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Can't move on from OM

(21 Posts)
Whathappensnowthen Sat 04-Feb-17 20:22:25

My husband and I have separated, although we remain under the same roof for now. Things are fairly civil at the moment, which I'm pleased about for the children's sakes. I feel like I'm moving forward in my life - I will hopefully be buying my husband out of our shared property, he wants to buy somewhere local so he can still be a hands on Dad (which I'm pleased about) and so actually I should be really happy about it all.

The trouble is, I'm actually on a massive rollercoaster. I posted previously about my OM, how I'd been planning on leaving my husband for a long time before OM came on the scene, but I realised I needed to focus on my home situation before meeting anyone new. I ended things with him before Christmas, went NC, I was sad but felt ok-ish. However, returning to work in the new year (we work together) just proved so difficult. My whole 'new' life is dependent on me keeping this job and the good income (not to mention school-friendly hours) that go with it. Things have somewhat restarted with OM but I feel rubbish. I have feelings for him that are not reciprocated and I feel so torn up inside. I'm quite a tactile person and really am no good in my own company, and yet somehow I'm going to have to get used to being on my own, no hugs, no kisses, no one to talk to. The OM actually helped me a fair bit in terms of being a rock to lean on/shoulder to cry on when things with my alcoholic husband were bad, so in that sense it was more than just sex, but I know we don't have a future and I'm starting to feel pretty scared. About being alone, about never meeting anyone else. I have 4 young children, I only have one good friend and I won't be able to join clubs/socialise as I will be primary carer for the children due to my husband's long working hours/trips away for work.

Can someone tell me there is a light at the end of this tunnel? I have made contact with some agencies to try to find another job, but I would have to give 3 months notice so I have got to somehow cope with seeing OM every day for at least the next 3 months. I need to be strong for the children to help them through the separation and yet inside I'm crying all the time. I feel like I need to get a grip, but I just can't.

jeaux90 Sat 04-Feb-17 20:43:53

You have so much going on and are going through massive changes. One of those changes is being on your own. You will feel lonely at times yes but I can honestly say it's part of the process of learning to be independent again. I know it hurts but let yourself feel it, yes feel sad. You will come out the other side happy in your own company again. It's important because you need to not always yearn to be in a relationship, this is why people make so many stupid relationship decisions, because they don't feel like they can be on their own.

You'll be fine, it a process xxx

Whathappensnowthen Sat 04-Feb-17 22:17:07

I know you're right. I think it would help if I could see past my feelings for him right now. I guess I just have to hang in there, but I feel pretty miserable.

jeaux90 Sat 04-Feb-17 22:51:03

Can you see him as someone who was just there for you at a bad time in your life? You say you can't see a future with him and I find it helps to give those feelings a context.

Believe me things do get easier. Time takes care of that. I'm 6 years on from leaving an abusive narc, single parent and I have been through the loneliness and out the other side. I can honestly tell you it will be ok. Focus on your career, kids, you and I mean be kind to yourself. Then one day you will start to feel ok, and then you'll start feeling more than ok xxx

ChocolateDoll Sun 05-Feb-17 05:37:59

Hugely difficult situation. I feel for you.

What does OM get out of all this? Why are you so sure there's no future in it? Is he married?

I've been where you are now, and I ended up staying in my marriage. Financial reasons mostly. I'd like to think that if money was no issue, I'd be brave enough to do what you're doing now.

Whathappensnowthen Sun 05-Feb-17 06:38:10

Yes, he's married. To be honest, when I started in my job he never spoke of his wife so I didn't know he was married, then there was just the occasional disparaging remark, so I thought he was separated or on the brink of leaving, as I was. But no, apparently he loves his wife and would never leave her. Despite all the issues in my marriage and the fact I 'checked out' emotionally long ago, I felt awful about, well, essentially cheating on my husband, and I realised I had to end things with him. (Tried to kid myself that maybe everything would be ok, but I obviously didn't love or respect him if I cheated on him, did I?)

I'm seems fine with carrying on with the odd liaison and seems completely unaffected by any guilt. Even if he did leave his wife, he's shown himself to be pretty heartless and untrustworthy, so I'd never be able to trust him in a relationship. Hence I know we'd never have a future.

The trouble really is that, with me feeling so down and so lonely, I am pretty vulnerable (and I hate being this way). He can see that and knows what to say and every time I say that things can't continue he just finds a way to talk me round. That's why I need to change jobs, but as I say, I have to give 3 months' notice, so I need to find a way to be strong and not keep falling for OM every time I see him.

