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To not know what to think of our friendship.

(2 Posts)
Singyourheartout Sat 04-Feb-17 16:54:22

I've known this friend for a long time, gone through a lot together.

This friend is having trouble with her family, very toxic. She seems to identify them as toxic, but she will go back on it. She doesn’t seem to want to deal with it practical. For example, has no money and I suggested that she need to apply for this grant since last September yet she still umming and erring about it. Going from ‘Im going to apply for it will you come with me’ to ‘I can’t, you have no idea what I'm going through, don’t tell me how to feel.’
I know toxic family mess with your head and as with any abuse but I'm struggling to not getting annoyed with how she is reacting.
She has no money, yet goes out every week clubbing. Even if she is only spending $20, she is still spending money that she could spend on food. I have tried to approach her about it but states she wants to live her life. Now I can sort of understand this, but she is ALWAYS saying she is older, wiser and doesn’t give into peer pressure. And I feel she does this, even in a small way because of the people she is living with have more money and go out consistently. She also states that she goes out drinking just to deal with the horrible people that she live with, yet it's them she goes out with???.
She is four years older, but I often feel like I'm the older of us.
She constantly wants me to go clubbing with her; I got over the clubbing scene during my first year of college, I am more of a bar person. When I suggest her coming over for a quiet drink and meal or a girl’s night(lots of wine and chocolate), or a drink in town I get ignored, and the convo goes onto something else. I feel like things I want to do get ignored, and it's all about what she wants to do.
Just recently started looking for other student accommodation, (both going on to do out PHD). Since the beginning of our master, she stated that she wanted to live with me. I found a lovely place right next to the college we attend, looking for two people, double rooms, all bills include and negotiable contract. All we could ever want, yet despite this she said she wanted to go to the Library instead. We lost the house. Now I found another place, that’s a lot further away but want we want, but the current housemates are lovely. My friend stated that a friend of her's would like to join us, yet when we arranged the viewing, I would never get a straight answer and felt the like my friend has lied and involved the other girl as an excuse and slow down the whole thing. They didn't turn up claiming illness. So I said I would take a room there, which she sulked about before saying she would take one of the rooms, without seeing it.
All fine, put it down to stress. Now just had her round for tea as she pushed it even though I'm busy writing my dissertation, while she unloads all her stress and trouble I get told she doesn't know what she wants to do and might not be living with me after all. This is after we had a meeting with the girls for next year and told them she would be moving in. This leaves me in an awkward position, if she doesn't move in, I have to explain why. If I tell them, they will most likely try and find someone else for the room, meaning if she does stay she won't have anywhere.

I am always there for this friend. I listen to her and am patient with her I do love her, and she is my best friend but this is making me ill, and I don't know what to do or act.

sonjadog Sat 04-Feb-17 17:07:13

What you do now is focus on your own life and your plans for the future. You are letting her influence what is going on in your life to too great an extent. So, you organize your accommodation and leave hers up to her, you get on with your degree and let her worry about her own, and you go out with her when it suits your schedule. There is a difference between being a good friend and a doormat, and you are currently on the doormat side. Take a step back and get on with your own stuff. You don´t have to cut her off, but leave the organization of her life up to her.

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