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Looking at other women. Here we go again.

(117 Posts)
pinkopal Mon 06-Feb-17 09:54:38

Fairly new relationship of a year, all going great so far, both mid-thirties professionals, both completely besotted, no DC, planning a glorious future and yet here I am again.
We went for dinner Friday, seated next to a young couple. He glanced over, and again, and again, and again, so I looked at where all the glances were aimed and lo and behold, pretty 20-ish year old. He clocked that I'd noticed what was going on and quickly made up some rubbish about her looking familiar. Similar happened the last time we were out, this time the girl in question "looked unwell" (she looked fine)

I'm sick of it. One glance fine but repetitive glances and a fake excuse, I'm not a fucking idiot. It has ruined my weekend. It makes me feel like I fall below par. I went through this in my last LTR and he stopped it after a chat, the same chat hasn't worked here. I can't go through it all again. It ruins the night, I feel insecure (without good reason!) and I feel like a fool. Am I overly sensitive?
Why do they do it and how do I handle it?
I imagine I'll get a flock of "but all men do it, it's just the way they are" which isn't a good enough excuse, IMO.

sofato5miles Mon 06-Feb-17 09:55:58

He'll do this forever.

Aoibhe Mon 06-Feb-17 10:01:25

I could put up with one subtle glance (I'll admit to doing this occassionally myself), but repeadedly?? confused This will only get worse as time goes on. No partner deserves that, and you're not being overly sensitive. To be honest, I'd go as far as calling someone who made it that obvious, a total creep. Sorry OP sad

Ladyformation Mon 06-Feb-17 10:04:31

Subtle glance yes, no issues, we're all human.

Repeated glances, making up excuses, doing it again even though you've talked about it? Not acceptable, plenty of men don't do it, you're not being over sensitive. I'd have one more chat and if it happened again that would be that TBH.

pinkopal Mon 06-Feb-17 10:07:04

What gets me is after the last time, I made it clear how I felt about it yet he did it again. Makes you wonder if poor men "can't help it" or if they do it to get a reaction (which I didn't give) A long while ago he mentioned his ex-girlfriend used to vocalise who she found attractive and point out men in the vicinity she would sleep with, was that her retaliation?

EverythingEverywhere1234 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:08:14

How tragic to keep looking over again and again. Does he think you're blind, stupid or both?
He knows how you feel, he has disregarded it. For the sake of a short relationship, I wouldn't bother fighting this battle any longer.

Cricrichan Mon 06-Feb-17 10:10:34

I'd firstly give him a taste of his own medicine and then leave him.

TeethDrama Mon 06-Feb-17 10:13:23

I think someone catching the eye once is ok, even unavoidable sometimes but maybe re than once or making it obvious is not on. You are not being over sensitive, no woman wants their OH to be eyeing up someone when out & about.

I would be annoyed but I don't think it's worth doing anything drastic over just yet. If it happens again I would say (jokingly but meaningfully) "Oi! Keep your eyes off!" Or "Shall I pop over and get her number for you?" You want to retain some dignity about it, I don't think baring all about how insecure it makes you feel etc is going to have an effect also I don't think you should lay out your insecurities for him like that. You are (of course) a gorgeous, attractive, amazing woman who is amused/faintly annoyed by his wandering eye but you aren't actually thinking she is better than you, just different. 🙂

I would save a more serious chat about it for if it happens again and even then, I would couch it as "I don't need to be sat with someone who'd rather be looking elsewhere" rather than "I'm so hurt and feel not good enough for you". It's him with the problem, (very bad manners/insensitivity) not you.

NotTheFordType Mon 06-Feb-17 10:14:28

Maybe all men look, but the majority of them are clued up enough so that when they are out with their partner, they don't keep drooling over another woman like a dog with a fucking bone.

It's just bloody rude.

ImperialBlether Mon 06-Feb-17 10:14:35

Unfortunately, your glorious future with him will always involve you feeling like shit because he's eyeing up other women.

Now would be a really good time to get out. You can't change the way he is. You could stay longer, have children maybe, tie yourself to him and then suffer even more in the future, but what's the point?

He knows how it makes you feel and either he doesn't care about that or he thinks he'll be able to wheedle his way back each time.

