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If you're having relationship problems do you still make plans together?

(8 Posts)
HarmlessChap Mon 06-Feb-17 12:49:55

While I have in my head that I can probably tolerate the current situation of being in a platonic relationship rather than a marriage for the next couple of years, until the kids leave home,that is by no means guaranteed.

DW and I are trying to rekindle some kind of affection and intimacy within our relationship. Over the last 10+ years all affection has come from me and if I don't do it there is none, she not fussed and its sole destroying. She's said many times in the past, that she finds it hard to show affection but when I make a fuss about it she makes an effort for a few weeks and then returns to old behaviors. Basically I don't think she finds me attractive anymore but I don't think she wants to admit that to herself.

We have had yet another had a frank discussion, this time I was clear that I'm miserable and if things don't change we won't last. She has accepted that a sexless, affection-less marriage is neither normal or healthy.

I've not mentioned about the kids leaving home timescale and yet she's wanting to book holidays and make plans for the future with a seemingly unquestioning assumption that we will always be together.

I don't know whether its sheer optimism or total denial.

Any thoughts?

Esoteric Mon 06-Feb-17 13:00:27

I sympathise, I have the reverse, I am the one who doesn't feel the same and yet have to carry on for many reasons, in my case my husband shat on me a good few years ago but only recently found out, and I just can't forgive and forget , but he carries on as if all is totally ok and i am expected to just move onwards

Total denial sadly.

A loveless sexless marriage is no life though 😟

AhYerWill Tue 07-Feb-17 00:42:05

I guess if you've had this same chat several times, but you're still there, she's assuming that the status quo will endure. Equally, she can't very well not make any plans for the future because things 'might' change. Staying in some weird limbo where no plans can be made 'until the kids leave home' isn't a great option for anyone (least of all the kids).

The fact you're unhappy she's making plans suggests deep down you've pretty much decided you're done. I think you need to tell her that, rather than letting her believe it might still work.

RRainyDay Tue 07-Feb-17 00:42:37

Do you do any of the below together ?

I am asking, because this could help both of you become more attractive to one another

No specific order

work or earn income
Share household chores
Do you spend time doing things as a family
What do you do for fun
What do you all laugh about
Do you do have "me time" with family or friends outside the home
What do you look forward to
Do you have hobbies that you can share
What is communication like
What do you do to show affection
What do you do to show appreciation
What are the positives

I recently heard, "people who play together, stay together"

HarmlessChap Tue 07-Feb-17 16:54:24

Our hobbies are poles apart, I'm sporty she crafts, but we do still do do a lot together both as a couple and as a family. I'd class us as best friends as opposed to husband and wife, we laugh a lot and get on well, I just don't think she sees me as her lover any longer and she seems to find it uncomfortable if I say she's sexy etc.

Affection from me is by way of hugs and kisses, things in that respect have become better than they were in 2015 where she used to push me away more often than not, but when I say hugs and kisses I don't mean snogging and cuddling that's still rejected.

Despite an effort early part of last year she had fallen back to showing no affection to me, however, having had another frank discussion, we are now at a point where she's said she'll do something each day such as a hug or a kiss, in the hope that eventually it won't feel so uncomfortable. In part that's promising but it's also quite painful to think that she is forcing herself to do something she finds unpleasant in an attempt to train herself to like it, and doesn't do my self esteem any good either.

Adora10 Tue 07-Feb-17 17:09:13

Do not make future plans with her OP, she's trying to smooth over the cracks that are glaringly obvious.

Must be awful, her having try or pretend to show affection; I'd not be happy in that kind of relationship either; I'm afraid it does not look good so do not make future plans, plan for each day as it comes and see if things change.

I'm sorry but I lived in a sexless marriage and I would have done anything to make it work but I thank God I'm not with him anymore.

Ironically he had an affair! And never wanted it with me.

You can try relate but there does come a point where you have to decide if this is what you want for the next 30 years?

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