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My daughter has not invited me to her wedding

(125 Posts)
Sosad1 Sat 04-Feb-17 04:05:49

My daughter has remained silent towards me for the past 6 years. I have tried so many times to try and find a solution, she refuses to talk. I have respected her wishes and now learn she is getting married in 6 weeks time. I am not invited. I am devastated and simply cannot understand what is at the bottom of all this. I believe my mother had something to do with this state of affairs, she wrote me a ghastly letter about all my faults, and it went on for pages. She showed this letter to my daughter. I think my daughter was the daughter she wanted. I never felt love from her, and she was jealous of the loving relationship I had with my father (now dead) I do my best to help my old mother and she realises I can be useful, but the damage has been done between my daughter and myself. I was thinking I could slip into the back of the church and slip out again, just to see my only daughter getting married. I would love to see her, but would not want her to see me if this would upset her in any way. Should I just realise I have no daughter anymore? I was a single parent and gave up so much for her while she was growing up, making sure I was available and only taking work where I could take her until she was 5. My parents babysat her. My daughter has a terrible temper, and I have lived through her anorexia when she was 14, which was terrifying.Sorry this is garbled, I am in despair. I have a son 7 years younger than his half sister and we have a loving relationship. Everyone else in my family has been invited, except me.

derxa Sat 04-Feb-17 04:10:09

I think that's very sad. I just want to acknowledge your pain.

Frazzeledandfuckedoff Sat 04-Feb-17 04:11:59

What do the other members of your family say about it?
How did you find out?

Sosad1 Sat 04-Feb-17 04:14:03

Many of them have begged her to reconsider, she is adamant.

Sosad1 Sat 04-Feb-17 04:19:28

My mother told me, and then my son confirmed it. Even my personal friends have been invited. All my friends say I should go to the church, but my mother says it is my daughters day, and she fears a terrible scene if my daughter sees me, She has tried to talk to my daughter to change her mind.
Says if I do not go may be my daughter's attitude will soften towards me. I think this is just another manipulation from both of them.

Archduke Sat 04-Feb-17 04:19:36

Gosh that is awful, I'm so sorry.

However I find it very strange that your daughter has not spoken to you for SIX years and is still angry to the extent that she hasn't invited her mum to her wedding and you have very little idea why? This story about her being poisoned by her grandmother is very unusual. Did she spend a lot of time living with her grandmother? Did the anorexia have roots in family disruption? Is she very angry about her childhood?

Could you write to her - without blaming or questioning but to say you love her and wish her well for her wedding and you would love to rekindle the relationship when she is ready?

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth Sat 04-Feb-17 04:28:35

Oh I am sorry, how very very painful

I would also fear a scene if you rocked up, one assumes she has thought carefully about whether or not to invite you and it is already a day for heightened emotions.

Is there anyone who could pass on your thoughts and care to her?

doggle Sat 04-Feb-17 04:31:55

I think you should write to her now, wish her well for the wedding, and remind her that you would welcome contact. And then leave it up to her.
I do not think you should turn up to the wedding secretly and try to sneak in and out. That is an absolute disaster waiting to happen, and you will ruin the day, and probably cement your daughter's feelings that she was right not to invite you.

I find it interesting that you have been willing to selflessly respect her wishes for many years and not contact her, but it is the wedding that has triggered your need to be involved. It's very sad. Don't waste your life blaming your own mother though. Your relationship with your daughter is between the two of you, no one else, in exactly the same way your relationship with your own mother is between the two of you, no one else.

It's sad that you preferred your father, and your daughter preferred her grandmother. All of the mothering relationships seem to be very damaged. Can you get some therapy to help you work through your issues with your mum? Hopefully in turn this might enable you to move on from that, and hopefully then work on your relationship with your daughter.

Obviously you haven't said what the original reason was for your dd choosing to go nc, but ultimately while you can reach out and offer contact, you can not force anything. And however tempting, stay away from the wedding at all costs.

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth Sat 04-Feb-17 04:31:56

I have some recent experience of being at a family event where I was clearly a courtesy invitation. It was desperately painful, I was in adifferent table to my parents and siblings, the only one not in pictures or acknowledged. I actually wish I hadn't gone, I had all these expectations of my presence being the start of something new and it just wasn't. Which is a rambly way of saying by all means work on the relationship, but perhaps not with the focus of the wedding.

