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Online daters, can I ask honestly what your rejection rate after the first date is?

(31 Posts)
Yaydawnredwooods Sat 04-Feb-17 08:43:42

So I've been online dating on/off for the past few years. Been on 10 dates, from both Tinder and POF. Of these, 6 were not interested in a second date- a couple let me know directly but most just didn't get back in touch after the first. Of the remaining 4, I turned down 2 (one when ds was tiny and I didn't feel ready to take things further, one because he showed a disrespectful level of flakiness), had one evolve into a 14 month relationship, and one casual sex set up that suited at the time.
So that gives me a rejection rate of 60%, which i have the unpleasant feeling is high/crap for a woman, but have no point of reference to compare. A quick google reminds me that many people have a 'kid in a sweet shop' approach to OLD, making rejection par for the course. However, other sources say that men are waaaaaaay less picky than woman, and will normally accept a 2nd date with anyone who meets a basic thresh-hold of attractiveness/politeness/sanity. A quick scroll through threads here does seem to confirm this- woman doing more rejecting than men (If only at the early stages) and having plenty of offers for 2nd/3rd dates. That said 'we didn't meet again as there was no chemistry' could well be omitting the fact it was him who never got in touch. I also suspect the numbers game comes into play here- if your on 10 dates a month, your going to be far too busy with the 4 who want to see you again to care about the 6 who don't. How do you find the time as single mums though?

So before I launch into analysis/whinge of 'what I'm doing wrooooong' I just wanted to check with other woman what is actually normal.

FWIW this has been through Tinder and POF. I found Tinder the easiest to get matches/dates, and the rejection rate was similar but that the men i met from pof seemed more genuine/relationship-focused.

sarahja99 Sat 04-Feb-17 08:53:43

I married the man I went on my first date with and I was the only person he went on any dates with too. We used a site that was focused on matching people for LTR/marriage though. In your profile you had to include a lot of detail and answer psychological profile questions. Then first communication was via guided questions etc so we had chatted and knew a lot about each other before meeting. Rather than just I like the look of you let's meet up. Maybe think about the quality of matches you're making rather than the quantity?

BumDNC Sat 04-Feb-17 10:10:24

I have online dated on and off for many years 7? I can't recall how many dates I've been on, probably 10 or so that got to that stage and I probably rejected most of them after the first date except 1, we dated for a while then he backed out.

But since I turned 30, the men I met in 'real life' through friends or nights out I have been seeing (as in more than a few dates, over a few months) ended things with me because I wanted something more substantial than sex. One dumped me after 9 months and the other about 3 months. I dumped one after 2 months.

I dumped the last 2 FWB type guys, I just never text them again. One I didn't really fancy very much and the other was a head fuck.

18 months after I last saw the headfuck FWB bloke, I rejoined POF. I was on there one week and got chatting to a nice guy. I finally went on a date with him after - month (none of the others and had stopped chatting to anyone). We are still together now and I adore him.

So I have been dumped more after actually knowing someone for a few months which made me feel that my single mother status or personality was the issue. I am not sure I would have been as hurt by the one date ones as we didn't really know each other and that's based on a first impression not knowing you more intimately and deciding it's not right.

LesisMiserable Sat 04-Feb-17 10:14:45

Ive been rejected (nicely) once out of about 7 online first dates. I've been with my partner for two and a half years now though, met on Tinder.

Newbrummie Sat 04-Feb-17 10:21:14

99% tbh. Sayingbthat the guy I'm with was a tinder date but we kept the banter going whilst both seeing other people and not seeing each other tbh and then one day it all just clicked into place

Breezy1985 Sat 04-Feb-17 10:26:14

I was quite lucky, my partner was my first tinder date, we've been together for a year now.

Trills Sat 04-Feb-17 10:37:46

Were you actually interested in those six?

Or are you just upset that they didn't ask you on another date?

The most important thing for me is whether I want to go on another date, and I'd say well over half of them I don't.

I couldn't tell you my "rejection rate" because many of the men who don't ask me on a second date may (rightly) have picked up the impression that I don't want them to.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Sat 04-Feb-17 10:49:41

I've spent about 8 months in total doing OD (on and off because there were relationships in between).

I have been on many, many first dates. I have only been on one where he didn't request a second date, but I didn't want to go out with him again either, so no great loss. Nothing was said, just we didn't contact each other again. Still a pleasant date, and we chatted for hours, but it was obvious we'd never be together.

Of the men I saw more than once, only one of them told me (after about 6 or 7 dates) that he didn't see it going anywhere. Which was fair enough. He is really into fitness and I'm not. I suspect he just didn't find me physically attractive enough. Which is also fair enough.

Yaydawnredwooods Sat 04-Feb-17 10:50:40

So, lesismiserable, am I correct in thinking thats 6 out of 7 men wanted to see you again,

bumDNC, 9-ish out of 10 wanted to see you again?

There was me hoping my rejection rate would be average-ish, but it seems I do genuinely suck at online dating. Which makes sense, as I'm asd and thus rather crap socially. However, in real life it's never been a huge hindrance in terms of attracting men, get hit on at the same rate sometimes even more then friends on my rare nights out. It's just as a single parent with a very small social circle I can't really rely on real life for suitable relationship men....the recent 'offers' have been married....or recovering addicts. Did have a brief fling with a man from work but that turned out to be a path I'd rather not retread for obvious reasons.

