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Home sick ??

(16 Posts)
WS12 Sat 04-Feb-17 12:20:05

So I have just finished face timing my mam dad and sister in the UK. I don't know whether it's just home sickness or rose tinted glasses but I just need to tell someone - boy do I miss them and boy do I miss England sad even when they tell me it's cold I want to be there I feel like I'm missing them and missing out on what I would normally be experiencing. I don't really know why I'm posting on here, I guess I just want to tell someone that I really really want to go home. Like really want to go home.

We emigrated to Aus in September 2016 so haven't been here 5 minutes confused well actually coming up 5 months but you know what I mean. We FaceTime twice a week and sometimes phone too. I miss seeing my mam and dad in the flesh- face time is great but doesn't come close to going to someone's house for a cuppa. I miss going to soft play with my sister and niece. I want to play with my niece. I want to ring my mam about the soaps. I feel this great distance in our lives opening up... And I don't think it's going to get any better ? ?

I think what I'm realising - which is upsetting me most - is that my relationship with my mam and dad and their relationship with my children is changing, I can see the relationship changing, and though I like it here, I don't really think life here is worth losing the closeness we all had (my hubby wouldn't agree with that, but that's for another post on a different day!). Yes that's definitely it, things are changing, and of course they would if we've moved we can't keep things the same.

I tell you what I realised a few days ago, I miss the closeness of my mam. I see my husbands sisters with their mum and I think "why can't I be near my mum?". Seeing their closeness makes me realise I am not part of their family and they don't love me like my family does. The people who love me are thousands of miles way living a different life. I feel like I'm stuck in a really lonely limbo. I'm just waiting to get back t my normal life. I want my mam! Do I sound silly?blush my sister in law was in the shower and their mum was in their too. I could hear them laughing and chatting - I have absolutely no one here bar my husband who I am close to. Not that I want to share my shower - but what I've done by creating this distance between myself and my family I DID IT. Why oh why did I think I could live in Australia without them? And why would I want to?

I pray every day that God will give me the strength to get through this 🙏

I think what I'm saying is, I don't want to stay in Aus. I'm visiting my family in September, and heck, I might not come back. In fact, I'm not coming back. confused

ImperialBlether Sat 04-Feb-17 12:24:15

What's your situation? You've emigrated with your husband and children? And your husband is Australian and you're now living near his family?

How long did you agree to go for?

jeaux90 Sat 04-Feb-17 12:27:33

I moved to the gulf for three years. I moved back 5 years ago to the uk. I would say to you give it 12 months. I did feel more settled by then. Made some friends and the job was ok. That said the home sickness never really left. Give it a little more time and then take a decision. I don't regret moving back but I also loved the experience of living in a different country xxx

tobedo Sat 04-Feb-17 12:58:42

I've felt a bit like that on a weeks holiday. Your pain is palpable OP, how horrible. flowers

Ponderingprivately Sat 04-Feb-17 13:04:34

aw op I really really feel for you. I have been an expat in Asia for just coming two years, and I have had waves of very severe homesickness, especially missing my mum.
Have you moved forever, or for a few years?
We are actually moving home in a couple of weeks - I couldn't stay forever, I needed to go back to what you are describing BUT I have many friends here, who felt homesick for months, and really it took an entire year before they felt settled, and like they were part of the furniture - sometimes longer. Give it a year, see how you feel.
In the meantime, can your family visit you before September?
Hang on in there, international moves are HARD and 5-6 months is a key time for homesickness.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 04-Feb-17 13:25:02

Was it a massively tough decision for you? Did you underestimate the impact it would have or were you expecting what you are feeling now?

Have you and DH agreed that you'll try it out and see what happens?

juneau Sat 04-Feb-17 13:34:58

If you are living in Australia with your DC OP and you've emigrated there to live then you may find it's not so easy to just move back here - particularly if your DH will fight you for control of your DC.

If you really, really regret this move and feel its not for you have you discussed it with your DH? Would he be prepared to move back to the UK? Is this move for a fixed number of years, or is it supposed to be for good? If its for a fixed term then I think for the sake of your marriage I'd try and stick it out, but if if you're supposed to have made this move for good and your DH isn't likely to want to move back to the UK I suggest you go and see an immigration lawyer asap and find out what your legal position might be. As I understand it Australia has a rule whereby if DC are deemed to be 'ordinarily resident' in Australia and you remove them from Australia against your DH's wishes he can apply through the courts to have them returned. I don't know how long you have to live in Australia for that to apply, but you should find out. Don't wait until Sept, when you'll have been there a year. Find out now.

writergirl747474 Sat 04-Feb-17 14:19:07

I could have written your post OP - just switch husband for boyfriend, and no kids. Me met on holiday and then I moved here in June last year. In many ways it's great here but I miss home so much. Sometimes I just wonder why the fuck I left my life. My DP has loads of friends here (he's english but been in Oz a long time) and although I am meeting nice new people, I miss having people I really properly know. And I massively miss my niece and nephew and other family.

