Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
1st night without him..(47 Posts)
So I asked my boyf to leave yesterday after another argument
We've been together 2.5 yrs and we've been trying to work through our problems
He is so moody and it's really started to affect our relationship
He works every day and I always try tell him he needs to slow down a bit as we have no work life balance
As a result he's always very tired and he has little quality time for anything
For him or me
This weekend he couldn't get work so I thought right let's make the most of it
He seemed happy enough so we had a family weekend just us three
Me and my lo who's 5
But after him getting into road rage
His mood went down
We got back to mine and just because my friend came over for a couple of hrs he sulked in the garage
Then the next day when I pulled him up on his mood as I left it that day as so sick of leading to another argument
He woke up after having a lay in til 10 and I was up at 630 with lo
I said to him have a nice lay in as he never gets one and an argument started as I started talking to him about something I saw on fb and he started getting irritated So I said what is up with you?!
Then I got I've just woke up 15 mins ago let me wake up properly first then said you and your friend having a chat in the flat when I'm clearing out your garage !! So he WAS in a mood about that
The plan was we were all going to help clear it out but because he was frosty with my friend and rude to my lo we left him to it
My lo was having a look around the garage and he went ' move move move move move ' so I said don't talk to her like that so when he huffed and puffed we left the garage
Anyway I told him I can't cope with these moods and it leaving an atmosphere
I feel lost and empty and I love him and although I asked him to leave
I felt I didn't have any other choice
I'm in love with him and I want it to work but at the same time the last few weeks I've felt very unloved
Like he doesn't want to be here
Just needed to put it all down as since yesterday morning it's been an nightmare
You poor thing. Two and a half years, and you've been trying to work out your problems?? You should still be in the honeymoon phase! Moody is not good, you will be (if you're not already) be walking on eggshells.
The deal breaker here, for me, is him treating my child that way. I would never tolerate that however much I loved someone. He's best left where he is in my opinion...
I do feel I'm starting to walk on eggshells
Thing is he's fab with her but him talking to my lo like that was very out of character but at this point he was already angry from the road rage an hour or so before that
She was only looking around the garage bless her
His patience is very thin and just lately he huffs and puffs over the slightest thing and it's really making me miserable
When it's good it's great but we can't get though a month without having a horrible argument
I know deep down in my head it's not normal and I deserve better
I just think I've got sucked up with the good side of him but the bads starting to outweigh
Road rage and impatience? It WILL get worse. You will lose your confidence and then you'll find yourself just 'putting up with it'.
Don't be fooled by him, an angry man is just that, it's his personality trait, that and the moods, not a good combination OP. Trust me, I lived with a very angry man who was funny, generous and kind (to everyone but me) but behind closed doors..well the rest is history.
Think long and hard OP. There's a thread very recently where a poster wrote "I will not walk on eggshells in my own home" your home is yours and your DD's sanctuary and 'safe' place, keep it that way.
for youfor DD
And I quote.." nobody is calling me an awful person or making me cry or making me live on eggshells in my own house"
Think I may already there as these are not isolated incidents unfortunately
But yesterday enough was enough
He does have a temper and I just can't communicate with him
Felt very hard asking him to go
But I can't take the atmosphere anymore
It's giving me anxiety
So I know I've done the right thing
Just needed to get some support told my mum and best friend and they've been amazing
Luckily it's the friend who was here so she saw him in action
As feel like it's just me
So to I explain the road rage
We talk most days and if he's in the car as he's in his car often for work
And drives lorries - we will be chatting away and then he will often shout something like
You fucking slut! And I'll be like what are you doing? And he would be shouting at a driver
Then Saturday we were getting into the car and the two cars beside each side of us were both signalling to come out so he was trying to get out before them and when one car went he got irritated so when the next one got out in front of him too ( I would say they were first anyway but hey ho ) he shouted TWAT!! Really loud she really aggressive then drive like an idiot all the way back home
Things like that - that's literally what put him in a mood
Great you've got support. You are well rid. He is showing you who he is, and I can tell you he won't change.
You need to do this for your DD too, she should never be exposed to this kind of behaviour. My ex had the foulest of tempers, and impatient beyond belief, destroyed my confidence and self esteem. Get out now it's the only way..
OFGS, he clearly is unable to control himself, this could lead to other situations where he loses control, not the kind of man I'd want to be around, or my LO!
He has brought this on himself OP, he sounds volatile and totally unpredictable, depending on the situation and him flying off the handle, he's already doing it to you and your wee one, and it's only been 2.5 years! You've dodged a bullet there.