Yaydawnredwooods Sat 04-Feb-17 10:56:09

Trills....hmmmm, good question. I think I would have given most a chance, however there were 2 who I found quite boring so I was privately rather relieved they didn't ask. About 3 I liked and was gutted not to here back from..

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Sat 04-Feb-17 10:58:05

Yay I have AS. I find social stuff excruciatingly hard!

I treated it all as practice. I worked out almost a 'script' for dating. Not one that I followed rigidly, but I worked out what I wanted to talk about beforehand and then followed that.

I find the advice to "ask them questions about themselves" hard, because I generally can't think of anything to ask them about what they're telling me because I can't 'imagine' what they're saying well enough to be able to see what they are saying, so no questions emerge.

I found just smiling a lot, letting them talk, and laughing at their jokes worked well enough initially (even when I didn't get them wink)

I realised it's just a game. All you need to do is work out the rules and learn how to play it.

TheJiminyConjecture Sat 04-Feb-17 10:58:08

I went on 4 first dates when on pof. All wanted a second date. Saying that sounds a bit arrogant on my part but the reality is 2 we got on really well (one is now DH, the other reminded me too much of my uncle for there to be any sexual attraction on my part). Of the other two, one clearly wasn't over his last relationship so needed a relationship and the other was blindingly unaware of the fact he talked at me and was fucking condescending throughout our date.

BumDNC Sat 04-Feb-17 11:01:00

Out of the 9/10 men who wanted to see me again, you haven't factored in the fact that they were the only ones I had available as dating options and I wasn't all that keen on most of them even prior to the date but felt like I should go anyway to see how it was. As I progressed over time I stopped agreeing to dates I knew I wouldn't enjoy

Newbrummie Sat 04-Feb-17 11:23:59

Men generally won't even swipe if they don't fancy you and that initially is all they care about in my experience. If they think they might get into your knickers on date two of course they want to see you again. It does come down to if the woman wants to see them again usually

LesisMiserable Sat 04-Feb-17 11:26:15

Yes, 6 out of the 7 wanted another date, out of those 6 I dated 3 of them, one just a couple of times, one for a couple of months and my partner now. The first two basically really I wasnt the one they were looking for , they ended it (ghosted) although the second one still messages me now we have a "friendship" insofar as he'll tell me what he's been up to dating wise. I've fixed him up on a couple of dates with friends too. He knows I'm happily in a relationship but still says I was the one that got away (talk is cheap, he dumped me) . I dont fancy him and I cringe when I think about dating him now. And then there's my lovely partner smile

Newbrummie Sat 04-Feb-17 11:27:35

I'm no super model, blonde with big tits doesn't hurt, but in 8 months over 3000 matches ..... shows it's a numbers game to most men

dangerrabbit Sat 04-Feb-17 11:31:04

Over ten years ago now so out of date, but around 1 in 10 first dates led to a second date. Mostly out of my choice as I used it as a screening tool and didn't get emotionally invested so there were no hard feelings if they didn't want a second date. Like other posters have said, maybe think about who you like? Do you actually want to date these people, or is just wanting to feel wanted? Maybe you need to get a bit more ruthless in weeding people out.

Yaydawnredwooods Sat 04-Feb-17 11:36:00

Newbrummie- getting matches isn't a issue. I have hundreds within 2 months as well. And my photos are realistic, up to date ect (in fact I'm not very photogenic and believe I generally look better irl)

LesisMiserable Sat 04-Feb-17 11:37:15

How is it a numbers game to most 'men' when you must have swiped right on them as well ??

RaeofSun Sat 04-Feb-17 11:51:18

Go on the dating website. You can share stories and have a laugh with others in the same boat. OLD can be harsh from the stories. Need an armadillo shell me thinks grin

RaeofSun Sat 04-Feb-17 11:52:02

hmm not dating website but dating thread ... need coffee

TheNaze73 Sat 04-Feb-17 11:55:22

I think your phrasing is wrong. It's not rejection, far from it after one date. You're just not right for each other in gut instinct. If you had been rejected constantly in a proper relationship (anything 5 years+) I think that would be an issue.
Don't sweat the small stuff OP & good luck

Yaydawnredwooods Sat 04-Feb-17 11:59:20

Also, when they ask to see you on the end of the date, but don't contact you afterwards? Is this a common thing? It's what I've experienced with the 2 most recent ones.

1 asked me a fairly luke-warm 'see you again' to which I gave a fairly luke warm 'yeah we'll keep in touch' reply, which maybe he interpreted as me not being bothered (and I wasn't really). However, the other one I really liked, we made a plan with day and location set for a next meeting....then no contact! Maybe he went on a better date the next night.

LesisMiserable Sat 04-Feb-17 12:01:42

I think a lot of people find it awkward finishing off a date...unless there was absolute fireworks I think both parties are a bit unsure and dont want to say too much.

Bct23 Sat 04-Feb-17 12:54:57

If you dangle a bloke a carrot on date 1, he willl often come back for more....maybe you aren't dangling enough carrots

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