I miss my space too. I had my own flat in London and this is the first time I have lived with a man - and it's had its issues.

I'm not sure what advice I can offer other than you're not alone feeling like this. It sounds crazy to miss rainy dark cold England when you're lying on a nice beach but I really do.

In my head I'm giving it two years - I just can't see Oz as forever. Not sure what DP thinks about a move back - your situation with kids etc and DH's family in Oz is a lot more complex. If I decide to go home, DP either comes or doesn't. .....

Aquamarine70 Sat 04-Feb-17 14:21:16

I am also in Aus. We emigrated in 2002 & after a few months started to get really homesick. I was pregnant & I didn't drive & I just felt so lonely. I didn't need to work. I had no friends. My son didn't settle at school & we just felt that we had to go home.

Our cat csme out & did quarantine. We paid for her to go back to the UK.As soon as we got off the plane we knew we'd made a mistake. My DD was 10 weeks old & I was going to have to work fulltime. We were going to get no help with day care costs. We couldn't afford to buy another house. We had signed a 6 month lease so stayed but realised we had to come bsck as we were better off here.

We lost about $100k exchanging up our money & other costs. We paid for the cat to come bsck out again so had quarantine fees again.

I think with the distance you only remember the nice things. We had to tske our whole life back to start agsin to realise that we couldn't live there.

I don't have any parents just my brother who is in the process of emigrating as last remaining relative. It hss tsken 4 years so far waiting for his visa.

My DH was born here. His parents emigrated in the 1970's but returned to the UK sfter 2 years.

We settled rrally well once we came back & I learnt to drive which made such a difference.

We were in the UK in 2008 for a holiday but after a few days we wanted to come home.

Go just for a holiday but remember you do see things in a different light on holiday.

If you want to pm to let me know what state you live in & if you have any questions I don't mind.

We made an expensive huge mistake going back.

WS12 Sun 05-Feb-17 02:27:08

Thank you for your replies everyone. I think I need to give some back ground information.

My hubby is Australian and I'm from north of England. We met in England in 2008 when my hubby was living/working/travelling in the UK. We got married within a year 🙊💕 and had lived there near my home town (about 20 mins from my parents home) since then. Not always happily though as my husband went through clear bouts of depression wanting to return to Aus or just generally live someone different. He's always had itchy feet though - I mean we'd lived in 6 houses in 7 years. I think we finally decided it was time to make the move after we had our daughter. We have a 3 year old and 1 year old. We have been living in an Australia limbo since we met, not even buying a house "incase" we wanted to emigrate. And now my hubby is heading towards 40 (he's 36 but panics😂) he wants to buy a house, and I think that's here in Aus. So that's why the time was now - I couldn't face living in an Australia limbo any more, I wanted I do it while he kids were young so they'd adapt better and really I just wanted to get it over and done with. It wasn't an easy decision for me but I was at the end of my tether. This way I feel if/when we go back it's done and dusted, and no more talk of Aus. We can just get on with life, but of course it's not that simple.

I have always been honest with my DH and said that I just don't know if I can live so far from my family. I even remember one conversation in our kitchen back home and I said I'm crying at the thought of leaving, I love having my family down the road. I said what does this tell you? It tells me I don't really want to go. And his response was always "well I never saw myself settling down here". He would then be quiet and cranky. I am terrible with confrontation, I've avoided it my whole life. And so I carried on as normal, ploughing towards the inevitable, hoping some how I could clone myself so I could stay in England with my family and my hubby could go to Aus with me and live a happy life. I want him to be happy, I don't want to make him miserable. Sometimes I get terrible thoughts like it'd be better if we'd never got married. Or even if I disappeared over a cliff. At least then I wouldn't have to suffer missing my family (sometimes when I think of the time it'll be before I go back in Sept I feel so panicked). And my family wouldn't have to miss me knowing I'm all he way over here. That's in my lowest points.

To keep me going though I have my mam dad sister her bf and my niece coming to visit me in April smile ! I'm looking forward to that. And our son has just started kinder! I worry about him sometimes too, as he's had so much change.

I hope by September I feel more settled. Until then I'll continue to pray, and try and stay positive and try to enjoy our time here smile we can here for good, that was the plan. But I did agree to do a year and see how I feel. If I was good, another year, and so on.

Mils45 Sun 05-Feb-17 07:19:12

I agree with others, it takes 12 months to settle. I think you do your 12 months but give it your all. Get into it, put yourself out there, meet people, travel around and explore the area. Enjoy yourself!!! You are in australia lady ! It's a beautiful country!!! There is so much opportunity here. Jobs are good and weekends are like holidays.

I met a few people also from UK when I first moved here and they were so negative, always moaning about Aus and yes they have gone home now. But I just thought what a waste of money and time coming here and at least not making the most of the experience. I'm not suggesting this is you at all but good example to support my post.

Plus if at the end of the 12 months you still aren't happy you can tell husband you've tried your best to settle.

