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The Single Forever Club

(42 Posts)
DaisyDoesIt Sat 04-Feb-17 09:35:53

So after being in 4 relationships spanning 14 years, and all of them being deeply unsatisfying in one way or another. I'm making the decision at 30 years old to stay single for good and focus on my DD and businesses.

I've heard it all. "Oh, but you are still young" and "it's not you, it's them" and "you need to work on yourself, so you don't attract the wrong bloke" and, "but you need to love yourself more".

The fact is, I think I'm a lovely, kind hearted person (probably too kind). And I have a lot of respect for myself these days (maybe not so much in my younger years) but I guess you live and learn. The heartache and pain I've suffered by being in these relationships was just not worth the "good times". The endless compromising I've had to do, and after recently dipping my toes back into OLD, I can see that it is rife with game players...

I just don't trust men now. In a way, I'm sad that it has got to this point but I know deep down this is it for me. I'm simply tired. I feel like that the only way I can live my life with clarity, happiness and an intact soul, is to be alone. Does anyone else feel like this? Would love to chat.

jeaux90 Sat 04-Feb-17 09:57:49

I did feel like that for a while. A string of crap relationships behind me.

I did what you are doing. Focussed on my dd and my career for the last four years (went on the occasional date) but made my fun time about my friends and family.

This time did me the world of good. I got really comfortable in my own company and got really healthy again.

Then I met someone last year. Taking it slow. Never say never, but if you want to focus on those major things in your life for a while then do it xxx

Nomoreworkathome Sat 04-Feb-17 09:58:06

I was like you a few years back. I understand where you are coming from. Conscious decision made after a string of awful r'ships. I am now married and happy. All I would say is keep an open mind.

Jimmymum Sat 04-Feb-17 10:09:20

I was the same age as you when I thought the same. Ten years on, still single now, no dating whatsoever, I'm sure I have saved myself pain and heartache. I also look quite young for my age, which I think is down to less stress. However, now I have developed a crush on someone who is totally different from my usual type, (extremely intelligent geek), very serious too and a strong character. It obvious he is interested but I avoid him, it's gone on for years now, he has not dated either in this time. I'm just terrified of being let down and trusting again. I do enjoy flirting with him when our paths crossed, I love the attention. Good luck!

noego Sat 04-Feb-17 11:11:14

I joined 4 years ago.

Now non monogamous, polyamorous, open, sapio-sexual.
Psychologically free. Physically free.
In relationships with like minded people, after all we still need affection, love, physical contact, sex. intimacy, but without the aggro.
I love my lifestyle, I have never been so happy and fulfilled. Do not have any hang-ups about anything, no guilt, no fears.
I won't be going back to a conventional, conformist life anytime soon.

Where do I sign up for lifetime membership smile

Christmasmice Sat 04-Feb-17 12:28:57

I can hugely relate.

My relationships have brought more bad than good. At present I get a lot from being single

I'm about to start dating again but rather dubious as to what luck I will have. I'd still like to believe that there's a nice guy out there

miracleplease Sat 04-Feb-17 12:29:12

Hi, I'm a fairly new member.
I don't think I can do healthy relationships, so I'm swearing off for the foreseeable and focusing on friendships and family.
I miss the intimacy and the sex, but don't miss the abuse and that outweighs the former.
Therapy is helping me too.

hefzi Sat 04-Feb-17 12:33:27

11 years for me-since my early 30s. I think some people just aren't made for relationships, and I'm one of them. If I get a bit sad and lonely at times, I draw on my list of reasons it's awesome - being able to eat cold pizza in bed is definitely one!

TigerSinging Sat 04-Feb-17 12:45:41

I feel like that the only way I can live my life with clarity, happiness and an intact soul, is to be alone. Does anyone else feel like this?

So beautifully written, OP.

And I hear ya.

I know lots of people say 'someone will come along' but the reality is that for some people, they won't. Its not good or bad, its just the way it is. I wasted alot of my time poncing about in my 30s looking for a relationship that was never there, and was never going to be. If I'd put that energy into something else .... Perhaps I'm more likely to be alone because I am a little different (in a positive way I'd like to think), perhaps circumstances, perhaps because I simply have had another path in life, or all those things.

