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can't hold down a relationship

(9 Posts)
rubyraindrop Sun 05-Feb-17 13:53:07

Am a single parent and years on from an EA marriage. Everyone I have dated since has been a disaster really. I've done therapy, taking breaks, building up my self esteem, hobbies, everything. Haven't done OLD or looked especially

I don't feel like I have to have a relationship, but would like one. Last year I ended up in a fairly whirlwind thing where he ghosted me. Too soon after ( a couple of months later) I got into to something else with someone who seemed lovely. I didn't rush it but it wasn't always great as his words and actions didn't match up, looking back on it. He wanted to message daily but not especially to fix up dates. He wouldn't speak on the phone. For me it wasn't a way to build a relationship. But when I saw him it was really great and we got on amazingly. I was worried, however, that despite his words, by his actions he wasn't that into me, and now he's dumped me last week sad

I feel like I just want to give up totally now. But at the same time it would feel sad to spend the rest of my life on my own. I worry I'm not cut out for relationships or doing something wrong but I don't know what. It's quite depressing. The whole thing is making me feel shit and I just don't know what to do now or where I'm going so wrong

MyheartbelongstoG Sun 05-Feb-17 14:01:50

Op you're just sore from end if relationship.

Don't give up. There are some lovely men out there.

MommaGee Sun 05-Feb-17 14:02:51

Rather than giving up forever cpuld you just take a break? Say 12 months? No looking for dates, dating websites etc. Whatever time you'd have spent on dates (chdcare etc) treat yourself to dinner out alone, a movie with friends, a country walk etc
Whatever floats your boat but concentrating solely on you and your needs.

My thought is this way it takes the pressure off, allows you to reconnect with who you are etc x

rubyraindrop Sun 05-Feb-17 15:41:31

Thanks to you both and for reading this. Feel better for MN yet again smile

Yes I'm feeling sore I guess. I've done taking breaks before and still not seeming to end up with better quality partners somehow. I'm generally happy with life etc but when I'm in relationships I suppose it does tend to cause me some anxiety, with texting and fixing up dates and everything. I'm not sure if it would fall into place with the right man (as I thought had happened with the ghosting one) or if there's just something wrong with me and other people find it easier. The very beginning of dating is normally okay, its when I get attached its harder

scoobydoo1971 Sun 05-Feb-17 16:15:42

I will freely admit I have dated a few losers since my divorce, and as a single parent I thought I was very picky about potential candidates (...thinking they might have a role in my kids lives one day). The one was so evil I could write a screenplay about his dastardly deeds to woman-kind. However hurtful it is to be rejected, you do come to understand it wasn't meant to be eventually and a lucky escape. Half the adult population are single and it isn't such a stigma. Life is lonely now as everyone communicates online, and communities seem to have dissolved as people are too busy keeping up with the pace of the world. Striking up a conversation with an attractive stranger in the street risks being called a stalker, a harasser or is funny times.

Being single is better than being in a lousy relationship. This forum is testimony to the full horror than arises from being trapped with Mr/ Ms Wrong. I have stopped looking as I have reflected on what I attract, and I would rather have a colony of cats in a mud hut up a mountain than return to any of my ex's or anyone who gives me the eye when I am out and about. At mid-life, as I am, there are no rich pickings in the mankind department. There are a lot of players, bitter divorcees and drowing in drama/ debt/ difficulty...another words the very types no one else snapped up or retained in a long term relationship. There are lovely people as well, but they are hard to find.

I believe love comes when you are not looking, and for some people it never comes at all. You just have to start seeing the second category as a possibility, and not a bad gives you freedom and independence to do what you want. You cannot control when the right person comes along, and active searching for a new partner is probably at risk of settling for anyone who vaguely seems ok, or accepting bad behaviour off the wrong person. Happy dating starts with feeling good about yourself, and feeling good enough not to accept bad behaviour of anyone else.

rubyraindrop Sun 05-Feb-17 16:39:04

scoobydoo thanks I found what you said very comforting. That is spot on, I need to come to terms with the fact of being single and that could be indefinitely. On some level I want somebody to kind of override the memory of my dreadful exh I think. I do have the most important love in my life I'll ever have, in my lovely dcs, so maybe should try to see it that way and just think about all the things I can do in my life on my own. I have holidayed alone and done all sorts but I think after such a long stretch of being single it felt lovely to think of a future with someone who I thought was nice at last. But not meant to be. Perhaps the grass was looking greener also. I agree with you about looking, I don't intend to look for any more dickheads chaps

butterfly990 Sun 05-Feb-17 18:15:43

Why don't you have a look at meetup. It is a website for meeting up with people with similar interests. There are loads of different groups, you can even make your own one for others to join. The focus on the majority of these groups is to meet new people, socialise.

rubyraindrop Sun 05-Feb-17 18:50:21

thanks butterfly I will take a look at that. I don't feel quite like getting 'out there' yet or socialising but I'm sure there will come a point when I do

everythingis Sun 05-Feb-17 19:12:29

Scoot is so right and similar experiences as me post divorce. Stupidly I thought after marriage I was a bit wiser picking partners but a dentist I met about 3 years ago hurt me more in a few short months than my whole divorce!! So so glad he never met the kids.

Anyway....have always said that every relationship teaches you something about yourself and what makes you happy or not. Old is worth a go - you can check men out at arms length with no commitment to meet or anything.

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