It's so good to hear this advice because I literally think it must be me
I've confided in more people thing time and everyone is saying the same thing
I think I just needed to hear that his behaviour is just not normal and if he's willing to accept that he needs help then that's a different story as when we met he said he went to anger management but I don't think he will change
He's 41 and I think his issues are deep rooted
OP, I grew up in an angry household. My mum and dad used to argue constantly. He'd swear, thump the wheel etc. This was back in the late 50's, early 60's, so not much traffic around. It wasn't aimed at other road users but my mum. He'd say thing like :-
"If the 3 kids weren't in the car I'd drive it into that wall/railway/motorway stanchion".
These horrendous events have stayed with me. I'm 60 next month. I'm terrified on car journeys. I project and that has its own issues. I've never learnt to drive because of this constant fear. I'm a liability to other road users. Enough idiots on the road etc.
Please please don't subject you and your lo to this behaviour. She could be me in 55yrs!
Yoksha that has literally moved me and made me cry...which isn't hard atm
I'm so sorry you had to go though that.
Well I've remained strong and it's been 3days. He's been messaging constantly - not even sorry - just rubbish. I've had to block him from what's app Facebook and my phone.
Also we were in the process of buying a house together
We were due to exchange march sometime
I called and cancelled the house so I feel very proud of myself
I'm devastated heartbroken and I feel empty but I know everyone is right and I'm putting my lo and me first xxxx
Oh OP, you're doing so well for you and your little girl. I have a daughter and if anyone spoke to her or snapped at her like that when she's innocently going about their business they'd be in trouble.
Don't give in, he sounds unpleasant, most people can drive from A to B without calling fellow drivers 'fucking sluts'
Has he actually gone now?
Can't see it getting any better. He needs counselling for his anger.
It's so good you're feeling positive and strong. You've obviously done the exact right thing for you and your lo x
Thank you OP. This just goes to show how selfless you are when you can empathise with another. Don't let this positive aspect of your personality cause the waters to be muddied. Don't let him manipulate you for his benefit.
Yes I asked him to go Sunday
Initially for a break but as things got so worst - just nastiness I told him it's over
So that was Sunday morning
Haven't really heard from him until today
My mobile was in his account so Ive unlinked it today
He was then saying as I've cancelled the house and car there must be someone else now? He's turned nasty so I had no choice to block him
He's coming over Sunday to collect the rest of his things
My lo is getting picked up at 1 by her dad and I'll be leaving then and said to him to come for 115
Thanks for the encouraging and supported words and advice
It's much needed at the mo xxx
He went to anger management when he lost his Temper with me before
Only reason I took him back
I can't give anymore chances
No, you can't give any more, you're absolutely doing the right thing, and who knows how his temper would manifest in the future? Best not to find out! I hope he behaves and picks his stuff up and fucks off like you've asked him to.
*He went to anger management when he lost his Temper with me before
Only reason I took him back
I can't give anymore chances*
No, you can't.
he sounds like an angry stressed workaholic and he is making you and your lo stressed and anxious which is not on. Better to cut your ties.
He isn't likely to change now at his age so you have done the right thing, you shouldn't have to live like that, he isn't worth it.
Just don't know where I've found the strength to get out
I loved him so much and we had just brought a beautiful new house but we can't get through a month without us breaking up. I'm exhausted.
I just feel I've had enough and got some great advice of people
So everyone can't be wrong
So 6th night in and it's been such an emotional rollacoaster of a week
He's taken his stuff and we have gone from arguing to being amicable to arguing - but he's made no real effort to say sorry so I know I've made the right decision
But why is it so hard ? X
It'll get easier. Trust me you've absolutely done the right thing. He sounds similar to my dad with his temper and it's so true, to everyone else they seem lovely but behind closed doors it's a different story. It will NEVER change so you've done the right thing. We (myself and sisters) still fear him. You don't want the same for your daughter.
It will get easier. Time is a healer. I promise.
Sounds like my ex who i split up with 6 months ago. Horrible moody arsey angry entitled chauvanist manipulative prick. Stay strong op you've definitely done the right thing x
Thanks so much everyone
It's everyone on here that has really made me feel reassured that I have definitely done the right thing. Although I feel a bit lonely in a way and miss him in another silly way it hasn't even been a week so trying to give myself time. I've also felt a real sense of calmness and can't believe how different I feel like I'm more relaxed. Even with his shitty contact messages which are just cold like sending me a night message saying
' Night x' isn't even getting to me
I find I'm not even considering replying as the last couple of days we've said let's draw a line under and not get nasty so we've just had a text here and there. But for me even if I got the huge big apology I don't even think I would consider it
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.