Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I chose to leave the man I have loved for 7 years becuase he hasn't grown with me(77 Posts)
I was with him for 7 and a half years and for the duration of the relationship I always felt loved. I could see it when he looked at me ..he gave me everything I asked for..even things I wanted that I didn't ask for. He used to write me love poems with my breakfast and every card he gave me was hand drawn and beautiful (made me cry so many times). They are now in two big wooden glass frames and look incredible. He took me on spontanious holidays (Paris in Dec 16) and knew me inside and out. Hes gorgeous, body to die for, strong, intelligent, sensitive and caring.
He was my first ever love and it felt so amazing for 7 years having those feelings mirrored back to me.
But ... there is always one right ... he was a strict vegetarian (his water has to say suitable for vegetarians otherwise he won't touch it ) and he did not like to be disagreed with. This meant..no meals out..no takeaways...no going out for a drink (he drinks no alcohol) no socialising with my friends or his..no clubbing ..no going out for a coffee etc etc. He would say to me that he would only say something if he knew he was right. So I was always arguing with him because i never accepted what he was saying. That made me the idiot.
I'm a strong minded person who can't just accept something that doesn't makes sense..especially if I believe im right. We argued quite a lot..over stupid things..once over a fly ..another over spilt popcorn ..literally spilt..popcorn.. because I'm saying it's no big deal and he's saying I'm selfish.
Anyway he decided when we were in dubai to tell me that he doesn't want kids...but if he had them he wants them to be with me. .. also he doesn't want to get married because that what old people do.
But my issue was that with all this going on... he did nothing adult in our lives together. By that I mean... didnt manage the bills..didnt cook..didnt go shopping and tidy up or clean anything. He didn't drive and got mad at me when I slept instead of picking him up from the train stain 0.6 miles away at 10:40pm when I had to be up for work at 5:30am.
He would go back to his parents house from a Friday to a Monday and his mom would cook, clean up after him wash his clothes and buy his food (he's 32 now). I have spoken to him multiple times about helping me .. but he is happy to eat cereal three times a day out of one cup.
He brings food from his moms house back to ours ..that bugs me.
The straw that broke the camels back was buying a house ...he was happy to search online for the house and give me cash for a deposit and rent (although he didn't pay rent or bills consistently when we lived together ..he just told me to take it..again clearing him of responsibility) but he said he doesn't want to be part of the mortgage application because....he doesn't like doing those kinds of things...I went alone. Everything alone.
He does nothing adult in his life but go to work and that's only 6 hours a week as he is self employed..he doesn't like people telling him what to do.
So long story short .... despite how much we said we loved each other .. it wasn't enough for me because he didn't want to take responsibility for any of the things that adult life brings. I have been doing it all alone for the past 7 years. And despite all of this... I still love him massively and can't imagine not knowing him. But I had to leave love and being loved because he did not grow with me and isn't adult enough.
So it's true .. love doesn't cure everything..That's not what you strive for in a long term relationship. The most important thing, for me anyway is that the person can drive, manage finances , cook, clean and not be reliant on his mother to do his washing and make his dinner every night. Someone who I can trust to support me in life and to make me feel safe and secure..someone to share my adult difficulties with and not do everything alone ... you don't need love for that.
It's heartbreaking...especially as Disney has always taught me that love conquers all. (I'm 27)
Sounds like you have done the right thing and it will get easier with time.
Don't blame you. It's all very well to have ideals but that doesn't mean that you can't compromise or live in the real world and be responsible for yourself. And it's very easy for him whilst his mum cooks for him, he doesn't need a mortgage and needs only to work six hours a week because other people are looking after him.
I love cooking and looking after kids. I'm absolutely brilliant at that. Imagine if that's all I did and left the cleaning up and all the other bits that go into cooking and childcare to other people? He's doing exactly the same.
No matter how much you love someone & they love you back....if he isn't an adult & effectively sharing life with you, then no matter how much you try to tell yourself you love him.... it just won't work.
I'm sorry it didn't work out for you but you'll be happier when you do find someone who will happily share the responsibly with you.
He's all icing; no cake. Or, as my DF would say, "aw fur coat and nae knickers". Lovely cards and trips to Paris but you can't go out with friends or rely on him to clean up.
As you get older, and further from Disney, you need more of the everyday stuff and less of the fancy bullshit.
Next bloke, make sure you find one that can cook, clean and manage money. Some of them might also take you to Paris.
Definitely done the right thing.
He might grow up and enter the real world one day, but I wouldn't hold my breath.
A cocklodger who can draw is still a cocklodger. You're well shot of him. Give yourself a week or two to mourn the relationship, then start enjoying your freedom: eat a burger, order a takeaway, get wasted and reconnect with friends.
Why couldn't you go out with friends??
He spent all weekends getting waited on by his mum and never lifted a finger? He freeloaded off everyone and wouldnt work? He was always right?
I dont think I get it..I cant understand what you saw in him!
I am sure that when you find a functional adult male to have an actual relationship with it will hit you how little you settled for and you will not miss him at all.
