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how bad is this?

(29 Posts)
Asuitablemum Sat 04-Feb-17 21:49:02

I need perspective on this. I know it's not good but is it understandable in the grand scheme of things and the stresses of life. Or is it massively twatty? So in the car with dh and children in the back. Driving home from visiting friends. Baby crying a bit, I said 'maybe she's still hungry'. He made a rude reply like 'oh god, there's nothing we can do now. Why say that?!' So I said 'would you speak to me like that in public?' At which he lost it shouting and swearing. F word more than once, Jesus Christ etc. Apparently he was at a fucking junction, why did I have a go over baby screaming too etc etc. I stayed calm, please don't shout and swear at me etc. He basically wouldn't let me speak but then finished with something like 'there, you've won'. Didn't last that long (maybe only a minute) but out of order and the kids were in the car. Then 20mins later he did apologise. 'I lost my temper and shouldn't have done that but it was A difficult situation and I couldn't control myself' or similar. I said 'thank you for apologising, it is always wrong to swear and shout'. Which I know is matryrish but I was just not ready to wholeheartedly accept the apology and the kids where there so didn't want to start a row either and wanted to emphasise that his behaviour was unacceptable. He said something like 'thanks for throwing it back at me' sarcastically. Then all normal whole way home. Even starting to discuss valentines presents?! Me 'I don't think this is the time', him' well I've got to get it tomorrow'. How should I deal with this situation. Am I a wimp for thinking it's really crap but not having it out with him tonight because I can't be bothered to have a row that won't change anything and I just want a bath?

Manepartner Sat 04-Feb-17 21:52:16

He has apologised for being a dick, which he was, but yeah he said sorry. You still want to have it out with him? I don't get that at all. If DH and I disagree or whatever we own our twatishness, apologise and move on

AyeAmarok Sat 04-Feb-17 21:53:02

He flipped out because he was at a junction when you said the baby might be hungry?

I don't really understand. Is he a really, really nervous driver? If he's that bad, he probably shouldn't be driving with DC in the car.

Or he's just an angry arse.

BarbaraRoberts Sat 04-Feb-17 21:56:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Asuitablemum Sat 04-Feb-17 21:56:41

I don't actually want to have it out with him as I said. But I think his behaviour was awful. I also don't believe he is truly sorry. If I spoke like he did I would feel awful, I would question myself and would be genuinely apologetic. But I never would either. I feel like he made a choice to let off steam and then made a perfunctory apology. He would not behave like that with a friend in the car or at work.

Asuitablemum Sat 04-Feb-17 21:57:24

Aye amarok. The latter rather than the former.

AyeAmarok Sat 04-Feb-17 22:05:05

I see. So he is prone to angry outbursts, like today, gives you a cursory "I'm sorry", which he then expects you to accept and forget he was horrible and, let me guess, you're then not allowed to bring up or want to discuss the fact he was horrible to you because he gave you an apology already. So get over it and stop being an overly emotional nag?

Something like that going on?

Asuitablemum Sat 04-Feb-17 22:06:48

Pretty much aye.

Asuitablemum Sat 04-Feb-17 22:08:35

Not that he often shouts and swear in front of kids so much. But he is often very short with me and selfish. Actually did get cross earlier in the day when I told him not to back seat drive so not infrequent.

Asuitablemum Sat 04-Feb-17 22:10:22

And I don't get how he doesn't understand how much resentment must be building up. Surely you want your wife to like you? Does he not car or does he not think how I feel towards him is affected by the way I acts. I just don't understand it.

Asuitablemum Sat 04-Feb-17 22:11:02

Care not car and He acts rather.

PickAChew Sat 04-Feb-17 22:13:13

If you want a scale of 1-10 where 10 is bad, it's a good 7-8 - and I've only read the first few lines so far. Reading past the bit where he started to swear at you, add one for the "I'm sorry but [it was your fault]"

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower Sat 04-Feb-17 22:15:14

Hmm.. Totally depends on how he is the rest of the time. Why was he stressed driving home?

Asuitablemum Sat 04-Feb-17 22:19:05

I think he was a bit stressed driving in busy bit of London and with baby crying as we set of. But could he just say. Wait a minute I'm concentrating? Or even say nothing.

tallwivglasses Sat 04-Feb-17 22:24:42

Did you want him to stop so you could feed the baby? How would he have reacted if you'd suggested that?

iamapixiebutnotaniceone Sat 04-Feb-17 22:24:47

Hardly an apology if it is followed by an attempt at justification.
Probably best though to wait until you are both completely calm and away from the children to bring it up, if you feel you just have to accept the outbursts then you will only end up resenting him. flowers

picklemepopcorn Sat 04-Feb-17 22:25:31

I might get a bit stroppy if the baby's been crying a while, the traffic is tricky and unfamiliar, DP starts talking about feeding the baby (where can I stop, can I stop?). So I shout and flap for a moment. Then when I apologised DP gets all huffy with me. So then I try and show, no hard feelings, let's get back to normal. What shall we do on Valentine's Day? But that isn't right, either.

This is just one incident, and my reading of it I actually feel a bit sorry for him unusually for me. I find driving in unfamiliar places quite stressful, especially with baby crying.

Only you know what he is usually like.

Asuitablemum Sat 04-Feb-17 22:33:39

But I would just shout fucking hell at him in front of my kids. And my parents never did either. But it is normal to a lot of people, just a lapse?

Baby is a toddler really (I need to move with the times). I didn't want him to pull over.

Asuitablemum Sat 04-Feb-17 22:33:56

Just never I mean!

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower Sat 04-Feb-17 22:34:47

Sounds like a random flare up to me tbh

picklemepopcorn Sat 04-Feb-17 22:46:51

I don't swear. Ever. Unless I'm scared in the car... If someone cuts me up or I misjudge a junction I might drop a few...

Asuitablemum Sun 05-Feb-17 23:20:02

So mixed opinions but is consensus that it's not that bad?

picklemepopcorn Mon 06-Feb-17 07:07:41

Not as an occasional, if it isn't his usual attitude.

HellonHeels Mon 06-Feb-17 08:21:42

No the consensus isn't that it's not that bad, several people think it's awful. I also think it's bad, he was shouting and swearing at you in front of the children, for no reason and gave a non-apology expecting you to roll over and forget about it. That is bad!

Manepartner Mon 06-Feb-17 08:28:27

Well if you listen to people on here nobody swears, raises their voice or ever becomes ajitated hmm

The reality is though that people DO let out a swear or 2 in front of their children. People do get annoyed and shout. It's part and parcel of life imo. Sometimes I can be in a rage for no reason. If I have a go at DH unnecessarily I just apologise for being a twat and we move on. I'm not abusive and I find true attitude that if a man dares to say a word against a woman on here to be quite bizarre. In the real work people argue, get pissed off, take it out on the wrong person - even in front of the kids.

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