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Problems with mum & dad(17 Posts)
My mum & dad, have been horrible to me and my children.
As I've been growing up and Finding my own way in life my parents have let me down so badly I feel. There's many little things that they've both said over the years that have seriously hurt me and now it's all come to a head.
My parents argued when I was a teenager quite badly and nearly split up on numerous occasions, once when I lived at home my own mum said to me as I was walking out the door to a Saturday job (I was a teenager) "you best decide who you want live with because when you get back I won't be hear, me and your dad are splitting up"
Needless to say I was mortified and in floods of tears!
What kind of parent says that to their children?
Years down the line I've met my boyfriend (now husband) and we're both living at home still but serious about one another, it's time for us to go house hunting, we find a house that we are really keen on, I ask my dad time and the me again if he'd come and give his opinion on the house all I got of him was "I haven't got time" this was over a six month period. I thought to myself great just what every daughter said wants to hear. Years later my brother needs to go house hunting my dad travels 120miles round trip for him but couldn't manage 10miles for me.
Just as we was purchasing said house I need a new car, asked dad again would you come with me, again he just kept saying hadn't got the time, so I get my now father in law to come check it out with me and buy it! I take it round to show my mum & dad, and my own mother turns to me & says " your dads really mad with you for buying that car he thinks it's crap"
Comes to my wedding, for 6months I tried to get my mum & dad involved with almost every aspect of it, again it was hard work!!! No time to do that from my dad and my mum just been awkward! They didn't want to go see the venue with me, mum was mardy because I got a company in to do the flowers and she thought she should do them it wasn't a case of my mum offering to do them she just thought she should get to do them. I Got told by my mum " your dad thinks the wedding flowers are going to look shit"! When I went wedding dress shopping with my mum sister and mother in law, my mum & sister couldn't get out the shop fast enough. Even my mother in law said it was a bit weird how they was.
Comes to my wedding day, there was absolutely no fuss made about me by them, when the wedding car turned up my dad wasn't even dressed, he was just sat there drinking tea, and when the driver said to my dad "what are you doing man" he just said stupidly "well their not going to start with out us are they" I was nearly in tears because of him! My dad even tuck it upon himself to start moving where people were sitting on the day with out asking me or my husband, after not been bothered during the whole
Mum & dad was the only people at my wedding that didn't give me a wedding present, which i can accept in away if they didn't want to do so, but for my dad a year later to start saying
" he's surprised I can afford to go out with my mates for nights out when I couldn't afford to go out for his birthday meal" this was after I'd given him a present" &he also started giving off saying "I paid for some of your sisters wedding"
It hurt me so much for him to be like that, I mean it's supposed to be a big day for the bride but they seriously went to no effort.
My oldest daughter who's 6, asked my mum once if she could go for a sleep over and my mum in a horrible voice just said no, so I confronted her about this and the way she spoke to my daughter and she just said she was joking! Which she wasn't, she'd just been confronted and couldn't really say anything else! My daughter had chicken pox once and my mum never rung up to see if she was ok and if i needed help, and when confronted about this, she just turned round me and my husband and said "I didn't want too"
Any way so you've got the general idea of how horrible they have been, and I've just put up With it and got on with my life as best as I can.
well a couple Of Years ago I was round at my mum n dads at the beginning of December for tea when my dad turned to me and in a stupid voice said "we're having pork for Christmas Dinner is that ok With you"
To which I said "do what you want I'm off to my in laws for Christmas seen as last Christmas Day you could only manage to spend 20minutes before dinner with my daughter!"
He soon shut up and I promptly left. The next morning I get a snotty phone call off my mum telling me how I've upset my dad and I should be sorry. Well with that all the above came out about the wedding and the house.my mum was shocked that I'd spoken back to her and she turned round n said "well when your dad got the sack from work you should of done more For him"
I put the phone down after that, and rang my husband at work in floods of tears, to which he rang my mum up and had a go at her as I was pregnant and at home with our other daughter who was asking me what was wrong with her mummy!
2nights later my mum n dad come round to try sort things out, which I thought they had listened to how they'd made to feel and they said they'd make more of an effort with our daughter.
So it goes from December to February and there wasn't any big problems we kept our distance and was polite when we saw them, then it comes to our daughters birthday and my dad doesn't even pop round on her birthday or nearly 2months after her birthday, they live in the next village, to which really annoyed me and my husband he had seen enough by that point!
He kept his mouth shut, but I said something to my mum & dad about it. My mum knew my dad was in the wrong, because she sent him
Round the next day to apologise.
Any way our 2nd daughter was born and they popped round a few times to see her and then one night, my dad came into our house didn't let me or my husband know he was in the house (which I find rude) and just proceeded to play with out oldest daughter!
When my husband came of the bath he went crazy, he told
My dad to get out the house, which he refused which was stupid of my dad who does he think he is just walking into other people's
Houses with out letting an adult know he's in the house. Then my husband just confronted him About everything to which he had no real
Answer just very poor excuses, my husband told him to stop handling our oldest daughter the way he was which put my dad right on the spot, he clearly didn't like it. Eventually my dad left but it was clear to me that from his answers when my husband was laying into him that he hadn't listened to anything I had said the time when my mum n dad came over to try sort things out.
After that eventfull night my mums gone round most of her family slagging me and my husband off saying all
Sorts of twisted stuff, which has made me feel un welcome at even my grandads house, because he doesn't question anything she says.
