Hi
This is a just a ramble to see if writing it down helps me. If anyone want to chip in and give me a hard shake feel free please. Anything would be better than this vacuum.
With DH 20 years, 3 older teens, we are in our 50’s. Financially fairly secure ( we both work) though his job is under threat right now
We have been like flat mates for a good few years – superficially get on but no intimacy, no open talking ever (he wont talk, just says he finds it difficult). I have been increasingly unhappy for a few years, and the thought of being empty nest fairly soon is filling me with dread. I wrote all of this down last summer and gave him the letter – emphasising that not talking about it was a big deal.
Fast forward to now, he hasn’t mentioned it again. So I finally had to bring the subject up again now. He says he wants us to stay together – at no stage has he mentioned love – last summer’s conversation he was so defeatist about it, he said if he changed anything or did anything, I would just say he was doing it change my mind. He says the DC will be upset.
I wrote down the pros and cons of staying together and splitting up.
I want to stay together because
It’s the easy option
I don’t want to upset him
I don’t want to upset the DC
It’s financially better
I don’t want to upset all the elderly parents
I don’t mind him on surface level – ie we can chat about politics/weather/ household tasks
He is helping a bit more around the house
He has always been engaged with the DC – defo a good dad
I feel like I am kicking him when he is down because of the redundancy situation and because he is sad at the idea of splitting and can’t see what a future on his own would look like
I worry that the DCs will blame me as the visible one in ending it even though there have been years of him not communicating
I don’t want to stay together because
Despite me saying as much of this as I could last summer which doesn’t come naturally to me, he still left it to me to raise the topic again. He says he has thought about it every day but never found the right time to raise it
He still says he finds it hard to speak about stuff even though I said that was the main thing. He has suggested we go out and do more things together – seems like making an effort but hasn’t done much about it over the autumn
He still hasn’t mentioned the elephant in the room re sex (neither have I – but that is almost a test – can he talk about something that I haven’t raised first?). And can I actually hurt his feelings that much by saying I don’t want to? I don’t fancy him at all and don’t want to make love with him at all, can hardly manage more than a peck on the cheek
What on earth do I do. I see all the experiences on here where people have so much a worse time with awful partners and I think I shouldn’t be complaining. But then I think of another 20 or 30 years of life just the two of us and I cant bear it.
What a sad mess.
Anyway that was long and I still don’t know what I should do.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Do I ask for split or not - self indulgent outpouring
changeofnamefornow · 06/02/2017 14:25
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