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I want to know about his past

(20 Posts)
MissJSays Sun 05-Feb-17 23:04:09

Me and my DP have been together for 2 years. We are extremely happy together and are very much in love.

From the beginning he hasn't wanted to share details about his past relationships. We are both young (21 and 24) and he has told me his other relationships haven't been serious. He's told me he's never brought anyone home before me to meet parents etc. I know he's had 4 sexual partners before me but he won't tell me anything about them! The most I know is that one girl he was seeing on/off for a year but they were never actually together.

I have been really open with him about my past, but similarly, none of my previous relationships have been anything serious.

I know he has these people on Facebook. It's not a trust issue as I trust him 100% but it's just the fact they can see me via his posts and pictures, and I have no idea who they are! I feel like they can see me and I can't see them if that makes sense.

I have brought it up in the past and it just ends up in a semi argument. He doesn't get why I want know, he thinks it's odd that I care. I'm honestly just so curious!🕵🏼‍♀️

I'm just wondering if it's normal for me to feel really frustrated by this? Or am I in the wrong for wanting to know? Like I said it's not a trust thing, we're both really happy and I trust him completely. Sounds daft but I really wanna see what they look like, know what they do etc.
Feel free to tell me if you think I'm crazy!

Justmuddlingalong Sun 05-Feb-17 23:09:58

The over use of the word 'trust' in your post is very telling.

HighbrowEyebrow Sun 05-Feb-17 23:15:39

Sounds like he has very little past to tell you about.

I think you should try to let it drop. He doesn't want to talk about them. I would take that at face value - they're in the past. Focus on the relationship you have now. Sounds like you want to get to know your boyfriend better - so do it by talking to him directly, not trying to analyse his exes.

HecateAntaia Sun 05-Feb-17 23:16:41

I think you're crazy.


No, not really. I think it's normal to be curious.
My husband was engaged before.

You want crazy?

I practically stalked the woman. I wouldnt go to brighton * because they'd gone there. Have you ever seen those films where someone gets tied to a chair and a light in their face and asked questions?..
... my husband.
i was a fucking pillock.
But i was young and stupid and it seemed to matter.
Now im older and, im not going to say wiser cos, well, that's never going to happen so let's go with apathetic 😁.. i wouldnt care if he'd banged a hundred women before we'd met.

Anyway. To cut through the waffle he's with you because he wants to be. Don't obsess about his past relationships. If he wants to have that privacy that's ok.

* i think it was brighton. I cant properly remember now. Forgotten her name too. I hope it's security and not senility 😂

BurntAroundTheEdges Sun 05-Feb-17 23:48:17

If you trust him, it really shouldn't matter. I suppose it's human nature to be curious though. Sometimes I wonder what my boyfriends ex girlfriends look like - are they prettier than me etc but that was just a passing thought when we first got together. We never talk about ex's only if we are talking about something specific like 'one of my ex's used to drive a car like that' (just an example) but that has only happened once or twice.
I think if you keep over thinking it you will drive yourself mad and end up looking for clues about who they are on Facebook or doing other silly things and I'm afraid that could possibly affect your relationship.
What exactly do you want to know about his ex's anyway?

TokenGinger Sun 05-Feb-17 23:50:58

You can tell that you are very young. This would annoy the shit out of me. The fact you mention trust so much tells me you do not trust him.

The only reason you would be so driven to see these exes are because you are so insecure within yourself and you want to compare.

Don't do that to yourself. Accept that he has a past. As you get older and have more partners, this will matter less and less to you. Let it be. He's with you, not them. It really is not important. Especially not important enough to cause arguments.

TheNaze73 Mon 06-Feb-17 07:34:45

Everyone is entitled to a past & its up to him, just how little or much he shares. I'd drop it personally, you sound obsessed

Maverickismywingman Mon 06-Feb-17 07:37:21

Personally, I think all that matters is the future. So I would let your partner have his privacy, because your quest to find out about his past could very well drive a wedge between you.