GTS Mon 06-Feb-17 10:14:58

No I'm afraid that would be enough for me to want to end things now, if he can't be considerate of your feelings. Plus I'd be majorly embarrassed if I had to be worried about someone feeling uncomfortable because my DP can't stop staring at her, and not forgetting that whoever is with that random pretty stranger might take an exception to his partner being ogled.

Hermonie2016 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:15:56

Definitely all men are not like this.What is he hoping to achieve by constantly looking? It's not respectful and if he was madly in love wouldn't he be more preoccupied with you?

PickAChew Mon 06-Feb-17 10:17:05

The most glorious future you can have does not have this pathetic lech in it.

He is not The One, mostly because you never will be that to him.

TeethDrama Mon 06-Feb-17 10:19:51

Actually, once when I was dating my then boyfriend (now DH 🙂!) we had a disagreement where he was being slightly arrogant and a bit of a knob. I just didn't ring him, didn't respond to his texts and eventually when I did pick up the phone I just said "I cant be bothered with your knobbishness" (or something like that). Turned down a request for a date. Accepted one when I felt like it a week later. It definitely alarmed him more than any lengthy chat about feelings could have done and it really made him think about how he came across sometimes.

user1485102013 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:20:09

If he's doing it so blatantly after only a year together then this is only going to get worse. Not all men do this. It's fine to glance and notice attractive people but to look over and over again is just sleazy and I wouldn't put up with it.

LesisMiserable Mon 06-Feb-17 10:20:53

To look at an attractive thing be it a view, an object or an person is entirely normal. To do it repeatedly is just rude to your partner.

You say you've had a chat. Maybe you just need to say that for his own good he needs to put his manners in check before they cause him to needlessly lose the woman he loves.

Be succinct.

pinkopal Mon 06-Feb-17 10:30:25

I can fully understand the LTB, he'll always do this responses. It has crossed my mind, the fury and disrespect I felt at the time, crossed with my keeping a lid on it almost made me walk out. Perhaps I should have just got up and left the restaurant.
As said above, I don't want to come across as insecure and needy because I'm anything but, all people look at beautiful people, it's the blatant disrespect that irks me. Who the hell do (some) men think they are to be preoccupying their date-time with overt sneaking glances at the poor girl on the next table.

It's embarrassing. He has embarrassed me.

I like the sound of giving him a taste of his own medicine but fear I'm too long in the tooth to be playing games.

Bloopbleep Mon 06-Feb-17 10:36:22

My oh does this. He lies and says he doesn't which makes it more annoying. The thing is I don't really mind him checking out other people as long as it's not constant. It's only natural to look at an attractive face but to lie about it and deny it pisses me off no end. No solution really

shovetheholly Mon 06-Feb-17 10:41:41

My exP did this and I thought all men were like it. DH has never ever done it! You don't have to put up with it.

Adora10 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:54:53

What a creep, the most unattractive trait to have; I'd bin him off for the cheek alone.

Trustyourself2 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:56:24

I would not continue in a relationship with someone who was constantly looking. I went through many years of this with someone and in the end, managed to convince myself that It's just what men do, but it always felt wrong and hurt me very much.

Don't spend years of your life enduring this.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 06-Feb-17 10:57:07

You have already explained to him you don't appreciate him gawping.
A quick look or glance is natural. Repeatedly checking her out or if he's like a dog staring at a bone then wrong, wrong, wrong.

ImperialBlether Mon 06-Feb-17 11:06:26

Do you ever watch any of the dating programmes on TV? It becomes so obvious to the audience when someone is eyeing up another woman. And when they get their phone out on a first date, just to look up something when they could be talking, that's a huge red flag, too.

You might wonder if you're being unreasonable, but anyone watching the two of you would've realised what a dickhead he was.

TheNaze73 Mon 06-Feb-17 11:08:14

Most men are less obvious & more discreet, when they do this

Bicarb Mon 06-Feb-17 11:44:57

I'm a glancer, I wish I weren't sometimes. I actually use it as a barometer for how I feel about someone.

If I'm on a date with someone and I find myself glancing around, it's a sign I'm not that into her.

I've been in love once in my life, and even after the 'honeymoon' period she was the only one I had eyes for.

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