TigerSinging Sat 04-Feb-17 12:47:56

P.S. With hindsight also - in my 50s now - I think creatively living the life you want to (or searching for such a life) is far more important that meeting some bloke to have "a relationship with".

user1479305498 Sat 04-Feb-17 12:48:20

every sympathy. I have had 3 long relationships since I was 16 (2 marriages) am now 55. Each of them has at various points made me very unhappy (and they were all quite different personalities) . I think far too much emphasis is made in society on long term relationships and I also think the sheer cost in this country in getting by these days has forced people into unsuitable relationships that are often hard to get out of.

Bct23 Sat 04-Feb-17 12:50:47

If you miss sex and intimacy you can get that without having to have a relationship unless you can't deal with the emotional side of it. Lots of fellas will oblige with this one and there are sites specifically for that. Always best to choose someone you don't know and only find physically attractive. You don't even have to like them. Good in bed, good looking and reliable is all you need.

jeaux90 Sat 04-Feb-17 12:56:33

Yep bct23 definitely one of the things I missed and did a bit of that. Had a fwb for a while too which is lovely has long as you can switch off on the emotions as you say.

miracleplease Sat 04-Feb-17 13:02:44

Bct23 for me those things are only any good with someone I care deeply for. I have tried it without a relationship, but it leaves me feeling worse.

noego Sat 04-Feb-17 13:22:45

I agree with miracleplease.

Friends and lovers every-time. But open and honest F&L's.

cafesociety Sat 04-Feb-17 13:48:01

I also made the decision to be single and stay that way after a marriage and 4 serious relationships spanning 30 years in total.
Disillusioned and very hurt, it has left it's mark and I do not trust.

I would rather keep my soul, mental health and freedom, I'm free from compromises, criticisms and heartache. It works for me.

On my own but it suits me better. Lonely but my own person. It doesn't suit everyone and I see a lot of misery in those who try so hard to make broken relationships work and/or are in sad denial.

May50 Sat 04-Feb-17 14:37:13

Yep , me too. Separated a few months back now. Currently clearing and de-cluttering the house of ex P's old junk. Very therapeutic ! Going to focus on me and DC now. May want to date at some point in very far off future, but will never again live with a partner.

StrartinngfromHere Sat 04-Feb-17 15:14:00

Definitely. I had a very long marriage with a man who saw it as his right to criticise me and put me down and, it turned out, cheat on me as well. I assume all that made him feel better. It did not make me feel better.

I have absolutely no interest in starting another relationship. I'm actually very happy doing my own thing and only having to be accountable to myself. I know what you mean about having an intact soul OP, I felt mine had been well chewed when my divorce finally came through.

Trustyourself2 Sat 04-Feb-17 15:45:49

Single after LTR and have no intention or opportunity to get involved with anyone. Am adjusting to living on my own and am someone who's happy to be alone, mostly. I have no interest in OLD. I do wonder if I'll be with anyone in the future and I can honestly say that I don't think it'll happen - I know what I'm like and I just can't see it.

Be on your own and see where life takes you. You're in charge.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 04-Feb-17 16:18:22

Ugh sign me up. Been single nearly 8 years after my ex fiancee left me for another woman. Tried to make connections with men in that time but nothing ever happened, so its just me and DD.

Currently nursing a massive crush on the new gut at work. Not gonna happen so need avoid him.

BitchQueen90 Sat 04-Feb-17 16:57:55

I'm signing up. I'm not very good in relationships and I don't enjoy them. I'm happy having "friends with benefits" as I enjoy the sexual side but not the rest of it. Honestly, I want to give my attention to my DS and my work, not a man. I want to do things my way and not have to consider the feelings and needs of a partner.

3lovelykids Sat 04-Feb-17 17:19:26

Me too. Recently separated. Cant imagine dating yet. Very scary!!

category12 Sat 04-Feb-17 17:25:49

Yes, I think I'll join you grin. I do have a boyfriend, but no intention of ever 'progressing' it. Don't want to lose my independence or live with anyone again. I'm so much happier now I'm on my own.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 04-Feb-17 17:35:08

I have crushes on men but the very idea of getting near one makes my blood run cold. Latest crush doesnt scare me so much.

GrandDesespoir Sat 04-Feb-17 17:50:31

Can I join?

Nothing but shit from men for the last 12 years, so I've given up trying. The thought of dealing with the lies, the ghosting, the manipulation, the gaslighting, fills me with horror.

I have a lover for sex and intimacy. He's also a liar, but it doesn't really matter as it's not going anywhere.

I think it's a pity my opinion of men has been so clouded as I'm sure there are one or two decent penis-owners out there, but I'd be a fool to expect anything different at this stage after the unmitigated catalogue of shits over the last decade.

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