together when you're married and it all sounded rather casual when you describe him as a guy you've been seeing.
If you two are engaged I think it's a mistake. You don't sound right for each other and as pp have said you don't accept who he is. ( I wouldn't either for that matter, he's immature and irresponsible. )
Jesus, you sound like a strict parent!
I don't think he's the one for you.
Yes, he's lying but you come across as quite controlling.
Is he a lot younger than you??
This is six of one and hal fa dozen of the other -- he's weak and juvenile, and you're supervising his life to the point of getting into your car and driving somewhere to catch him out in a lie or omission - and it's making a poisonous dynamic. I agree with others - this relationship isn't good for either of you. It's had its place for you, in getting you over your ex, but you're playing stern mother/devious child here. End it for everyone's sake.
Sorry OP I agree with many of the PPs including Isetan.
Lying is not ok, as far as I'm concerned where there is no trust there is no relationship. But it sounds like in his immaturity he lies for an "easy life".
The moving in with his Mum when you want to live with him implies to me he wasn't motivated enough to find a new job and commit to you.
I think you should both cut your losses and walk away with lessons learned
Thank you all
Yes he is my fiancée he asked me to marry him last Christmas
Just to be clear he was given notice on his flat so had to move however he said he was scared to tell me and thought he could say at his mums while he looks for a job near me.
Someone hid the nail on the head - the lies roll off his tongue and that's what worries me.
I admit I am a bit controlling of him mainly because he is immature and weak however lovely
You think he's weak and immature ? And that he needs controlling?
Hardly the best foundation for marriage op, he's also a practiced liar so what's the attraction?
He lies for an easy life, rather than doing the right thing and sharing.
You'll never be able to trust him to do right thing by you, or anyone else, if it thinks he could be uncomfortable as a result so you'll be taking a massive risk in marrying him.
He's not yours to control.
How dare you??
There's no way I'd consider a joint tenancy with a man who lied this much, let alone a bloody mortgage.
He's very practised, isn't he? This is not the man for you. (Because he's not a man. He's a little boy who still goes running back to mammy when he fucks up.)
Given that your thread identifies something of your previous trauma, is there a chance that this man's immaturity makes him an attractive prospect? Aside from the lying (is this still your line in the sand?) he's unlikely to "shaft" you like your ex did because his character allows you to feel more in control of your life with him? Maybe I'm over-thinking it but are you sure you wouldn't prefer more time as a strong, independent woman who doesn't need to rely on anyone at all? Are you sure he wouldn't benefit from more time to grow-up a bit?
You sound overbearing and controlling so I'd probably lie to you, too.
You're engaged yet you don't even live together, plus you 'check up' on him Not exactly a wonderful foundation for marriage, is it? Quit while you're ahead, you're not right for one another.
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