Mentally it's hard knowing England is so far away, but it is still a plane ride away (just a very long one). I didn't think I'd stay after 12 months but now so glad I stuck it out, not going anywhere now, four years has flown by.

What state are you in??

WS12 Sun 05-Feb-17 08:57:16

Don't get me wrong, I am not moaning about Australia. This is a beautiful country. We live in country Victoria about four hours from Melbourne - we live about 300m from the sea! I can hear the ocean in my garden, and cuckaburra (sp?) live in the trees! I am at home with my children as we are comfortable on one wage, we have a pretty nice set up, and only 5 months in.

But how do you ever get used to living your life separate from those you love the most? And that's what we are doing, it's separate lives. I just don't know if I can face missing out on birthdays, anniversaries, christmas... For the rest of my life. Because that's what it is. Yes some will be spent together - my dad is here for his birthday this year. But inevitably the vast majority of those won't be shared. And to me that's massive.

I have always thought maybe some people are cut out for emigrating and others aren't. And there's nothing wrong with either. My husband lived in the UK for 13 years. It wasn't the pull of family that brought him back and us too, it was the weather. We could be anywhere in Aus and he'd be happy I think.

I will give it time. And I will try hard! I gave up the job I loved, and I mean loved, to be here, so I'm not going to quit tomorrow. But what is making me think about our choice is how I can see relationships changing.

I don't quite feel a part of my hubbys family, we get on well and we everything's good, they are fiercely loyal to each other. But a close family. And I definitely know I'm not 'blood' if you know what I mean. But that's just them I guess. And at the same time, I feel myself becoming further away from my own family, a bit like I'm in a void. I see my mum on FaceTime and think god what I would give to be there with her sad daughters need to be with heir mothers. I think I'm realising it more and more. I miss my family, there was only four of us to start. And now we are here where my husband is one of seven. I can't help but feel for my parents too.

noschooll4mee Sun 05-Feb-17 09:02:38

WS12 .... I too could have written your post. I travelled in my 20s and early 30s . When eventually i realised all these were truths for me ☝ . Between travels i came home one Summer before moving to the Mediterranean , my youngest niece was hiding behind the sofa , all shy . It struck such a deep chord with me as we were such a close family. I was now that visiting auntie- unknown and someone to be a bit shy of. I lasted a couple of years abroad but I felt exactly as you did above.
I broke a 7 year relationship to come home but I don't regret it . I had to start over from nothing . The country you live in is just a backdrop to everyday life . Same old life different place. The most important thing for me was who was in my daily life . No one else knew me or loved me 100%like my family . Came home x

user1477282676 Sun 05-Feb-17 09:28:37

OP I am in a very similar situation. Lived in the UK with my Aussie husband for 12 years, had kids and he just couldn't settle. He tried....twelve years worth of trying!

Eventually I decided to come to Oz mainly because my family, though I LOVE them, are not an actively "together" family and I felt my DC would have a close relationship with their Aussie grandparents....which they do.

DH and I also have a better social life here in Oz as he has a big group of mates and their wives which I never had in the UK. I miss England...but it's not consuming me...I don't long for it all the time.

I think the best thing you can do is plan to get a job so that you can afford to visit for a good period every year. Visiting is hard in itself with DC but you will manage.

Australia is tough for many of us Brits...the shopping's rubbish for one! But there are so many benefits....I love the peace and the clean career has also taken off in a way if could not have done in the UK...too much competition!

Mils45 Sun 05-Feb-17 09:37:09

My UK friend here just had a baby and she is longing for her mum now. But in my opinion she met her man here, chose to marry and have a baby with an Aussie with the intention of staying here. Just like your husband met a Brit in the U.K. and chose to have children with you there.

You are right, some can do it and others can't and nothing wrong with either. You've told your husband 12 months at a time so just see how you are feeling towards end of the year and enjoy your time here :-) x

juneau Sun 05-Feb-17 10:15:08

FWIW OP, I think you and your DH are in a very common bind for UK/Aus marriages. I lived in London in my 20s and knew loads of Aussies. I had two Aussie housemates, and an Australian bf at one point. The thing is, they ALWAYS want to go home! I know of only a handful who manage to stick at life in the UK. Of the 30-40 Australians I knew at that time none of them are still in the UK. And a few married Brits and took them back to Australia .... of which I know of three marriages that have now failed. Another friend met her Aussie DH in Australia, moved back here together, but he couldn't hack it, so they split up and he went home.

You have to be very committed to one another to make this work and one of you has to be willing to give up their home, family, etc, because as you are discovering, it's not possible for both of you to have your country and family - one has to make that sacrifice.

Please check out your legal status though. I would hate for you to stick it out for a year, two years, three - realise you can't do it - that you simply have to return to the UK for your sanity and happiness - and then discover that the only way for you to leave will be to leave your kids in Aus - so basically you're stuck there forever, whether you like it or not. Whatever choice you make, make it an informed one.

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