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Women who "have it all"

(261 Posts)
GetAGlance Sun 05-Feb-17 16:13:21

I've always been a bit "off centre". Led an unconventional, sometimes interesting life, you could say. But also quite a difficult one. Men have been occasionally interesting but zero support. The same with family.

Anyway, I am now living in a slightly different mileau (more middle class, suburban), and I am noticing for the first time, looking round, quite "sorted" women. By this I mean women who have married well to good men they love who are emotionally caring and financially responsible. Imagine! I am guessing they just they seemed to know what they wanted from an early age - marriage, children, etc. And then went about it the right way (rather than sadness, difficulty and drama). Sometimes it feels a bit strange being in their company, almost as if I am a black sheep (single mother etc), or at least feeling very different.

Anyway, these are new, sometimes uncomfortable, feelings to me, and I am wondering what to make of them. I feel hesitant to post this, but anyone comprendez?

GetAGlance Sun 05-Feb-17 16:14:44

ps I didn't mean have-it-all in the career/family sense, though some do, more seem to have clearly chosen what they want.

danTDM Sun 05-Feb-17 16:16:24

I have to dash out now OP but you are not mad! I TOTALLY understand what you mean smile

MerryRealisation Sun 05-Feb-17 16:16:54

The one thing I would say is that's what they are showing on the surface. It might be a different matter if you scratch below. Believe me, I know!

JayzuzMaryJoseph Sun 05-Feb-17 16:20:49

Nobody has it all. Honestly. From the outside many do, but nobody does.

Yes, some people end up with the trappings of a middle class life. We have. But beneath the surface, e have had to deal with various levels of bullshit too behind the scenes. And honestly...anyone I have ever got close enough to to ono about their skeletons, I can say the same for them - no matter how charmed their lives appear to be.

Anothermoomin Sun 05-Feb-17 16:27:32

I have a bit of a thing cos people - women - say this to me. Now.

My DP is definitely a 'beta' personality, he is funny, kind, supportive and is an involved hands on dad, he is not a cool romantic hero type.

When we got together in our early twenties several friends said or implied "why are you with him he is a nerd/quiet etc, I prefer a bad boy" usually followed by a patronising smirk.

So fast forward he changed nappies, got up in the night, took days off when the kids were sick, supported my career and NOW female friends tell me " I am lucky to have him".

My kids are well adjusted and loving, my career is satisfying, my relationship is strong. It's not a fucking accident. I choose someone who would help me not some cool ' bad boy'. Anyway, rant over.

( he is also amazing in bedwink)

fernandotherplants Sun 05-Feb-17 16:39:39


Sparklingbrook Sun 05-Feb-17 16:42:30


AgentProvocateur Sun 05-Feb-17 16:51:09

OP, I "have it all" in the sense you mean. I've been out with share of men who drank too much, lied and cheated but I left the first time it happened and didn't stick around to see if there would be a second time. I met DH at uni, and I could tell from his personality and his relationship with his family and friends what sort of husband and dad he would be.

We have had our ups and downs over the years like anyone, but we've been together for over 30 years now and are very much in love. Like a PP said - it's not an accident or good luck other than the fact that I had enough confidence and self esteem to not settle for a waste of time.

GetAGlance Sun 05-Feb-17 16:51:19

its nice when the first post you read has some semblance of understanding (danTM). it will be interesting to see where this thread goes ... its something thats bothered me for a while. Anothermoonin who has it all sounds so angry, maybe there is hope for us all! but there is sadness in my post ...

GetAGlance Sun 05-Feb-17 16:54:59

[crying now]

GetAHaircutCarl Sun 05-Feb-17 16:55:16

This is an interesting idea.

I am in a long relationship with an exceptionally decent man who has helped me parent my DC to almost adulthood ( they are 17).

I hope DD has seen what sort of man he is and will seek out someone similar.

I want her to avoid all the usual pit falls from players to gamblers to princelings.

But I also want her to avoid men who won't support her on equal terms. I'm sick of seeing fabulous women reduced to little more than housewives.

pieceofpurplesky Sun 05-Feb-17 16:56:56

OP this was me. Like the other posters I had what seemed a great life. I married a man who was loving and kind and supportive. People would tell me I was lucky. 16 years later he had an affair and left. Not the first one. He was emotional abusive in the end and totally broke me.
I would never ever have thought the man I thought I married was like that!

misscph1973 Sun 05-Feb-17 16:57:16

I know what you mean, I married a bad boy, and at times I do wish I had married someone a little more boring!

But you know what, I fell in love with my DH, and I was young. It's so easy to say in hindsight, but I stand by the choices I made, and it couldn't have been any different. I was not a very mature young person, tbh.