It's all made me feel that low I've had to go to the doctors and I've been recommended for councilling,
Surely it's not right that I've been hurt in this way, I don't want to let my kids down by been depressed.my mum n dad are playing the victim because my husbands told them where to get off! Me and my husband are fine and so are the kids I just don't really feel I can speak to any of my family on my mums side because she's just gone round mouthing off,my own mother has even turned to me recently and said "I'm just glad this isn't making your grandad Ill" I've not even involved him my mum has, it's almost emotional black mail a lot of this stuff. It's not like I spoke to anybody apart from my husband about any of the above before hand.
The ironic thing is tho, my mum and dad haven't said a word about this to any of my dads side of the family because they'd probably question what they've been doing!
I mean what's my husband supposed to do, just sit by seeing me become a shell of my former self because my mum and dad are in a way bullying me, he should stick up for me and the kids right?
What would you do....?
So wait... your father entered your house without you knowing and started playing with your oldest daughter: "my husband told him to stop handling our oldest daughter the way he was" WTF!? What was going on.
This aside even, your parents sound horrendous. Cut them off. They're not worth it.
If they were not your parents but a couple you were friends with would you continue to see them? Probably not. They are not supporting you or even being nice in any way. I'd just stop making any effort. Just let the relationship go. It does not sound like they will notice. Just stop phoning/ meeting and protect yourself and your family from their shit. Sounds very unhealthy and nasty. Cut them off.
Unfortunately, they are not going to change and become the parents you deserve. You have given them the chance by telling them how you feel. I would withdraw now and stop expecting them to behave like reasonable people. Do you PIL live near? Maybe you could nurture your relationship with them.
I don't say this very often but I would go no contact. They sound awful.
Yeh I get on like a house on fire with my inlaws part of me wonders if that's what my parents don't like
How did your dad walk into your house??!! You should cut them out, they seem nasty and selfish and may harm your dc.
It is not your fault your parents are like this; they are toxic people and you in your family of origin are really their scapegoat for all their inherent ills. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. Your brother and sister are their "golden children" and what you describe is not atypical of what happens in a narcissistic family structure. You grew up within that in your own family of origin.
You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, your parents are really no different. They were not good parents to you when growing up and they are both poor role models as grandparents as well. You all now need to stay well away from them and have no further contact. You have your DHs full support here and that is a good thing, he knows what your parents are like.
I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward and post too on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. My guess is that your own fear, obligation and guilt towards these people has left you stymied. FOG are but three of many damaging legacies left by such people to their now adult children. Reading the "out of the Fog" website could also help you.
They sound dreadful, but how did he get into the house? It could've been anyone coming in surely?
NHS counselling can be very limited in scope (you only get a small number of sessions) and it can have a long waiting list. I would instead contact BACP and see if you can find someone to talk to via them.
Counsellors are like shoes; you need to find someone who fits in with your approach so the first person you see may not be the right one.
Oldest daughter unlocked the door for him, it's her grandad after all so was happy to see him, she doesn't understand any of this and i don't want her to be effected. it's the fact that he didn't shout through the house to let me or my husband know he was there which really mad us made! As he left the house I think he knew he'd done wrong but just won't admit it and tries to put a brace face on.
I can't even talk about it to my brother or sister because my mum has been mouthing off about my husband having a go at my dad, theyre both not happy that our dad was told to clear off, and told to stop handling our child the way he was.
I'm getting horrible messages from my brother who works away,telling me it's bollocks about them been horrible to me during my wedding and that my husband has no right to speak to his dad like that. is it just me but what gives them the right to try and tell me and my husband how our children should be handle and also just walking into our house unannounced!
I suppose I've just kept my mouth shut for that long it's built up and they've pushed it to far and it's a big shock to them to get a full blown reaction. Some of the stuff that they've been confronted about and there's no excuse they either say didn't happen or just can't remember
Look, you have your place in your family, you are the one they all feel free to put upon.
You'd be far happier without them messing with your emotions, honest! How brave do you feel? Could you send a message or two and then block/ignore the fallout?
If so, tell your DB he has no idea what has been going on, he needs to keep his opinion to himself and that you won't be trying to justify your life to him, at any point.
Make no more attempts to discuss anything with your DPs. A short "No" will be all the response you need offer them.
You need to get your own feelings sorted, along the lines of do you actually like your family as individuals or are you just trying because they are family?
I came to the sad conclusion that my DPs have absolutely no idea who I am as an adult and that they care even less! So I have very, very little contact with them (easy as they live in Spain). My life became so much easier once I let myself believe that I really have nothing in common with them at all!
"Oldest daughter unlocked the door for him, it's her grandad after all so was happy to see him, she doesn't understand any of this and i don't want her to be effected"
But is she being affected. She has likely seen and heard more than you care to realise. You need to give her the age appropriate truth re her grandparents. Not all grandparents are nice and loving by any means. Your father overstepped the mark again and he knows it as well.
You are truly the scapegoat for your parents inherent ills. That position you hold within your family of origin will not change. Your mother has certainly seen to that and your dad goes along with her out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. They have abjectly failed you as parents.
I am not at all surprised either to read that your brother (who has also acted here as a flying monkey) has also turned on you; as one of their golden children they want to maintain such status with the parents. Your brother has simply acted in his best interests here, certainly not yours.
Infact I would now block his number from your phone. You do not need his unwanted and unwarranted take on the situation.
Cut off all contact with them. They are toxic and neither you or your family need them in your lives.
Them claiming to not remember it is a classic toxic parent thing to do. I think that is addressed in the "But we took you to stately homes" thread, that someone else has already recommended. It's not you. It's them. We believe you.
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