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Where to start?!

(12 Posts)
Lostlottie Fri 03-Feb-17 23:28:19

So I've been with my bf for 8 years now and we have a 16mth old daughter. Our relationship has had a few 'blips' over the years, in short I've left him twice and ended up going back both times. The main reason I left him before was that we wanted different things from our relationship and from life in general, including that he didn't want kids and I did. Obviously I talked him round on that one.
Hes not the best father, although he has his moments don't get me wrong, and he has her every Sat am so I can work. I wasn't expecting him to be the best father, afterall I knew very well he didn't really want kids. Although I guess I did hope he'd fall in love with her and miraculously become more responsible as a result! It's more how he is with me that bothers me-
He's never been the most attentive bf but lately I feel like he doesn't even like me. I've tried broaching the subject but I don't even get an answer, just a shrug or ignored altogether. We haven't been out just us for over a year, as much as I nagged that I wanted to go out with him for my birthday. We now have the opportunity to go on holiday paid for by his parents, he has said there is no point in going because we wont be able to go out in the evenings because of our daughter. Yet another example of our differences, I was so excited at the prospect of spending quality family time together but he just sees us as an inconvenience.
A while back, His parents offered to babysit so we could go out together and he said he couldn't be bothered but then went out with his mates the next night.
I mentioned again tonight that we should arrange a night out together and he just wasn't interested, I said 'it's almost as if you don't enjoy spending time with me' and he just made some joke about it but when I asked him to be serious he just didn't say anything.
He goes out some weekends without telling me he's going, or where or for how long and then he'll come back drunk at 2am. Twice since having our daughter he's been so drunk that he was sick in the bed.
But it's not just what he's like, it's that he makes me a worse person too. It's so hard to stay motivated living with someone like him, the house needs so much doing to it but I just can't bring myself to get on with things sometimes, I even find myself thinking 'why should I do all the cleaning, cooking etc when he does nothing for me?' Which is of course is ridiculous because it just needs doing and I'm a mother so I should just be getting on with it.
I don't know what to do, I think I should leave but it's hard for so many reasons, partly I don't know how to have that conversation, I also don't have anywhere to go (pretty important that point!) and the most ridiculous reason is that his parents keep giving me a stupid amount of money 😕 and I would feel really guilty about leaving him after they've given so much money! I know that's stupid, I've even tried refusing the money but they insisted. I almost feel as if they are paying me off because they must know what he's like, several friends have also voiced the same suspicion but I'm sure they do it for all their sons partners really.
I have lots of happy memories of our relationship, but if I'm honest I think we were both drunk for most of them and I'm starting to think our entire relationship has been based on the fact that we have a laugh together when we're drinking, I think we're also still physically attracted to each other but there's nothing deeper, and now I've grown out of the 'going out and getting drunk every weekend' phase of my life and it seems that is all his life will ever be, he has no ambition to do anything more with his life.

bluebell34567 Fri 03-Feb-17 23:40:54

I think with the small child you both went to a boring cycle.
it takes effort to come off it, a bit pushing.
I think you should spend some time together soon. it feels like you are getting to a break point, now is the latest to save it.
do you love him?

Lostlottie Fri 03-Feb-17 23:47:35

Thanks for your reply. I don't know if I still love him, I dont feel like I really know him anymore. I'm just fed up with nagging now, I shouldn't have to nag him to spend time with me. It makes me feel so pathetic.

LEELULUMPKIN Sat 04-Feb-17 08:15:09

Hi OP, Sorry you are going through this.

You say "you managed to talk him round" regarding having a child together, did you have a proper discussion about it before you actually became pregnant? Did he know you were actively trying & how did he react when you told him you were?

Lostlottie Sat 04-Feb-17 08:22:25

Yes we were actively trying, he knew I wasn't on the pill anymore and in fact it was our second pregnancy, unfortunately I had a miscarriage about a year previously. He wasn't exactly excited when I told him I was pregnant to be honest and I had to really nag him to eventually come to one of the scans.

TokenGinger Sat 04-Feb-17 12:08:15

He resents you because he's settled in to a life he did not want in order to please you. He clearly sees your child as an inconvenience.

I'm not saying it's your fault. He needs to face the consequences of agreeing to have a child to please you, and I'm sure he is doing. But it doesn't mean he is enjoying it and is clearly resentful of it.

TheStoic Sat 04-Feb-17 12:11:34

It's too late now, but this is the result of having a child with someone who didn't really want to be a parent.

He's with you in body, but not in spirit.

ImperialBlether Sat 04-Feb-17 12:59:17

He wanted to lead a life that was completely different to the life you wanted. You persuaded him and he caved in and now he's living the life you want, but he craves his old life.

I don't think you'll find any resistance if you say you want to separate.

It sounds as though his drinking is getting more and more out of hand - sick in the bed twice? I wouldn't want to be involved with that, frankly.

You might find if you split up that he'd be a good dad, given that he would only see his child for limited periods. It would work particularly well if those times were spent with his family.

I think you're flogging a dead horse otherwise, I'm afraid.

TheNaze73 Sat 04-Feb-17 13:25:21

He's mentally In the departure lounge I think. He's bored

Costacoffeeplease Sat 04-Feb-17 13:49:10

This is why 'persuading' someone to be a parent isn't a good idea. Having children is hard work if you're both on board, when one of you is reluctant then it's a recipe for disaster. I think you may have to cut your losses and make your life with your daughter and not necessarily with him

Lostlottie Sat 04-Feb-17 14:24:58

I'm struggling to regret talking him round to the idea of having children seeing as my daughter is just the most amazing little human being but yes I should have made sure he was really committed to the idea. Funny how committed he was during the trying to conceive stage 🙄 Guess I should just give him an ultimatum and deal with the consequences. I'm not worried about being on my own, I feel like I'll just have one less child to look after and I have a lot of supportive family and friends to turn to if need be. It would be a relief not to feel the pressure of constantly trying to please him.

TokenGinger Sat 04-Feb-17 22:43:58

I'm struggling to regret talking him round to the idea of having children

This has nothing to do with how amazing your daughter is. The reality is, you've pursuaded him in to a life he did not want.

Have a think about this... How would you feel if he wouldn't have kids with you? If you hadn't left, how painfully unhappy would you be now? This is how he feels.

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