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When do you know you're ready to move on. I mean REALLY know...(2 Posts)
Just need some outside perspective on this, as it is causing me a lot of doubts and feeling down at the moment. This is a long read even though I've tried to keep it brief as much as possible, so apologies for that.
Potted history for background.
Met a lady at work and we shared an almost instant attraction. I'd just come out of a difficult break up so wasn't really ready for anything serious so we were both happy with FWB to start with. Some intervention from the ex who I had broken up with caused her to question things just as we were starting to get serious and she broke it off. A few months later we got back together properly as a couple. I knew she had some things she wanted from the relationship ( she wanted a kid, I already had two DD's with my exDW and didn't really want any more, we lived a way apart and she wasn't keen on moving, nor was I because I am as active as possible in my DD's lives ).
After a few months, we weren't really able to resolve some of these issues ( I loved her so much and thought that she would be such a good mum that I'd decided I was happy to go ahead with having a kid, even though I'd be the oldest dad I the schoolyard ! ) so we called it a day. I had an utterly miserable few months ( as did she ). I can honestly say that I don't think I was ever in love with anyone like I love her and it was the first time I remember a break up actually bringing me to the edge of going to the doc for some help.
Late last year she got in touch again. I thought we could perhaps be just friends as I missed that very much, but the moment we were together again it was obvious that we wouldn't be able to keep it to just that. After a couple of weeks of trying to hide things under the guise of FWB, we both decided we needed to make another try. I was happy to try for a kid, and I figured we'd be able to work out the living arrangements and we'd be able to move closer to her hometown within a couple of years or so because my DD's would be going to uni / work so no longer staying with me so much. I was very conscious of our ages and biology at work ( me 48, her 41 ), so I knew there was an implied timetable which I was happy with because we were so utterly in love.
So queue one morning at the end of Oct last year... We'd had some tough talks about what next, not got all the answers but working on them I thought, and she tells me she doesn't know how it will ever work because she can't move away from her parents and the house she just bought so we end up splitting again.
Overall, in the space of two years, we spent probably 10 months as a couple. They were so intense, so incredible I just don't know whether I'll ever feel that way again. We were a match on so many levels, even my friend said that we were like the stereotypical "matching jigsaw pieces".
So here I am, three months later. I thought I was ready to move on with my life. I started dating a couple of weeks ago and after the second date with a woman, I suddenly panic, feel like I'm cheating on the ex, so I told the new person I'd dated the truth, took myself off of Match etc... Spent a lot of time thinking about things and realised that I don't really want to move on right now. I miss her almost every day still. Part of me clings to the notion that she won't meet someone who meets all the criteria and will get in touch again in the future. The stupid thing is that in my frame of mind at the moment, I am happy to wait. I don't want that to happen because it would mean she'd have missed out on the chance to have a child that she so wanted, but that little part of my mind that is selfish would love it to happen.
How long do you have to wait ? Was I simply panicking because I thought it wasn't the right person that I was dating ? I want to move on but I also want to make sure that I grieve for what I had, and don't carry that into a new relationship... My confidence has taken an utter beating, and I'm just not interested in anything much at the moment. If I'm honest, I'm angry at her for not trying to meet me half way about the living arrangements even though I'm conflicted because it's absolutely her right to not move across the country if she doesn't want to.
Reading this back, it all sounds so pathetic. I'm a grown man and I consider myself quite good at understanding my motivations and needs and yet this one person came into my life and kicked all my preconceptions about me and my plan for my life into touch. Strangest thing to me was that I loved it and would have
still would go anywhere to be with her once the DDs were older.
I know what perfection felt like now, and I am scared I'll never find anyone that makes me feel that way again.
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