Sometimes love isn't enough to make it work. I think you'll look back on this one day with a huge sigh of relief and also pride that you alone have begun to understand yourself and take care of yourself better. When you can do that and you find someone who can do the same then you can go on to have a truly enriching life that goes beyond the mundane of bills. You made the right decision and well done!! Plenty of grownup men fish out there. They cook their own food buy their own house and run their own companies! !
Please tell me that you didn't actually think love would conquer all, just because of a few kids films, now you're 27?
Even my 7 year old has figured out they're not real life.
TBH, I'm struggling to see why you love him anyway. He sounds like a total cock.
Seriously, read it back and try to pretend it's not you.
Not even being able to go out for a coffee?
Fucking off back to mummy all the time?
Yeah, hand drawn cards sounds nice, but I'm not seeing much else there that would make me fall in love!
A bird might love a fish, but where would they build a home.
You've done the right thing, and I hope you are okay.
I sounds controlling and a mummy's boy all in one. Ie. Controls what you could and couldn't do, but didn't take responsibity either. He's 32, not nineteen!
All the best to you in the future.
Brave, well done.
I did it, huge wrench but the right thing to do ultimately, looking back, definitely the right thing.
I began to resent my relationship, life with an unambitious man child, that's not a good grounding for life kinda thing.
I often wonder where he is, what he is doing. In my heart of course I know he is doing what he always did, which is of course is fuck all.
Good on you, all the best for your exciting future xx
I don't know how you lasted together for 7 years. Love just isn't enough. What would happen if you were ill or if you ever needed rescuing?
His is a very extreme case of not growing up and sadly a mother like his is simply enabling him, by washing his clothes and all the rest. He should have learnt these basic life skills when he was growing up.
His mother may see what she's doing as a sign of love, but it's just hindering his adult development and it makes him appear like he has a much lower mental age.
If you re-read what you have written, all the reasons for liking him sound romanticised and the sort of thing you might read about as the hero of a romantic novel, while the reasons for disliking him sound grounded in reality and the sort of thing that might cause a problem when having a long term relationship. I think you have correctly identified that you have grown up and he hasn't, and now is a good time for you to move on and find a grown up adult man who can give you what you need. Good luck 🍀
It's nice to be nice.
But you need a grown up, not a child.
None of this free spirit bollocks.
I'd also agree you did the right thing, you may love him now but you'd have grown to hate and resent him. He sounds like an immature narcissist and possibly his parents bear some responsibility for that. No one wants to stay with a man child who doesn't work, doesn't want a mortgage, doesn't want kids, doesn't want marriage, can't do his own laundry, can't pay bills and insists his way is the right way, no cooking, no cleaning, with a total lack of empathy or support for what his partner wants.
I'm failing to see why being veggie stops him going out or having takeaways though. I'm also failing to see what was lovable about him if I'm brutally honest.
when you say he didn't drive do you mean he'd passed his test but refused to drive or he refuses to learn full stop?
I won't even go on a date with a man who can't drive.
You did the right thing.
7 years isn't that long in the grand scheme of things so don't worry that you've wasted your life on him.
Well done OP. You have opened up your future to a whole world of possibility. Perhaps before you jump back in pause & reflect on what allowed you to settle for so little. If you need some counselling to dig deeper & prevent the sane thing happening again, it would be money well spent.
Oh my god..... he sounds like an utter nightmare. Cant believe you stayed with him for so long. Absolutely done the right thing.
Thank you everyone for the messages they have been really helpful.
I know deep-down I have done the right thing and you guys are right that from the outside looking in its like... what is good about him. But when you are in that bubble ...it's hard to see it. No Kids and No marriage burst that bubble for me and I fell hard! Broke me really because at the time the other things didn't bother me as much....I know I know I sound like a right fool! Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Ellisandra yes I do..(did) believe that..also based on my parents..grandparents and great grandparents relationships.i thought that when you love a person you fight those obstacles together...compromise together becuase you love that person. .. I don't think I was being unreasonable to think that those changes/compromises might happen becuase he loves me.
Also someone always dies in Disney..I get that life lesson ha! ....I'm mature promise
My life was like living the single life in public and being in a relationship in private. He didn't like social situations such as drinks, dinner, parties, weddings..funerals. I would go out with friends and their boyfriends and be the single one..awkward becuase i would give excuses as to why I was alone again or why none of my close friends and family knew him.
He has his own business which only required him to work as many or little hours as he wanted.
Bananalanacake- he only has a motorbike licence ..has a motorbike ..doesn't ride it. There is £500 sitting in a pot that his parents gave him when he was 18 to go and take driving lessons. He just doesn't want to. ...I don't get why not.
Bluntness100- if he can't read the ingredients and it doesn't say suitable for vegetarians or vegans he won't eat it. You don't usually get that from a takeaway or resturant.
I guess where I am now is that for future relationships ..whether you love someone or not isn't important. The practical things about that person for me will be a priority .. it's sad but true. You can grow to love someone right?
I guess where I am now is that for future relationships ..whether you love someone or not isn't important. The practical things about that person for me will be a priority .. it's sad but true. You can grow to love someone right? I'm rolling my eyes right now.
You do understand that their are functional men out there who you can fall in love with. Hold out for someone who does the dishes and makes your heart beat faster.
Have Disney films and Twilight really taught young women that love and not-being-an-immature-twat are mutually exclusive?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.