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Genuine ask, please be kind. How do you make GOOD friends? What am I doing wrong?

(10 Posts)
OopsDearyMe Fri 03-Feb-17 23:48:37

When I was younger I was always in a group of friends, I was and still am the pleaser and the clown of the group. I am the one who will do anything for anyone. But I cannot seem to make friends who stick around. I realised I am 38 in a few weeks and I literally have NO ONE , its sad. Its also really embarrassing,if I get asked if a friend can watch my kids for me or whatever. I get such incredulous looks when I tell them actually no I don't .

I have mums I chat to and I thought I was getting on well with one mum, but then another came along and they became a little clique of three, now five incorporating other mums I had also thought about trying to get to know.

Its really upsetting me now, I stand on my own in the playground some days, it feels really very bleak.

springydaffs Sat 04-Feb-17 00:03:00

Not much to say but wanted to give you some flowers

PlacidPenelope Sat 04-Feb-17 00:19:47

Perhaps you try too hard to please, you say you'd do anything for anyone and, unfortunately, people like that do tend to be taken advantage of and thought less of, an easy touch if you like.

I really feel for you, is there a particular interest or hobby you have that has a group you could join? As you would already have a shared interest it would be a starting point. My only other advice is not to give so much of yourself, don't be used, let friendship develop slowly and put some boundaries in place.

Shoxfordian Sat 04-Feb-17 08:51:07

Yeah I agree with placidpenelope; maybe you are giving too much and people will sense that/may take advantage

Joining a group is a good idea also maybe take it slowly with new friends and try to remember you can have your own needs which are as important as other people

Are there any old friends you can reach out to from school? This might help too

springydaffs Sat 04-Feb-17 09:22:50

What stands out to me is I would never divulge that I have no friends. It has certainly been true for me but to expose that to randoms would be pearls before swine, if you like.

It could also advertise you don't value yourself much - and if you don't value yourself other people won't, either.

Anyway, have you had any therapy? It's good to find out our emotional history and landscape, esp when something is going wrong and is baffling us and very painful.

PurpleNurple69 Sat 04-Feb-17 10:28:51

OopsDearyMe are you me? I feel exactly the same. I'm the crazy funny one of the group and people tell me I'm great company and it wouldn't be the same without me around. How many good and true friends do I have? Oh yeah, none. I've given up and have accepted, happily I guess, that I have enough with my lovely husband who is my best friend, and my adult kids. I also have my sister who lives 500 miles away but she's the only female I trust.

I feel your pain but it took me until very recently to be ok with it. I'm 47 btw

flowerswinecake that's all for you!

user1479305498 Sat 04-Feb-17 13:00:43

Im in your club! have moved around a lot, married, son past school gates age, work for ourselves. Im actually a really friendly kind person who loves a laugh and it so upsets me.

OopsDearyMe Sat 04-Feb-17 18:25:59

Thanks guys, I admit joining here has helped a bit. I don't really know what sort of group I would want to joint tbh. I also think people we my disability first, it puts people off asking me to do things I think.
I did get asked once by the clique before they were established to join them for a quiz night at the school, I went and sat being ignored. I was clearly just there vto make up numbers afterwards the group barely spoke to me again.
Its left me feeling like I have forgotten how to make friends.

springydaffs Sat 04-Feb-17 19:44:53

Can you get together with people with the same /similar disabilities? Then you will be avoiding the pig ignorant stuff you are describing.

Do you really want to be in a clique? Yy they look attractive from the outside (that's the intention don't you know...) but it's all pretty shallow in there. How about you reframe your expectations FROM people letting you join them TO letting people join you. You're a great gal, good company, you said so yourself. If people don't see that they're blind, you wouldn't want them as friends anyway.

Beelzebop Sun 05-Feb-17 21:39:47

OP, me too! I think I try to hard. I am also a little aware that I am just not like them. In our case money is also a factor as "the clique" here is fairly wealthy and we are not. I know really that I wouldn't actually want to do the stuff they do and that I enjoy being a bit odd. I agree though, it feels lonely sometimes.
So, we are all sort of in a clique of our own for "Non cliquey" people! grin

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