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I HATE my life yet why can't I just let go & walk away.. How can I do it?

(11 Posts)
Heartbrokenagain122 Fri 03-Feb-17 22:25:11

I am so so unhappy I really hate my life right now because of how miserable I am every day. I'm 24, two kids (aged 4 & 19 months), own my own house. Been with partner since I was 15, so coming up to 10 years this year. My feelings towards him have never changed, I think I still love him like I did at school. We are both the same age. We had our 1st son unplanned when we were 19, bought a house at 21 then had another child when we were 22.

He cheated on me with someone 2 months after we bought our first house. Did the whole script "I'm not in love with you anymore" etcetc. Long story short I found out it was someone else a few weeks later and he came crawling back asking to give it another go. I said yes. We rebuilt our relationship, had second Ds and he eventually proposed last May. We looked at some venues. Few months down the line he was emotionally distant again. I asked and asked him so many times if there was someone else - he insisted there wasn't. He never went anywhere for there to be anyone else apart from work. I felt so unloved, I signed up to a dating website (why, I have no idea, no excuse I'm a bad person and regret this so so much). I got talking to a guy and told him I was single. How stupid. My other half snooped on my phone and seen it. Safe to say he was absolutely heart broken. This was last August. He stayed around and I thought we had dealt with it.. But no something was still missing for me and he was emotionally distant. Again I asked him if someone else - he denied it.

We had our sons christening coming up in the September and I knew as soon as it was done with he would leave. Surprise, one week later after the christening he said he doesn't think he loves me anymore, sick of the arguing and is leaving. I looked at his phone bill and long story short he had been texting another woman from work AFTER he finished it with me. I was/am broken. I did the pick me dance, begged him, he didn't want to know. He lived at his moms for 2/3 months. I went down to 8 stone 2. I ended up texting her telling her what she had done and she had destroyed our family (I know he's to blame). She told me she wasn't interested in him. So Christmas was coming up and I asked him if he could give it another go for us all. He said he will try. He moved back in, I thought things were getting on ok, he was up and down. Then one Saturday 2 weeks before Xmas, he was going to work then straight to a football game. For some unknown reason my gut told me something was not right by the way he was dressed and the coat he was wearing. he told me he was going to work, then to his mates house in area XXX, then to the football. Something was not sitting right with me. So I tracked his phone after work (yeah I know I expect to get abuse for this too, I tracked him which is wrong), and he wasn't in the area he said he was. So I text him asking him how it was going and asking where he was. He lied. He then went to the football game and then ended back up at the same address again for 2 hours. He called me on his way home saying he was on his way bk from XXX area (lied again). I said are you now? And he said "yeah what's with all these questions". That was the night of my work Xmas do, so I couldn't even drive up there, otherwise I would of. After my Xmas do I went home, and he was cuddling me, I told him to get off and that I knew he had been with the OW from work. He came clean, cried and said he's sorry but he thinks he LOVES her. I asked him why he came back to me, he said because it was the easier thing to do and he wanted to get through Xmas.

That night I died inside, 10 years thrown away. I asked him to leave, he stayed at his moms a few nights then came back and we stopped in seperate rooms. We got through Xmas, argued every night about it. After Xmas I asked him how he feels about OW, he said he was confused and thought he loved her but he doesn't and still doesn't know how he feels about us. Some how, a month on, he is still living in our home, stopping in my bed, yet coming home up and down, miserable as sin, no affection at all unless he wants sex. This is not the man I used to know. I've sat down and spoke to him and asked him what is going on his head, he said he's trying to make it work in his own way. I gave him an ultimatum few nights ago, I said the job or us. He come home today saying he had emailed his CV to himself and will apply tomorrow but is miserable in this house and that I'm trying to control his life.

So, I know I should leave him, he has clearly checked out emotionally yet sometimes gives me affection. When he doesn't I break down. I just can't seem to gather the strength to be on my own. I don't want to live here on my own. I cry every day. I have no interests or hobbies. I work two days a week and supposed to be at uni the other days but can't face it (it's my final year too). We've only ever been with each other but it never bothered me. Please tell me how you get strength to carry on because I wish I wasn't here - the only thing that stops me is my beautiful baby boys who deserve so much more than this. P.s. He is probably out 4-5 evenings a week for 2 hours doing his fucking hobbies. Football Sunday mornings, pub Sunday evening with his mom (occasionally me and kids will go when I can be bothered), then squash with a mutual school friend who picks him up probably 2 times a week, then football on a Thursday evening for a hour. It's left to me to put kids to bed. My mental health is shot. I'm just looking for hope and guidence on here because for some reason I just can't let him go.

tallwivglasses Fri 03-Feb-17 23:03:08

You can, you can! Jesus christ, dump him!

tallwivglasses Fri 03-Feb-17 23:05:41

Sorry, not helpful, it's late bit I saw no one had answered yet. Nobody should be treated like this. Really.

