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NC IL's turning up at our home(19 Posts)
I've posted here previously - https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2257159-Struggling-with-in-law-relationship-help-please - about MIL and DH's family. Am unfortunately back asking for some advice as the situation is worse..
For those who haven't read my previous post, we are no contact with DH's family due to emotional abuse from MIL when I got pregnant with our child (4 years ago).
MIL has also hit me once. We tried again with her and she had not changed at all. We've now lost all of DH's side of the family.
After DH told MIL that the relationship between us and her wasn't working due to her behaviour on the last meeting up with her, and that we cannot have contact with her, she turned up at our address, got into our building (we're in a flat) and refused to leave until she'd spoken to us etc. We also had texts from other members of DH's family saying to speak to her and "make things right", despite nobody asking for our side of the story.
We then had FIL and BIL turn up several times trying to come in, and MIL sent DH a letter that arrived on his birthday saying she's got no idea what's she's done but we're all flawed and we just just accept her as she is. This was genuinely the last straw for us and we contacted 101 to get some advice. My husband made a statement and the officer warned MIL that she could get into a lot of trouble if she continued with her behaviour, and to not send others to speak to us about her.
We've had periods of quiet and times where there's been unwanted visits since by IL's. I also received some horrible messages over social media from one member of the family. In the lead up to Christmas we had cards and gifts left at our front door, and MIL actually came here and left things for our child and cards for us.
Very recently two members of the family came to our home at a time of day when they know DH won't be awake (he works nights) and asked repeatedly to come in, and buzzing our flat. I answered thinking it was the postman and said he's asleep, I can't wake him and don't few comfortable with you coming in. One of these people was the person sending viscous messages to me over social media. I was being asked why cant we come in, we want to see you, etc. Eventually I was able to get rid of them by just repeating what I'd said before; but was instructed to tell DH they'd been there and he should call them.
As it stands we haven't spoken to the police again regarding this, but I'm starting to feel similar to how I felt previously.. Panicky, anxious and my mind is going at 100mph with worry about what's next. My DH has even said he feels unable to go out or even answer if somebody buzzes our flat in case it's them. We're now moving because of this and waiting for the moving date.
I think what I'm asking is what should we do now? I know what they're doing isn't ok due to how it's making us both feel, and how anxious we both are. DH has had counselling for this, has been on medication and had to have time off work also.
I'm reluctant to report these visits and communication again, I think because I would feel guilty for the trouble it causes, despite their behaviour towards us.
Thank you for reading xx
You need to speak to the Police because this behaviour from his family of origin is harassment. What trouble seriously will it cause; their behaviour is now causing you to move.
What have you got to feel guilty about?. Guilt is truly a useless emotion here and it will simply act against you.
My reply from your original thread still stands:-
"Such toxic people like his mother truly can and do affect the health of the person of the receiving end of their toxic behaviour.
You likely come from an emotionally healthy family where thankfully this sort of familial dysfunction is unknown. This is also perhaps why you have tried to be nice and reasonable. You wanted to be nice and give them another chance; a big mistake as you have already seen. There must be no more chances from you re them. Unfortunately such toxic people see "nice" as a weakness to be despised. Such people also never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Your DH has also had a lifetime of her conditioning as well, he truly knows what she is like.
The "normal" rules simply go out the window when it comes to such dysfunctional families like his family of origin. No progress in relations between they and you was ever made; you cannot even begin to reason with people who are at heart unreasonable and toxic.
It will also not do your child any favours for her to see her mum and dad get so continuously disrespected and denigrated; keeping her away from your DHs family is really keeping her away from bad things. If the other grandparents are nice focus on them instead.
If you have not already done so I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.
Ignore too the winged monkeys who will likely reappear again".
I note without surprise that they turned up as well, they are simply doing his parents bidding. The way to shut them down is to "listen" to Flying Monkeys. Don't react at all. Then ask if they feel strongly about this. When they agree, point out they reached this conclusion without asking about your needs, so you aren't interested in what they have to say. End conversation. FMs only act in their own self interest, certainly not in yours. They are tools to be manipulated by toxic people like your DHs parents.
Do not feel guilty in at all doing this, these people have not considered your wishes or interests in the slightest. FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) are but three of many damaging legacies such people leave their intended victims.
His parents will never change and will never be emotionally healthy. You must not be suckered back into their emotional void of a world ever again.
That sounds terrible. I think you know, don't you, that you need to report it? Did you say you are moving? If you can, and can make sure that they never get your address...
Report it, they've already been warned once so I presume that the police will take a dim view of the warning being ignored.
I would be moving if I were you. Blocking all of them on all forms of social media and don't give any of them your new address.
OP can you readjust your thinking? You say you would 'feel guilty for the trouble it would cause' if you reported them again but it's not you who has caused the trouble is it? They have ignored the previous warning from the police and continued with behaviour they know has consequences for them so why do you feel you have to protect them from those consequences? You bear no responsibility for that, none, if their behaviour was in any way acceptable it would not be a criminal offence.
Atilla thank you, I re-read your original comment and you're completely right. I think although I've come a long way since the days of trying to please them all I clearly still have some work to do with my feelings of guilt.
I'm wondering when I report this if it will be seen as harassment re FIL and BIL turning up, as the officer only instructed MIL previously and I'm not sure if they'll see it that she is sending them? They just turn up randomly it seems.
We decided long ago that we wouldn't subject our child to this behaviour. We've been badly affected by it and there's zero chance that she'll have any contact with them in the future. It has been about 18 months since she last saw any of them.
