I think my marriage is falling apart

[DauntlessDivergent]

N/c

We have been together 15 years married for 5. We have 3 dcs 11 4 and 1.

I've been so stressed lately trying to be a mum wife and student nurse. I am behind on everything coursework studying housework laundry. The house is a complete disaster. Small 2 bed flat with no room to swing a cat and no matter how much I tidy it just gets cluttered and cluttered. We have no money. I have been so unhappy lately. I want to move but we can't afford a mortgage. But i dont want to decorate this one because I hate it. But I also hate living in a shit hole.

DH just plods along. I thought he was quite happy with how things were he never seems bothered. He does the dishes every night. Tonight while doing them he was banging about I'm a right mood then said something like this house is going to give me a breakdown one day. I asked him what he meant by that then he started ranting oh so youre the only one with any emotions in this house youre the only one who is allowed to be upset. Then he stormed out and hasn't spoken to me since.

I know this sounds like a one off incident but it makes mw think that if he's so unhappy and I'm so unhappy we are going to end up apart. Every time I try to talk to him about things that make me unhappy he it ends in an argument him telling me I'm ungrateful for what we have (the dcs) and that I shouldn't live my life by other people's standards. Basically everything is fine and I have nothing to make me unhappy.

I would love to go to relationship councelling to see if that would get him listening to me. But we can't afford it and even if we could I don't think he'd go

[SandyY2K]

You have lots going on, but you need to set aside time for your coursework if you're going to pass.

Go to the library and study, because in a two bed with three kids, things will be tight.

I know you are where you are, but when you were having the 3rd, child, you must have known space would be tight.

Plus trying to study with a 1 year old must be rather stressful.

I think something is definitely going to give with you or with your husband. The home environment is so stressful, that an escape will seem like a welcome break.

Timetable you will study time. Get the older kids to do little chores to help around the house and try to do something relaxing to clear your head. You do sound very frustrated with it all.

[ImpetuousBride]

Do you have parents or PILs who could help with childcare so you get more study time?
Maybe it's just a rough period for both of you, and the stress of falling behind everything is seriously affecting your marriage. Presumably once you graduate your overall income will be better and you could rent or even buy a bigger place? Try to stay focused on your priorities and get as much help from DH, family and friends as you can.

[DauntlessDivergent]

Yes I have loads of help but everyone works so I don't have regular help iyswim. My mum does what she can and I don't like to ask mil too much because she takes my neices and nephew's a lot so I don't like to put any more onto her. But she would take them the odd time I've asked.

The baby is up during the night a lot if she's in her cot so I tend to just take her in the bed so I get a better sleep for uni the next day so DH sleeps on the couch. We haven't slept in the same bed for over a month.

[DauntlessDivergent]

Some of our placement opportunities are in rural areas. I'm considering fucking off for 6 weeks to a remote location and hiding away. I keep thinking about it but in my heart of hearts I know I couldn't leave the kids that long😢

I would miss them terrible and I would just worry that DH wasn't stepping into my role well enough.

[Cakingbad]

DH just plods along. He sounds like a good man trying to make the best of a hard life. It can't be easy sleeping on the couch. It can't be easy in that flat for either of you. Neither of you are to blame if you sometimes have a grump. Could you ask DM or DMIL to have the kids for a night while you two go away? You need to sit down together and work out how you can make your life easier for the next year or two .

[FlyWaxSleepRepeat]

Was your 1 y/o planned? You must have had some discussion about how work and studying and home life would tick over if so?

I'm asking in a non-snarky way btw, more of a - did you have a plan, but now that baby is here you're so caught up in being busy and exhausted you can't see the wood for the trees kind of thing?

[Hermonie2016]

I think both of you are likely to feel low.Cramped living conditions makes everyone feel more on edge.

Your dh sounds like a good guy who has been the cheerleader for you in the past but maybe his optimism is also running thin.
If both of you are in a bad place then the marriage will suffer.

With a baby I suspect life won't get much easier for a couple of years so you need to think of how you can both support each other.
It's easy to be pessimistic but if you cant change your circumstances you will have to try to change the way you feel about it.

[DauntlessDivergent]

No its a fair question. I really wanted to have a third baby and DH wanted to do it right away (didn't want another 7 year age gap like last time) so the plan was to have the third baby right away and make do until I finish uni then try and buy a house.

But since having dc3 it's been quite rocky financially and we are getting more and more in debt and I've not got one of my debts been passed to a debt collector. So it's unlikely we will be able to buy a house now so are probably going to be living like this for a long time. Dd1 is completely miserable she has no space at all she shares with her 4 year old brother and she suffers from migraines she can't even get peace and quiet when she's not feeling well.

[DauntlessDivergent]

Now got one of my debts passed to a debt collector

[pocketsaviour]

Well if you can't afford a mortgage then the hit to your credit record is not really an issue.

Are you currently renting? Are you claiming everything you're entitled to in terms of tax credits, etc? Could you get a HB top up that might make moving to a 3-bed (rented) feasible?

I think if you aren't sleeping together, and aren't making an effort to replace that night-time closeness (not necessarily sexual, just cuddling up) with some time during the day, then it's easy for one or both of you to feel rejected and taken for granted.

Are there some days when you don't have to be up early? Could you ask your DH tonight, "I really miss sleeping with you, will you stay in bed with me tonight?"

[DauntlessDivergent]

We will be able to afford a mortgage when I finish uni. Actually we could probably afford a mortgage now just we won't get one because we only have one income. DH doesn't earn enough to be able to buy a 3 bed on his own iyswim.

[DauntlessDivergent]

We don't qualify for anything other than child benefit and some child tax credits.