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth Sat 04-Feb-17 04:33:28

Cross post doggle, some of my thoughts too

Sosad1 Sat 04-Feb-17 04:34:10

Thank you Archduke. I have written to her before, without blame, I have sent her Christmas presents and Birthday every year, sometimes I get the briefest of thank you back, many times nothing. Nothing seems to lessen her anger towards me. I was advised by an excellent doctor when she was anorexic that she was a very angry young woman and to allow her to show her anger, which I did, The relationship between my daughter and her grand mother is not so close now as she has also seen the horrific temper tantrums on 3 occasions. They both have a lot of anger in them. My mother will always side with my daughter, even now when push comes to shove....
I also think my daughter has systematically gone round friends and some family members with her fantasy stories (eg I put her out on the street when she was 16...this is absolute rubbish, I denied her a flat on her own at that age) I now get either no reply or the 'cold shoulder' from various factions. I feel I am gradually being alienated within my own family. It is a very cold place to be.

daisychain01 Sat 04-Feb-17 04:36:26

Is there a remarriage involved, as she has a half-sibling? Just wondering if that is partly an explanation.

I'm wondering if there was more than 1 "character assassination" letter from her grandmother that lead to 6 years of NC. That said, it doesn't surprise me in the least. Young people can be strongly influenced as they tend to take a lot of things 'on trust' without questioning them. And they are often very black-and-white. They can't always see the big picture when they haven't lived enough of life to appreciate there are many different perspectives.

I would try a brief letter, don't going into a long ramble, she won't read after the first paragraph. Just say you love her and would like to attend the happiest day of her life.

Frazzeledandfuckedoff Sat 04-Feb-17 04:36:40

I wouldn't go to the wedding. Your daughter doesn't want you there and it will be awful for you.
I would write to her and wish her well.
flowers

WhittlingIhopMonkey Sat 04-Feb-17 04:38:12

Surely there's more to her going no contact than being shown a letter your grandmother wrote detailing your faults?

How did she yell you she was first going no contact - she must've had some reason at the time..She hardly just never called you for 6 years and you never asked why or tried to contact her?

It does sound like the relationships in your family are extremely toxic.

Don't spoil her wedding but showing up uninvited. Get in contact with her now instead and accept her decision.

Sosad1 Sat 04-Feb-17 04:45:53

I have sent her and her husband to be a wedding present wth a note to wish them both a very happy and long marriage.
I have had a great deal of therapy and was told my mother was very toxic, and that she was very interfering in my relationship with my daughter. So it has proved to be. I put distance between my mother and i but after my father's death I mended some bridges and now that she is very old, but still very independent I try my best to help her but cannot afford to live with her as I have to work.

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth Sat 04-Feb-17 04:47:58

So very sorry to hear about it. Heartbreaking

Italiangreyhound Sat 04-Feb-17 04:48:39

I am so sorry to read this. It is very sad.

I think that something must be very wrong in your daughters feelings towards you and just wonder if there is anything at all that you can think of for this attitude on her part.

I would be so tempted to go to the church and see her but I do feel that it maybe very painful for you and may also cause a scene.

I agree with Archduke a letter would be a good idea. In your shoes I would be tempted to write her a letter and have it delivered by special delivery or something.

In it I would say that I had heard about her wedding and I was happy for her as she took this next step in life. I might also say I was very sad not to be invited but I would respect her wishes and not be there on her special day. I might also add that I would be thinking of her on her special day and that my love for her would always be there if she ever wished to contact me again.

If your friends and son have been invited I would hope they would take video footage on video camera or phone, and still pictures for you to see later.

I think your mother has behaved abominably and I am surprised in one sense you have not cut contact with her, but I know you cannot because it would further affect your daughters relationship with you.

I am really sorry to suggest this but is there any hurt or issue that she feels you did not protect her from or any thing connected to the anorexia where she blames you?

