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Found dh has a secret msg account WWYD

(19 Posts)
flumpsnlumpsnstuff Sat 04-Feb-17 10:07:29

Dh and I have been through hell, over the years but have fought through it all to stick together. We have been married 14yrs and together for 21yrs. The last 3 weeks he has been acting strange, late home, short temper etc I put it down to health worries which we put to rest Thursday. But last night he went to bed in a total strop after our dd2 had a hormonal moment she was being a pain. I'm not proud but I checked his phone, we went through similar 9years ago and it turned out he was sexting a women. We worked through it and he was absolutely sickened by all he'd nearly lost.
Anyway my point is his phone was wiped, like no history of last used, no web history but then in messenger there was a notification so I looked and it said secret messages ? What is this and why would he have it turned on if he wasn't up to something ? Sorry for the ramble, he is a good man just fucking stupid at times and low confidence can make him easy to bypass his brain any advice or anyone know about these secret messages ?

OnionKnight Sat 04-Feb-17 10:19:05

What did the notification say exactly?

Whenever I install Facebook Messenger onto a new phone I always get a notification about secret messages sometime after, I do not and have never used secret messages.

PaterPower Sat 04-Feb-17 10:19:23

Don't know, sorry, but the completely wiped phone suggests an unusual level of 'hygiene' - the only reason I'd even consider doing something like that would be if the phone was on the edge of running out of useable memory and I'd cleared space so it would keep running. Not sure I'd ever want to get rid of all my old texts etc though.

I'm not a fan of snooping, I believe really strongly in mutual respect of privacy. However, that is not a dig - I do understand the drive to be sure, particularly with your history with dh and his recent behaviour.

IsNotGold Sat 04-Feb-17 10:23:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flumpsnlumpsnstuff Sat 04-Feb-17 10:26:02

Onion the notification was a generic one about people he may know, not related but on the same screen there was something saying secret message -I followed that and saw he had it turned on . That's what made me worried. I checked my phone and it is off ( probably because I didn't know it existed)
Peter I know it's not something I would do normally and I do feel bad but with the recent behaviour I did it anyway blush
I just don't really know how to deal with it, if I ask him it will be deleted and he will deny it all till the absolute end. And I'm not even sure he is doing anything, but he is turning a certain age this year that sends some men a bit mad ?

flumpsnlumpsnstuff Sat 04-Feb-17 10:28:10

Thanks isnot so he could be doing it to stop our DD's seeing chats with his mates very laddish talk

OnionKnight Sat 04-Feb-17 10:29:12

Okay, the notification wasn't wasn't saying something like you can only have secret messages on one device? Because like I said, I get that even though I have never used them.

flumpsnlumpsnstuff Sat 04-Feb-17 10:33:45

No it didn't say that but he only has one device, think I'm just feeling crap as we were finally having some luck.

OnionKnight Sat 04-Feb-17 10:36:41


Maybe it's to stop your DD from seeing inappropriate conversations?

<clutches at straws>

flumpsnlumpsnstuff Sat 04-Feb-17 10:45:22

Onion that's what I'm hoping, does that make me nuts ?

PaterPower Sat 04-Feb-17 10:56:05

Ok, so I've just taken a look at the link that IsNot sent and the "secret" bit isn't anything to worry about - it's just end to end encryption. It means the message can't be read other than on the sending and receiving devices.

The bit that's potentially more useful for sneaking around is the automatic deletion of messages - you can set it to delete after a set amount of time. You'd probably have to check his settings to see if he's enabled that bit, but it might explain the lack of anything.

Deleting his entire web history isn't related although it's possible to set the phone up to do that automatically and it is a more secure approach and some would say the only sensible thing to do from a data security POV.

Is he someone who's quite obsessive about privacy (including from the potential of "them" reading anything they want to intercept)? There are some people - I work with more than a few! - who are quite the fans of securing anything they send to each other and anyone else. Quite why MI5 would be interested in their social lives escapes me, but for some it's the principle of it that's important.

Emboo19 Sat 04-Feb-17 10:59:01

Is it secret messager on Facebook?

dementedma Sat 04-Feb-17 10:59:29

I regularly wipe my email accounts and browsing history and phone log etc. It feels like old clutter to me, just taking up space and not needed so I regularly delete. Also makes my phone very dull for anyone who thinks they have the right to go through it!

flumpsnlumpsnstuff Sat 04-Feb-17 11:02:02

Shit ! I'm officially a moron, apparently dd1 borrowed his phone as she had smashed hers again and bribed daddy into not telling and paying to fix it so he deleted anything he thought she shouldn't see. The secret messages were hers to her mates as she didn't want dh to read them later. I just got the truth as dh saw I'd been through his phone ( I left all the apps open apparently) and called dd to tell her to fess up blush off to make his favourite meal.
Oh and yes he's stressed as he's trying to arrange for our first ever holiday without the kids for our anniversary! He's very cross with me.
But I'm going on holiday to Paris !!!

FourToTheFloor Sat 04-Feb-17 11:05:50

Good outcome OP smile

Emboo19 Sat 04-Feb-17 11:12:52

Whoops!! blush glad it's nothing to worry about though!

SuperFlyHigh Sat 04-Feb-17 11:15:48

Good outcome but after his sexting ages ago even if you've forgiven him, he can be trusted etc does he really expect you won't have the odd wobble moment once or twice?!

flumpsnlumpsnstuff Sat 04-Feb-17 16:03:04

Actually he was very upset that he may have made me doubt him, it never occurred to him that the secretive behaviour would lead to that. I am big enough to admit when I'm wrong and this time I was.

SuperFlyHigh Sun 05-Feb-17 12:53:30

Well at least he knows now he won't dare to be led astray again and you know not to snoop and to trust more!

But have to be honest I'd have maybe not snooped but had doubts.

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