I'm a different person now, and so is my DH. It would not have been possible for me to marry someone I simply wasn't attracted to. We have had some very difficult times, but it seems that we have both finally grown up (both mid forties).

Heatherjayne1972 Sun 05-Feb-17 16:58:43

No one 'has it all '
My friend earns mega bucks as does her husband she travels on business and holidays big house designer clothes several posh cars etc etc
But - she hardly spends time with her children doesn't get to do the school run everything seems to be a mad rush to balance it all and she breaks down under the stress
On the outside she looks like superwoman but it takes a huge toll

GetAHaircutCarl Sun 05-Feb-17 17:02:10

heather the thread is about good husbands/partners.

Not about women when have the temerity to work.

knowler Sun 05-Feb-17 17:02:47

Heh @ heatherjayne - "doesn't get to do the school run". Where do I sign up?!

Crumbs1 Sun 05-Feb-17 17:06:24

I definitely have it all. Even if you scratch very hard. Then again, I was careful who,I,chose to marry and have children with, took my relationship seriously and worked hard at it through the good and tough times.
We don't give up on each other as soon as one says something silly, we forgive lots, we are considerate of each other's needs and we made our wedding vows knowing we were committing for life. Neither would have considered children outside of wedlock and both take our responsibilities as partners and parents very seriously. We've had to compromise and put the needs of the other first. We've had to work really hard for financial success and security, I was virtually a single parent for four years whilst he was working long hours and doing doctorate. It looks like we have it all because we've sacrificed some of our individual needs for the greater needs of the family. In time, that has paid off and as our children have reached adulthood we can now reap.the benefits.

ILoveDolly Sun 05-Feb-17 17:06:38

On the surface a lot of these marriages look better than they are.
I suppose I look like one of those women from the outside. My husband is a great guy and loves his kids but his work is very Important To him and even when me met as students it was clear how important his career was to him. I mean, I've always seen his vocation as basically his first love which I try not to compete with. So I guess I am not getting as much romance and perfect relationship stuff as you might think. But we love each other and we do have a nice life.
On personal levels these 'sorted' women often are high functioning but troubled in the ways we all are actually. Health problems, aging parents, money worries, mental health issues. It's just a steady suburban life can hide these from scrutiny

EssieTregowan Sun 05-Feb-17 17:07:44

To all outward appearances I am the sort of woman you describe. Dh is truly great, an equal parent, we are financially ok and I'm a SAHM. We live in a great house in a lovely village and have a lot of 'middle class' trappings.

But dh is my second husband, my first was abusive in every way. I spent my late teens homeless and basically lived a very sketchy life until my mid twenties.

I have quite severe MH problems and there are all sorts of professionals involved in our lives.

All three of my children have different biological fathers and neither of the eldest have any contact with them.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't think anybody really has it all. I am very happy with my life but it certainly hasn't been a smooth path.

DJKKSlider Sun 05-Feb-17 17:12:05

I'd say anyone can have it 'all'
It just depends on your definition of all.

I have it all right now. Home, heat, light, food, happy and clever daughter, a happy and looked after partner and no worries of any sort, financial or otherwise. What more is there?

Now you could look deeper and say I have nothing.
I'm unemployed, I rent, my car is a 10year old Fiat POS, I've never been abroad and my last holiday was over 5 years ago.
But none of that matters to me.

Its all perspective and personal.

YakiUdonYumYum Sun 05-Feb-17 17:12:23

Anothermoomin you've written my post for me! In my 20s, my friends rolled their eyes, smirked and were ever so slightly patronising about my choice of partner. He just wasn't cool enough for them.

Fast forward 20 years and 2 kids, I'm still in a strong loving relationship with the same good and kind man. We've had our ups and downs, but so far we still appreciate each other and work at our relationship together.

I think kindness is underrated especially when we're young(er).

Stripyhoglets Sun 05-Feb-17 17:13:25

I think we need to be careful not to victim blame women who've unknowingly got drawn into relationships with abusive men who started out nice and ended up anything but. Sometimes what seems like a sensible choice turns out anything but.

Anothermoomin Sun 05-Feb-17 17:21:04

I don't mean to upset people - sorry if I did. I just get pissed off when people say "oh you are lucky". Nope. No luck involved.

I chose the quiet nerdy bloke other women weren't interested in. The sweet, supportive bloke who loves me to my bones.

We worked at our relationship, saved up, tried really, really hard to parent as well as we could. We've had redundancies and bereavements same as anyone else. My DP doesn't want to be the life and soul of the party, he doesn't want to earn millions, he wanted to be home to put the kids to bed.

He has gone from boring to hero according to other women. They made their choices, I made mine

GetAGlance Sun 05-Feb-17 17:25:13

I don't think anyone here is judging you on your choices Another. More trying-to-understand. sad that you seem so angry somehow ...

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