Whathappensnowthen Sun 05-Feb-17 06:40:01

*OM seems fine...

jeaux90 Sun 05-Feb-17 08:48:09

Right ok so the problem is that you are lonely and he says all the right things to you.

If he cares at all he would be trying to help you move on and have limited contact with you. He is being incredibly selfish. Try and see him in that light.

You do need to suck the loneliness up a bit I'm afraid, it's part of the process but please try and find something you enjoy doing to be kind to yourself. Swimming, yoga or a hobby ?

And yes crack on with with finding a new job as no contact with the Om would be the best cure xxx

Whathappensnowthen Sun 05-Feb-17 13:27:57

I removed myself from social media yesterday. I went NC over Christmas and did start coming to terms with things, but the work situation is so hard. Any tips how to avoid someone in a really small office?

MyheartbelongstoG Sun 05-Feb-17 13:40:53

If this post was written by a man......

He's married op, what you're doing is beyond shitty.

You don't need to change jobs, you just need to tell him to fuck off.

KateDaniels2 Sun 05-Feb-17 14:07:50

I'll give you the same advice i gave my male boss who is in a similar situation.

Pull yourself together. This person is treating you and their spouse like shit and you are complicit in their treatment of their spouse.

You feel like shit about it because you are doing a shitty thing. That doesnt make you a shitty person. But what you are doing is shitty.

You dont need to change jobs. You need to take responsibility for yourself. You can stop sleeping with him. The whole 'its so difficult working in a small office makes it impossible' is just you trying to absolve yourself of blame.

You are taking an active part in this affair. You arent a bystander.

ChocolateDoll Sun 05-Feb-17 14:52:17

I don't think there's any point in being harsh to the op.

At least she's taken control and done something about her own marriage.

Difficult question for you op - how do you think you would feel if he turned round tomorrow and said he was leaving his wife & wanted to be with you?

I think answering that question may help you know where your own mind is and possibly how you can find a way to deal with all this.

Whathappensnowthen Sun 05-Feb-17 17:51:35

If I'm really honest and he turned round and said that, I would probably want to give things a chance between us. We have a lot in common and that is what got us talking in the first place. Even though he is a 'cheater', technically I am too. That doesn't mean to say I will always be, I would hope someone would take a chance on a relationship with me in the future and not judge me solely by my past. Similarly I would want to give him the same chance. However, I really don't think that's going to happen and I would certainly never ask anyone to leave their spouse - it would have to be a decision they came to on their own. I have left my husband because I no longer love him, not because I want to be with OM.

Gingerbreadlass Sun 05-Feb-17 19:51:58

Always remember what they do with you they will do to you.

Focus on your kids, your job and your friends. Be kind to yourself and involve yourself in new hobbies and dream new dreams.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Sun 05-Feb-17 20:18:16

You're right OP, you too are a cheater & in all honesty I would give anyone who is capable of this a wide berth, sorry.
He's telling you what you need to hear because you are sad & lonely, tell him to fuck off & learn to like your own company-it's actually quite nice if you give it a chance.

ChocolateDoll Sun 05-Feb-17 21:49:22

It's hardly a crime to look for comfort and happiness somewhere else, when the world you knew is falling apart!

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Sun 05-Feb-17 22:15:58

No it isn't, unfortunately there is another person,OM's wife in case you missed it hmm, to get hurt in this scenario, but fuck it, as long as OP tactile needs are met who cares

ChocolateDoll Sun 05-Feb-17 22:40:44

Yes, but it's not her who has any commitment to OM's wife.

Whathappensnowthen Mon 06-Feb-17 06:28:52

Of course it bothers me, if it didn't I would just be carrying on and wouldn't have posted here. I'm looking for a new job, I know what I've been doing is not right and I wish I could go NC. But since I have to work with him for the time being I was simply looking for some advice as to how to rebuff him. If it was a large office I could somehow avoid him, but it's not. I don't need reminding it's wrong, I know that, but when he's the only person who gives a damn about me irl right now, it's very hard to turn away from that.

KateDaniels2 Mon 06-Feb-17 07:01:12

You just reject all non work contact. Its ridiculous to say you cant help it or stop it unless you move. Stop being a bystander in your own life.

I dont hold the view that the OW has absolutely no blame for an affair. They do. She knows he is married. She knows her relationship with this man will cause the wife pain. I dont believe you can choose to act in a way that will definitely hurt someone and not share some responsibility.

Op he doesnt give a shit. He says what he needs to, to have sex with you.

HelenDenver Mon 06-Feb-17 07:11:34

"Op he doesnt give a shit. He says what he needs to, to have sex with you."

This. Keep telling yourself this.

He is bad for you and he'd be bad for you if he was single because he doesn't respect your boundaries.

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