[Bct23]

You haven't really helped yourselves with hindsight introducing a third child in what sounds like an already chaotic life.

I think it will continue like this until you sort your housing situation out so he needs to cut you some slack to get the studying done and you need to cut him some because nobody is perfect and to be honest I think your living arrangements would test anyone's patience

[BToperator]

Unless there is more to it than what you have written here, it doesn't sound like there is a problem in your marriage, more that you are both knackered and worn down with a young family and money worries. If that is the case I wouldn't make any long term decisions about anything now. It sounds like your finances, will improve when you qualify. Things will naturally get easier as the DC get older, so it may be that for now you just need to hang in there, and keep on muddling through. In the meantime, you and your DH need to try and be kind to each other, as it sounds like you are both struggling, understandably so.

[DauntlessDivergent]

I am just so sick of dhs apathy. I'm sick of the way he just plods along with life doing absolutely nothing to make anything better.

He literally goes to work, comes home from work. Sometimes cooks but mostly not. Does the dishes. Goes a run. Goes in a shower. Puts ds to bed. Makes his bed on the couch. That's his life. And he would do that every day for the rest of his life.

I can't do everything by myself it's killing me. But when I tell him this he says he does more than enough and I'm deluded if I think I do everything myself. he says I'm like a broken record complaining about things that aren't a problem and I should stop living my life by other people's standards.

[Orlandointhewilderness]

TBH I think he sounds like a good man. The poor guy has to sleep on the sofa every night! Yes, YOU may get a good nights sleep but I bet he doesn't. I think that instead of getting him to listen to you, you should maybe try listening to him. Some people do just attempt to make the best of a bad situation, it isn't apathy it is getting on with things that hopefully will change soon if you finish uni. Which is a barking thing to do with a 1 year old!

[Itsjustaphase2016]

I don't think your marriage is over...it's just your situation is SHIT and you feel trapped, and your DH, knowing you can't to anything about at present, appears to accept it and remain in the rut (but is, deep down, as frustrated as you.) I was in your shoes not so long ago. Small 2 bed flat, 3 kids, and trying to study. DH plodded along, never complaining and appeared content with sleeping on top of a load of junk, and living in a broom cupboard. He wasn't content obviously, but in typical male fashion he repressed his frustration massively. Finally I just DID something about it. I quit being a student and so we had more money (no more childcare bills and uni fees etc etc). We moved to a house in a different cheaper (but lovely area). We now have loads of space and our quality of life is just brilliant. Our whole relationship feels completely different..as we are both really really happy.

[Itsjustaphase2016]

Be nice to each other, and get out together in the evenings, even if just for a few cheap drinks. It will. Real the rut and give you a chance to share your hopes for the future, so you can go forward, united in your aims for a brighter family life!

[ILoveDolly]

The circumstances sound very stressful and I think maybe your dh is not plodding along but trying to be supportive in the way he knows how. Perhaps asking him how he feels might get him to open up more. Things left unsaid are more damaging in the long term than a good heart to heart about how crap everything is right now. You kind of need to be a team right now. I'd suggest you try to make some space for him in his bed too. Studying with kids is so hard, best of luck

[DauntlessDivergent]

I know you are all saying there's nothing he can do but surely there's so much he could do. He could help out more in the house tidy up (or even just not make such a mess in the first place)

Instead of spending all the Saturday and Sunday glued to sky sports he could fix things about the house or do some painting or decluttering. Sometimes at the weekend I'll ask him to get up with dd so I can have a lie in. But I always regret it because the house is a disaster when I get up then it puts me in a bad mood the rest of the day. He never takes the kids out to let me get studying done. I take them all out at the weekend to different places sometimes we meet up with friends sometimes I take them to my mums or soft play or shopping or whatever. He lies about watching TV.

If I ask him to do stuff you'd think I was asking for a kidney. So mostly I just do everything myself it's easier than asking him to help or come.

He could go see the mortgage advisor to see how much if anything he would get. After another week crying because we got knocked back for yet another council house I asked him if he would do this. He responded with yeah ok then. This was over a month ago. He's not even so much as looked up the man's phone number.

[Orlandointhewilderness]

Well that does put a different spin on it, in your first posts you didn't mention that. Yes, not good and I think I would be having a frank discussion about it.

[Dadaist]

OP - you are both under stress from the obvious struggles of bringing up a young family. It sounds tome as though you've just lost some connection with your DH. He works hard, comes home and helps out. You seem to want him to transform your lives when he is just trying to get from the inbox to the outbox every day. What you seem to expect is that he will come up with a cunning plan to transport you to the life you've always wanted? Well, It seems to me that you need to see that you are both in this, you are better for having him around and perhaps it's tough for him too. I think the worst thing you can do is devalue what you have because there is a better future do you if you can try and be mutually supportive.
And don't underestimate the transformation in a DH who feels loved and appreciated - it really can be empowering and gibe him the energy and confidence to take life on. Your sense of disappointment will have exactly the opposite effect.
Maybe try and reconnect emotionally- see what you have in each other again and give each other the love, the space and the conference to make things better?

[Dadaist]

*confidence

[DauntlessDivergent]

I know for sure I'm not perfect by any means and I know that there's so much I could do better. I think I'm quite a good mum but i dont think I'm a very good wife. I am so wrapped up in the dcs and trying to balance running the house and doing uni work I'm not really a wife at all let alone a good one. I'm not really anybody.

[pog100]

Don't be ridiculous, you are doing a bloody hard job very well under very very trying conditions with seemingly unequal help from your partner. You are definitely somebody! I think this thread hasn't been nearly supportive enough of you. It's clear that you are shouldering too much and he too little.