Bluntness100 Mon 06-Feb-17 07:42:26

I think this is an insecurity issue rather than a trust one. You say you want to see what they look like and what they do.

Why? What if you perceive them as more attractive or successful than you? Will that help your relationship? Will it help you? How will you feel? Will you start monitoring any communications he has with them? Effectively press the destruct button?

Just let it go. It doesn't matter who he was with before.

glassspider Mon 06-Feb-17 08:20:28


I agree with PP's who say you should try and let it drop. It's his business, not yours, and if you do find out who his exes are, and perceive them to have anything you don't (eg I used to obsessively worry that former DP/H's exes were prettier, cleverer, more fun, more outgoing, better in bed than me etc etc ) it could just lead to more problems and upset for you both down the line. I know if I was ever badgered for details about my exes, I would end up saying the wrong thing which would cause more problems!

I guess i'm trying to say, fine to be curious, just don't pursue it too much or demand details from your bf, what he shares about his past is up to him.

KatieScarlett Mon 06-Feb-17 08:22:19

I think it's respectful of him not to discuss his exes. One day you might be one of them, how would you feel if he was talking about you to his new GF?

ShatnersWig Mon 06-Feb-17 08:23:01

Let this drop. Because keep it up and you may find you'll soon be his 5th ex-sexual partner.

MissJSays Mon 06-Feb-17 09:25:15

Hecate that made me laugh, I think we could be friends IRL😂
I agree with what some of you said about feeling like I have to measure up to them. It is just my own insecurities and noseyness mixed together.
The only reason I emphasised the trust thing is because I knew people would immediately presume I wanted to know because I didn't trust him.
The reason I sound young is because I am young and inexperienced, I acknowledge this. Feel like the consensus is its normal to want to know, but he doesn't want to tell me and I have to accept that.
Thanks for all the replies x

HecateAntaia Tue 07-Feb-17 07:42:00


glad you're feeling a bit reassured by all the replies.

SandyY2K Tue 07-Feb-17 07:54:34

I think you should let his past be just that and focus on the present and the future.

Chops2016 Tue 07-Feb-17 08:23:02

This is not normal and would really annoy me. Nobody likes to talk about exes, it's the past and doesn't matter. He's entitled to a past and entitled to have some privacy and not have to talk about it.

His exes are exes for a reason. How they look and what they do are irrelevant (and are no indication of the type of person they are, either).

When you say you feel like they know who you are on social media but you don't know them.. That's the same for all his non-mutual friends surely? Does that make you uncomfortable as well?

I think you need to work on your insecurities or you will end up pushing him away. This kind of behavior is offputting and will get very boring very fast!

corythatwas Tue 07-Feb-17 11:34:54

it is about your insecurities, and quite honestly I think you need to accept that those are yours to deal with

it would be absolutely exhausting for him to feel that he had to carry that or that you were constantly trying to ferret around his past and needing reassurance

insecure needy people are very tiring to be around; don't give him the signal that this is what he's letting himself in for

yes, it may be that all his exes were more beautiful and more glamorous and more successful than you

so what? you are the one he has chosen to be with. so give him some credit for that choice. don't punish him for not having anticipated you years in advance.

cartismandua Tue 07-Feb-17 12:08:36

You are anxious and distrustful like I was but then I decided to work on these things: the past happened and is gone - I wasn't there; I will decide to trust and do it until proved otherwise so as not to mess up what we have now; we can't read each others minds and there are things we will never know about each other or the origins of the universe, we can still be happy without knowing chapter and verse. So stop sabotaging your relationship.

AmandaK11 Tue 07-Feb-17 12:20:25

If you are focusing on this too much, you will end up creating a problem soon enough. Drop it now.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 07-Feb-17 12:25:52

Just because you chose to be indiscreet about your previous relationships does not create a contract where he now has to do the same.

Facebook may be more of a problem for you than your bf's past. Please don't try to compete with the superficial gloss that people post there.

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