Anorexia is a mental illness and in one sense if your daughter has lived through that maybe cutting you out of her life has been a way to survive that in some strange way. I can't make sense of it because that is what mental health issues can sometimes do. But I do know that anxiety made me a bit crazy before I had CBT for it.

Can I really encourage you to get some counselling for this, for you, for the situation you are in.

"Should I just realise I have no daughter anymore?" No, I do not believe you should. She is still alive and in the world. Even those who have lost their children to death still consider themselves to be parents to those children. They will still say things like, 'I have three children but one is in heaven or one has died."

Maybe one day something will change, a family funeral or another wedding will bring her back to your door. Or maybe the birth of a baby will make her realise what she has lost.

I am so angry at your mother on your behalf, I really feel to come between a parent and their children is very evil. Just make sure you do not give her any ammunition to tell your daughter about! May your care of her be exemplary despite the fact that she has behaved so very badly.

If you do decide to write a letter, please do it soon so she has time to reconsider, and if she does, go slowly and not OTT. I feel very sorry you have been so badly treated.

I do hope and pray that there will be a change.

thanks

doggle Sat 04-Feb-17 04:56:15

Oh she left home at 16 as she felt unable to live with you, but you had vetoed her getting her own accommodation? She made herself homeless at 16 by leaving your house? And your parents took her in?

I think while you are still angrily talking about your dd systematically telling 'fantasy stories' that neither of you are ready to rebuild your relationship. You both sound very troubled.

Italiangreyhound Sat 04-Feb-17 04:59:54

Ah OP I cross posted and see "I have had a great deal of therapy ". I am glad you have had that chance.

"but still very independent I try my best to help her but cannot afford to live with her as I have to work."

My goodness do not live with her, she sounds awful!

OP I am so sorry to hear you say that "I never felt love from her", that must have been so difficult and it is understandable that if you did feel love from your father you would be closer to him.

I hope your mother will not be able to influence things further. "I feel I am gradually being alienated within my own family. It is a very cold place to be." It is very sad that your own wider family may take your daughter's side. I would plough my energies into things outside the family, find the things that bring you joy with people not related to you. I hope you find happiness and I hope there will be reconciliation in the future.

heppi Sat 04-Feb-17 05:05:16

I can't figure this out particularly. A lot of dysfunction going on in your family.

But I wanted to say - wtf is this?
My daughter has a terrible temper, and I have lived through her anorexia when she was 14, which was terrifying.
Your daughter's anorexia is not something that happened to you. It is not something that she put you through. She was suffering horribly. It might have been tough to witness, and deal with, but it doesn't sound like you have any concept of what she was going through.

heppi Sat 04-Feb-17 05:11:37

I'm pretty sure that any approach from you prior to the wedding will just cause more problems. Accept that it is going to happen. Don't make it about you and 'your only daughter getting married'. She doesn't want contact with you. She doesn't want you at the wedding. Forcing the issue will drive her further away. If you want to try to build a relationship with her, wait for a less pressured and stressful time to do it.

heppi Sat 04-Feb-17 05:17:45

Nothing seems to lessen her anger towards me. I was advised by an excellent doctor when she was anorexic that she was a very angry young woman and to allow her to show her anger, which I did

This also sounds like you believe her anger is just a facet of her. And that the doctor was telling you just to accept her anger. As if that somehow lets you off the hook for finding out why she was angry.

Skooba Sat 04-Feb-17 05:39:04

You should concentrate on you DS, you cannot make someone choose to spend time with you. She will have to change of her own accord.
Definitely take a step back, upsetting her by pressing her into inviting you seems very unfair and risks jeopardising you poor relationship further imv.
How much time you spend with your DM is your choice.
I would back off and play a waiting game.

Italiangreyhound Sat 04-Feb-17 05:52:37

heppi I think families affected by anorexia can become very dysfunctional. It must be incredibly painful watching someone you love suffer in this way. Of course the person suffering with the mental illness is going to be going through a terrible time but I think the family, especially parents will suffer awfully too.

heppi Sat 04-Feb-17 06:52:14

Absolutely, no doubt about that. I was just struck by the OP apparently using her dd's anorexia as an example of how much she'd 'done' for her, what she'd put up with, with no obvious awareness or consideration of her dd's feelings anywhere in her post.

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