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The Affair - One Year On

(84 Posts)
IsNotGold Mon 06-Feb-17 00:03:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mk4 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:03:14


Triskel Mon 06-Feb-17 11:58:09

I'm sorry😞 Your poem is lovely. You might like this one:

For My Lover Upon Returning to his Wife

She is all there.
She was melted carefully down for you
and cast up from your childhood,
cast up from your one hundred favorite aggies.
She has always been there, my darling.
She is, in fact, exquisite.
Fireworks in the dull middle of February
and as real as a cast-iron pot.
Let's face it, I have been momentary.
vA luxury. A bright red sloop in the harbor.
My hair rising like smoke from the car window.
Littleneck clams out of season.
She is more than that. She is your have to have,
has grown you your practical your tropical growth.
This is not an experiment. She is all harmony.
She sees to oars and oarlocks for the dinghy,
has placed wild flowers at the window at breakfast,
sat by the potter's wheel at midday,
set forth three children under the moon,
three cherubs drawn by Michelangelo,
done this with her legs spread out
in the terrible months in the chapel.
If you glance up, the children are there
like delicate balloons resting on the ceiling.
She has also carried each one down the hall
after supper, their heads privately bent,
two legs protesting, person to person,
her face flushed with a song and their little sleep.
I give you back your heart.
I give you permission -
for the fuse inside her, throbbing
angrily in the dirt, for the bitch in her
and the burying of her wound -
for the burying of her small red wound alive -
for the pale flickering flare under her ribs,
for the drunken sailor who waits in her left pulse,
for the mother's knee, for the stocking,
for the garter belt, for the call -
the curious call
when you will burrow in arms and breasts
and tug at the orange ribbon in her hair
and answer the call, the curious call.
She is so naked and singular
She is the sum of yourself and your dream.
Climb her like a monument, step after step.
She is solid.
As for me, I am a watercolor.
I wash off.

by Anne Sexton

IsNotGold Mon 06-Feb-17 15:22:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mk4 Mon 06-Feb-17 16:41:35

Can you say more about how you've survived the year please.
I'm 7 months in from finding out my DH had an affair. We've decided to stay together and work it out. 2 kids aged 5 and 2.
I'm finding it hard though and find myself thinking about nothing else. We go to counselling but still haven't had sex yet as I don't feel ready. He's doing everything he can to make my happy but I still can't help but think "you had an affair!!!"

Any words of wisdom greatly appreciated.


IsNotGold Mon 06-Feb-17 22:41:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K Mon 06-Feb-17 23:11:02


It may help for your DH and any other WS to read this, in order to know how their spouse feels and to help in the recovery.

SandyY2K Mon 06-Feb-17 23:13:57

Another helpful list you can show your WS.

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.
13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.
14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling.
18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

IsNotGold Tue 07-Feb-17 04:59:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsNotGold Tue 07-Feb-17 06:10:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peace0fmind Tue 07-Feb-17 07:26:47

Hello everyone, I've name changed. I've posted on here about my H's infidelity and I'm trying to decide if I should stay or go. Think this thread will be helpful for me so I'm place marking . I'm sorry we are all going through this

IsNotGold Tue 07-Feb-17 07:28:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsNotGold Tue 07-Feb-17 07:30:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K Tue 07-Feb-17 07:50:05


I'd say you're doing well if he's doing all of those and you're ok with the contact they have.

Your list for the BS is very good as well. So often I hear WSs say they were lonely or miserable in the marriage or some other excuse for the affair .... The marriage is hardly likely to be a bed of roses for one and a bed of thorns for the other.

That just means that the WS decided their way to deal with it was to step outside the marriage, due to conflict avoidance, weakness and ultimately selfishness.

Mk4 Tue 07-Feb-17 09:40:21

Thank you IsNotGold and SandyY2K that's helped a lot. He is doing all those things so that does make me feel that we are on the right track.

Sometimes I think this is all happening to someone else or I'm reading a story in a magazine and then I remember it's actually happened to me.
I hate the fact I'll always be able to say "my husband had an affair" not out loud just in my head. I told 2 friends and wished I hadn't. They've got their own lives to lead and can't offer much support. Hate the fact they will always know.

Peace0fmind sorry you are going through this too. It's awful isn't it. For me the first 3 months were the worst. Do you want to tell us your story?
I still have wobbles about whether to stay together or not. It's a hard decision to make. Don't rush anything, take your time.

Peace0fmind Tue 07-Feb-17 12:13:00

Mk4 thanks for acknowledging my post - it means a lot. I stumbled upon my H's secret life when I saw iMessages on his iPad . He denied and denied and denied for weeks. It drove to distraction.
Recently went to GP over anxiety caused by my suspicions of him. She looked back through my notes and saw my medical history of pelvic pain and spotting and suggested, for peace of mind I had STD checks as chlamydia is rife in middle aged population. I went home and asked my H if it was necessary for me to be screened- he couldn't look me in the eyes and just mumbled "yes I'm sorry". He said he'd been having meaningless opportunistic sex when working away.
I'm in bits.

CatyB Tue 07-Feb-17 12:16:06

I thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience on this one. It is helpful.

Peace0fmind Tue 07-Feb-17 12:21:14

CatyB are you going through this too?

Mk4 Tue 07-Feb-17 12:42:14

Peace0fmind oh my goodness you poor thing how awful. How long ago did you find out? How is your health now?
I hope he's owned up and told you everything. Xxx

Mk4 Tue 07-Feb-17 12:43:48

CatyB how are you? Do you want to share your story and we can all support each other.

Peace0fmind Tue 07-Feb-17 13:24:32

I found the messages in October but it wasn't until January he admitted he'd been unfaithful . He won't tell me any details- just it was meaningless.i discovered he'd been on a website for casual sex a few years ago but he said he was just curious and not met up with anyone.
Got STD appointment next week

Peace0fmind Tue 07-Feb-17 13:26:53

Do you have a good day followed by a bad day MK4? My mood changes hour by hour at the moment

Peace0fmind Tue 07-Feb-17 13:28:59

SandyY2k I've seen your posts a lot on relationships and you give very good,comforting advice

Mk4 Tue 07-Feb-17 14:43:49

I feel for you that he won't give you details. That's so cruel. You deserve to know the truth.
In the beginning each day felt like a week and each week like a month. It was awful.
Yes I'd feel positive one minute then want to end it the next minute. I told him twice we were over as I just couldn't cope with what he'd done.
It was the usual story "I thought he could never do that to me!"
He had an affair with someone he worked with when he was travelling with work. Slept with her twice and it lasted a month. I sensed something wasn't right and looked at his phone and knew straight away. He admitted it but it took a while for all the details to emerge.

Mk4 Tue 07-Feb-17 15:09:10

IsNotGold sorry I hope you don't think we've hijacked your thread. Please say if you want me to start another one.

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