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Anyone who has FWB, can you tell me how?

(12 Posts)
rosiemorag Sat 04-Feb-17 18:02:54

I've been separated from my xh for a while now and while I'm not ready to think about entering into a new relationship (not sure I ever will be) I am missing physical contact, being with friends, socialising and just generally having a life outside my work.

I am making an effort to be with friends and have plans to join a few clubs to keep busy.

I know someone who has successfully used dating apps like tinder to make FWB type connections with ppl and she's recommended I try it. I know OLD is full of sleazy ppl and arseholes.

I would really only be using it to find a few ppl to have FWB type relationships with. Does anyone have this set up? Is it doable? What mistakes have you made that I could learn from?

I appreciate any advice you could give.

ddssdd Sat 04-Feb-17 18:09:09

Yes. I met someone online, who became a FWB. It lasted a few years, only punctuated when either of us were dating.

I got attached to him a few times (great sex, etc). But one night he made a comment they I just could not get my head around. I haven't spoken to him since.

If FWB is really what you want, go for it!

Gertrudeisgerman Sat 04-Feb-17 18:19:45

I had a FWB through Tinder but feelings got in the way and now we are not friends sad. I miss my friendship with him more than the sex. Be careful.

BumDNC Sat 04-Feb-17 18:23:18

I didn't like it. My cases involved no dating, just casually hanging out at home, film then sex. I got bored with the 3 I have had in my life, one was late all the time so I would wait indoors bored for hours, one I didn't really fancy that much but he was an ok guy and another I got feelings for so it went all wonky.

I just ended up feeling it was a waste of my precious free time to spend it with someone I'm not really that bothered about, when I could be out doing something more fulfilling.

Sex is sex, I get that, I can do that but I just found it empty and soulless really... I like a cuddle that has real feeling behind it. Also it's probably my own issues but I never had an orgasm with my FWB, sex was good but no intimacy made all my insecurities a barrier and my now BF only has to spend 5 mins to make it happen blush

If you want to do it, do it for the right reasons and don't expect intimacy. If you have body hang ups the wrong person can make them feel worse not better. I think you need a degree of self confidence and assurance. You need to know you can stick to your boundaries

GeekyWombat Sat 04-Feb-17 18:24:07

I broke up with a long term relationship that really outstayed its welcome - think 'I should have ended it five years before but just couldn't'. I ended up on a weekend away with a load of friends and slept with one of my friends in the group. Initially we thought it was a one off, but we both enjoyed it (my relationship had literally been sexless for years) and it ended up being repeated a lot.

Having a FWB relationship with an established friend was a bit of a fine line I found. I liked him already (he was my friend after all), we had loads in common, but neither of us were particularly into the idea of dating (he'd just got out of a very bruising marriage). At times it blurred with me feeling that I had deeper feelings for him (the occupational hazard of having the kind of FWB where you're doing dinner and a movie first or whatever) but ultimately we both knew we wouldn't work as a relationship - he had a bit of a knight in shining armour thing going on and loved a damsel in distress sort and I was never that!

We ended up sleeping together regularly for a good few years (unless one or other of us was dating, which happened in later years) and it was a lot of fun and the sex was much better than I imagined one night stands would be. I'd say the key was honesty though - we both knew where we stood and that openness avoided confusion. That said, our group of friends were convinced we were properly together - until I got married and he came to the wedding ;) He's properly loved up and cohabiting now too and we see each other pretty regularly as a foursome and with our wider friends. it was a very positive experience for me and a very gentle way to recover from the shit relationship before starting to date 'properly' if you know what I mean.

NarcsBegone Sat 04-Feb-17 18:26:23

My fwb situation had been on and off for around 20 years. Always stopped if in relationships but neither of us are very good at those. What made it easy for us was a very clear understanding that neither of us wanted to be in a relationship with the other, we both felt it would be very destructive. We never socialised together but did have mutual friends, we respected the others decisions to stop things if a relationship was forming with someone and jealousy was never an issue. Never mistaking sex for anything else but at the same time we do care about each other. I made the mistake of telling an ex about this arrangement and they were very upset as they felt I always had a fall back guy but that really wasn't the case, i was fully committed to this guy, it was/is about sex with fwb man. I have made the decision to stay single now but he is currently in a relationship and I hope that it works out for him this time, I will not contact him at all while he is with this person and I don't expect to hear from him unless it doesn't work out. I am happy with this situation but a lot of people wouldn't be. When I was married I didn't hear from him but when my marriage ended (totally) I contacted him again, he happened to be single and that was great. I was around 16 when I met him and we just hooked up occasionally, we didn't really discuss the dynamics for a couple of years but then agreed on our 'rules'.

rosiemorag Sat 04-Feb-17 19:05:37

Thanks everyone for your feedback. It's really helpful to hear your experiences.
Especially about body insecurities, having rock solid boundaries and laying down rules.

Food for thought! smile

noego Sun 05-Feb-17 16:10:37

Friends first. Open, honest, truthful. Set rules and boundaries. 50/50 equality. No compromising.
Fill your boots.

GoodEyebrowDay Sun 05-Feb-17 17:43:03

Am I going to read about this in the papers in a couple of days time? 🤔

rosiemorag Sun 05-Feb-17 18:48:09

Oh god no. I'm not a reporter. I'm just out a really shitty marriage and haven't had good sex in years. I just can't stomach the idea of being in another relationship with a man, but i like the idea of FWB.

Everyone who has had that arrangement, have you been ok with the knowledge your FWB may be sleeping with other ppl?

noego Sun 05-Feb-17 23:11:47

Open-ness comes with the territory. Yes they could, would and should sleep with other people, but then again so could you if the occasion arises. That's part of rules, boundaries, parameter conversation. This is not a monogamous relationship. It is very non monogamous.
It is about satisfying each others needs physically.

One other tip. Make sure they know what they are doing in the bedroom. There is nothing worse than having a friend and lover if it is only one sided and you are left frustrated.

Lesley1980 Sun 05-Feb-17 23:34:07

I had one around 14 years ago & it didn't end well for me. We were friends & we would go to the pub, concerts, cinema etc & we would sleep together but not all the time. One night I called to pop round & he told me not to as "Clair" was coming round & he didn't want to see me again. He has been sleeping/hanging out with me whilst trying to have a relationship with her & now it was official I was ditched & I never saw or spoke to him again.

I knew we weren't in a relationship & he would eventually get a girlfriend but I felt really used & crap. Friends for 2+ years & dropped because I was the girl he shagged when he couldn't get anyone else.

I think one night stands would be easier emotionally-maybe???

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