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Escaping a toxic bf

(7 Posts)
LosingTheMarbles Sat 04-Feb-17 21:20:50

My friend is having issues - her bf is aggressive, gaslights, calls names, bullys and is lying about all kinds.

At first she thought he was a handful she could cope with. She is a 'live and let live' character but when she was younger was feisty and so I guess seen in him a bit of what she had been in her teens-20s - he was assertive and dominant at that point.

Now things have escalated, or rather the wool has been removed from her eyes somehow (finally).

Does anyone have any suggestions how to best deal with this. ATM she's acting like everything is fine as he's so volatile she's afraid if she gives him a chance he will make her suffer (even more than normal!) for wanting out of the relationship. If they argue she asks him to go, he storms off to pack but then cries saying how much he loves her.

Sitting down and talking is not an option. She feels the only way is to flee. The rental house is in her name and doesn't know what to do about that side of it - but he will not leave and she's too scared to involve the police because he hasn't done anything as such.

I'm desperately scared for her. I hope to God this post doesn't somehow out her! But I don't have a clue what to suggest. Help.

FeckTheMagicDragon Sat 04-Feb-17 23:39:04

Hi - suggest she call or email womens aid. The house in in her name so legally she can just pack up his stuff and change the locks - but I get that will scare her. They will be able to help her get a strategy together to get him out safely. shes right to pretend everything is normal, just at the moment as this is the trickiest time. But she needs to be careful of starting to minimise. If she calls the police it can just be for advice on 101. They could be there when she tells him to leave - for security. So no charges or anything, worries logged in case he escalates, and he has to go.

LosingTheMarbles Sun 05-Feb-17 10:19:17

About a month ago she contacted Woman's Aid who said they'd get victim support to get in touch, but they never did 🙄. She will give it another go though thank you.

jeaux90 Sun 05-Feb-17 10:23:59

Losing can you and someone else perhaps go to her house and help her tell him to leave. Help him pack his stuff and get the locks changed after he goes. If he kicks up a fuss you call the police.

LosingTheMarbles Sun 05-Feb-17 10:37:33

I actually suggested coming to talk to him with her but she's sure he'd still kick off. She's said under no circumstances should that happen because she doesn't think ta fair to involve others so heavily when she is sure the outcome will be violence. She's worried for her dog as he's threatened him before during an argument he said he'd take it out on the dog ever time she got on his case. Getting on his case can be classed as her asking simply if he'd like some toast and him saying 'if I wanted toast I'd get some, get off my case' but then if she made toast without offering he'd call her a selfish bitch. She literally cannot win. She calls me every day at least once to cry about what's happened.

PsychedelicSheep Sun 05-Feb-17 10:55:05

I'm pretty sure the police will help remove him, if she says she's scared of him and he's threatened her. She needs to get him out rather than leave herself if her name is in the lease, he could cause all sorts of hassle for her if she leaves him in the house.

She should speak to someone at women's aid and get a safety plan together, and speak to someone on 101 for advice on how to get him out. And make sure she takes his keys obviously. Changing the locks not so easy on a rented property.

LosingTheMarbles Sun 05-Feb-17 11:09:15

She's hardly got any money and can't afford the rent but it's past that now, she needs to be shot of him. His name is also on the agreement she said when I've suggested this this morning. What a mess!! Goodness knows what that means now?? She's gone from being strong and confident to a gibbering wreck. Absolutely awful for her. Women's aid is the way I think, hope they help this time!

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