My family are amazing, thankfully, and really love my DH. She has some lovely grandparents and we're close with all my extended family so that's a positive. MIL even got hold of my Dad's number somehow and rang him about me and DH.. She was told quite firmly where to go. It's good that we have people who know we've not done anything wrong.
Pickleme, Onionknight, unfortunately I do know what needs to be done 😔 I think I'm trying to put this off as we're already stressed, and in speaking to the police again it brings it all back to the front of our minds when we've been so happy and clear in our minds since we went NC. I'm afraid it's going to bring up some painful memories and feelings that I really haven't thought about for a long time now.
Justspeak, we should be moving within the next month or so which is good! Just waiting for a date. The officer told us last year that would be a good idea, and if they were to find our new address somehow and turn up then it would a different matter altogether.
Hidingto thanks, I'm still trying to train my brain to remove the guilt I feel. We've not asked for any of this. I think this week I'll call 101 and have a chat with them and see what they say. I have the original reference number so I can add/update them on everything that's happened since as I've recorded it all and will keep doing so.
Thank you for all of your replies, I needed some people to reinforce what I'd been thinking re reporting this all to the police again. Thank you xx
Police, all the way and be very sure that anyone you're in contact with knows not to give out numbers (which you should change) and new address.
OP, may I suggest that you watch Richard Grannon's videos on narcissism, on YouTube. When it comes to toxic/narc relatives, he is fantastic and has great advice and insight into how to deal with different situations regarding these people.
I hope you get this sorted OP, because there's little more anxiety-inducing than people you went NC with, turning up at your door making demands.
As Atilla says, they're not interested in what you feel/need/have to say, they're only interested in themselves. This may be due to their conditioning over many years by the 'head' of the toxic family IYSWIM. OR, it could be that they're trying desperately to get you back into your roles, so that their behaviour isn't exposed to all and sundry. Narcs especially, do not want their behaviour exposed because it shows the outside world who they really are.
This is harrassment. Log everything, keep a diary of how she contacts you, screen shot any messages, write down any time someone comes to speak to you on her behalf. Dont reply or engage with any of them. Take it to the police and they will take it very seriously. Just because she is related to you does not give her the right to stalk you. This is disgusting behaviour, incredibly invasive. Stay strong and report all this. You owe someone who can do this to you and your children nothing.
RE other people contacting you on behalf of the person who is harrassing you: that is still considered harrassment and you should record any instances of it and take it to the police. I know this because someone was stalking me and she contacted members of my family, friends and my ex boyfriend to get them to speak to me etc and the police took all the names and info and said it was all relevant to my case.
Scruffbags thank you for the suggestion, I'm going to take a look at that on YouTube today. You're right in that MIL is seen as the head of the family.. Even her ex-husband does as he's told and he's been remarried for 15 years!
HecateAntaia, Cherrysoup, no neighbours will be told our new address, we have some lovely neighbours but just wouldn't risk giving this information in case someone tried to get it out of them.
Mrsblenner thanks for clarifying re the harassment. I think the next step will be an officer visiting the extended family to warn them.. I don't understand why they continue with this behaviour but perhaps because they haven't been told directly not to contact us they think it's ok somehow. I think with MIL there will be a different action taken, as DH had to sign a statement last time saying he didn't want her arrested (the officer said it was a possibility that she would) just warned off and told to keep totally away from the three of us and not to contact us in any way.
The officer told her she can issue her with something called a PIN notice(?) which would go on her record and show up on CRB checks etc. She's a teacher for gods sake!
Thank you all so much for the advice and support, it never fails to amaze me how helpful people are on here! I really appreciate it xx
you must report this.. but please note... If you pursue charges and they are Charged.. they will be given your new address..... within the body of the charges of Stalking/Harassment ....
Get the Police involved again. Why are you moving? Get an injunction to stop them coming near the property.
The Mil is a classic narcissist. When they are called out on unacceptable behaviour they have a narcissistic injury and get enraged then get other family members to act as their flying monkeys. The telling you that you are the problem is invalidation of you and the having to accept her how she is shows pure arrogant control and manipulation and that she is minimising her bad behaviour and won't change and your objection to it makes you the problem. Go to the Police.
So sorry this is still going on!
Police. Every time. The predictability of it has to be boring, so they know for certain that every time they try there'll be someone in uniform at their door to deal with. If sometimes you do call the police and sometimes they get away with it, they're always going to push a bit because they know mostly they get away with it and it's worth a try.
Think of it too as if you call the police every single time, they're escalating their behaviour against the police, not you. It's then the police's problem, and they will escalate the consequences as high as necessary.
Re informing of addresses: when I worked in similar field, we had a standard code system on files to say if addresses or other sensitive data needed to be left off standard letters for safety of someone involved. Let the police know and see what they say, it was a very standard procedure.
When you move, discuss your situation with the council to ensure your name is not put on the register of electors (so they can't find you that way). You may need to provide evidence, but there is provision to do this in certain circumstances.
You need to tell the people to go away and that repeat visits will be considered harassment and reported to the police. At the moment, they asked to come in, you said you aren't comfortable letting them in, they replied why not and you repeated yourself. You haven't told them not to return nor and warned them returning would be viewed as harassment by you. You need to actually say that. All they've done in their version to the police is come to see your husband, you refused to wake him and they asked you to pass on a message to him and said they'd call him.
Out of context, that sounds reasonable.
Did you get screenshots of the abuse sent via social media?
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