Sweets101 Fri 03-Feb-17 23:07:21

Dump him. Dump him now whilst you are still young with 2 lovely DC and a whole future ahead of you.

OpalIridescence Fri 03-Feb-17 23:13:06

You really can, you are so young the thought of you living in this misery for coming years makes my heart hurt for you.

This board has some very wise posters, I hope they will be along to help you.

Your life is worth so much more than this I promise flowers

Pallisers Fri 03-Feb-17 23:14:24

Dump him. In another 10 years you'll look back and wonder why you ever thought twice about it.

10 years thrown away.

You might have meant 10 years thrown away by him but in case you thought it was 10 years thrown away by you ...
you have 2 lovely children. You have been through the mill emotionally and that will make you stronger. You won't put up with any crap in your next relationship.

Honestly the 2 of you were together so young it is hardly surprising he is no longer the man you want. but it is also not surprising that you find it hard to let him go - he was a huge part of your teens and early adulthood. But just because he was a big part of the past, doesn't mean he is your future.

You are SO young. Your children will be independent by your early 30s. You have years of life and relationships etc ahead of you.

I think you are depressed because of your life circumstances - why wouldn't you be. That is why you can't go to uni or contemplate such a big change. But honestly, if you are the kind of person who could cope with an unexpected pregnancy at 19, you can cope with this too. I'm not sure I could have coped with that but you did - you are someone who can get through difficult times.

Go to your GP, access some counselling services at uni., tell him to move out, ask for help from family or friends etc. You can do it. you will look back in another 10 years and look at your 24 year old self and say "well done" (and you'll still be young at 34!)

good luck

EllenRipley Fri 03-Feb-17 23:16:22

You've reached the point of no return with this relationship. There'll be nothing left of you if it continues like this. You are young and you have more strength than you know AND good reason, with your two boys, to take a leap of faith and leave this relationship. Take a deep breath. Take it small steps at a time, if needs be, and gather as much help and support around you as you can. You sound worn out and depressed - would a trip to your GP for some support help as a first step? Honestly, once you're free of this situation you'll be SO glad you did it. There are people who lose 20,30 years of their lives to bad r'ships and they find there is life afterwards. Make yourself happy again x

SandyY2K Fri 03-Feb-17 23:24:11

The 180 will help you move forward and have a good life without him.

Stop begging.
If note wanting him to see another woman, makes you controlling, let him go.

Get him to look after the children, at least one night a week so you can get out and don't allow him to flip and flop like this.

If you split up, he'll have to look after them on his time, so he needs to get used to it.

He's playing with your emotions and it's not okay.

Heartbrokenagain122 Sat 04-Feb-17 00:27:42

Thank you all so much for your responses I really really appreciate it. It's like I'm waiting for it to get better but it hasn't been since September. The OW isn't interested so I'm left thinking I'm second best. I don't even know where to start with sorting all this out, I don't really have many friends. He's come home tonight pretty tipsy (he goes the bar after squash as its a social club), saying he's looking for a new job for himself not anyone else. Cunt. He said he expected me to be at my moms when he got home because I was so upset earlier. He then went on about how I went on the dating website and broke his heart etc and before that I was apparently the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I was on AD's when he left in September as I couldn't cope, I stopped taking them though. My kids see me cry every day this isn't normal but I just can't seem to find the strength to accept its finished. My mom dispares and tells me I'm the only one who can do anything about it and one day I'll of just had enough.

EllenRipley Sat 04-Feb-17 01:20:52

Go back on the antideps if they helped - it might give you the focus you need to begin the process. Do anything and everything that can give you just a little bit of strength. Can you take some time for yourself over the next few days? A bit of space to think. Sounds like your mum would support you. It would be nice to have a friend or two to cheer you on, offer a shoulder to cry on but you can still do it without that - at the end of the day we rely on ourselves in these situations...and there may be a whole new world of friends waiting on you to discover. At the moment you're probably feeling at rock bottom, worn out and emotional - you just need to get a foothold on a little bit of clarity to move forward. Stop going over the same old ground with him and start a dialogue with yourself about the kind of future you want for you and your boys. I wish you the very best! X

tallwivglasses Sun 05-Feb-17 22:40:28

Ellen what a lovely post. OP you've had some great advice here. Hope you're okay x

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